Revised rules with an asterisk

Really super recently, I posted a revised set of rules. It took my previously posted set of rules and narrowed it down to just four. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized even then I hadn't covered everything. Now I believe I have a set of revised rules with an asterisk.

See, the thing is that I'm willing to break rules 1-3 if every a friend needed my help. I've written before about how much friendship means to me and what it means to be a friend. When I consider someone to be my friend, they receive fierce loyalty and unwavering trust. I guess that's why I chose my friends carefully.

That's why I'm so willing to do something stupid, be unkind, and lie if my friend needs me. I can remember very specific examples of doing all of those things because a friend needed me. I can remember doing all of them in a single night, in fact.

I will not, however, break a promise. Like I stated before, trust means everything to me and I'm not willing to break that trust with anyone.

But those other three rules, if my friend needs me, they kind of go out the door.
Cause that's what friends do.

Love you.
Mean it.

#104: When you look back at all of your exes, what do they all have in common?

You may recall a while ago, I  asked you all to pick which question I would answer next. I know I said I'd answer it in a few weeks but I never did. So this is me, finally getting around to it. Anyway, the question with the most votes was: When you look back at all of your exes, what do they all have in common?

When I look back at all my exes, first, I realize I have a lot to look back on. If we only count from high school on, I've dated the following guys (mostly in order with maybe a misplacement or two): Derrek, Alex, Jason, Kendall, Danny, Dan, Adam, Conrad, David, Andrew, Brian, Sage, Greg, Augustus, Nick, and Scott. I don't know if that's a lot comparatively but I suppose that doesn't matter. It is what it is.

Anyway, here are some of the things that my exes have had in common:

1. They have all been relatively laid-back.
Instances: Alex, Jason, Danny, Dan, Adam, Conrad, David, Brian, Sage, Greg, Augustus, and Scott.

In all honesty, all of my exes have been pretty laid-back. The names I left out weren't necessarily neurotic or anxious. They just weren't as laid back as the others.

I view myself as a mostly laid-back person. I don't like to get riled up. I hate complicated situations. And I'd much rather spend my weekend with friends watching a movie or hanging out than going out partying or clubbing.

I'm not attracted to guys who aren't laid-back. In my mind (which is probably a sexist assumption invented by our patriarchal society and embedded in my brain) the opposite of being laid-back is being high maintenance, a quality I would attribute to women more than men. However, since I don't see myself has being high maintenance, if my guy is more high maintenance than me, I feel like the guy in the relationship (which is one thing I hate).

2. They've all been able to make me laugh.
Instances: Alex, Jason, Conrad, David, Brian, Sage, Augustus, Nick, Scott.

I have always found a sense of humor to be very attractive. This is probably why a good part of my exes have been able to make me laugh. I can't stand to be around stiff, serious people. I like to be around people who can find the humor in about every situation.

3. They've all been relatively poor.
Instances: Alex, Jason, Adam, David, Andrew, Brian, Sage, Greg, Augustus, Nick, Scott.

The other day my friend asked me if I have ever dated a sugar daddy. I replied, "Are you kidding? I considered myself lucky if they guy I was dating had a job."

I've never dated a guy who had a ton of money. As a couple, we did everything on the cheap. I've never been showered with expensive gifts (or really gifts at all) or been taken out to nice restaurants. Which, honestly, is fine with me. I think it'd be weird to date someone who did those things.

4. They've all been passionate about something.
Instances: Everyone except Andrew

They guys I date usually have at least one passion. For some (in fact, a good amount) it was drumming. For others, it was art. For others, it was just being really super smart. Not being passionate about something  is what I would consider a deal breaker. I don't know what Andrew's problem was. He honestly wasn't passionate about anything. But he was a rebound off of a year & a half relationship so I cut myself some slack when it comes to him.

That's all the similarities I can think of for right now. If I remember any others, I'll be sure to let you know.

Love you.
Mean it.

Revised Rules

A while ago, I made a list of rules, a code to live by. It consisted of 53 rules, which can be read here and here. While my intentions were somewhat good, I realized very quickly that having 53 rules memorized is a complicated matter, not to mention just following all of those rules. It left no "wiggle room," if you will.

In my never ending quest to simplify my life, I've decided to do away with these 53 rules and reduce it down to just four. You may have heard me refer to these four rules in person. Well, here is where I'm explaining Kelly Cannon's four rules to live by.

Rule 1: Don't do anything stupid.
This is a pretty all encompassing rule and as such, it makes life a big easier to live. Sometimes I am asked what I mean by "stupid." What I mean by it is don't do anything you are going to regret later. If you do something and you regret it later, chances are what you did was a really stupid thing. This also ties into another idea I hold near and dear to me. It is in life there are good decisions, bad decisions, and fun decisions. The only difference between the bad decisions and the fun decisions is you don't regret the fun decisions. Bad decisions are stupid.

Rule 2: Be kind.
I've spoken about this several times. This is the foundation for my concept of what the purpose of life really is. Life is hard enough as it is without us making it harder for anyone else. At the very least, don't make anyone else's life more difficult by being mean. We should always try to show kindness to our fellow men. We should help people for no other reason than they need help. I've found that people will remember a kindness long after the kindness is extended. Case it point: the other day, a girl I knew in high school and I became friends on Facebook. It turns out she married one of my coworkers at the Review. Anyway, not long after we became friends, she posted on my wall, thanking me for always being so kind to her in high school. She was new and I had befriended her and treated her kindly. While I remember this girl from high school, I don't remember me being kind to her. That's not to say I was mean to her but I just don't remember going out of my way to be kind. I look back and thank high school me for being that way. Kindness makes a lasting impression. And we need more of it in this world.

Rule 3: Don't lie.
It has been my experience that lying makes everything worse. While initially it may make things easier, it will always catch up to you. Usually, when your lie is found out, not only is there trouble for what you were lying about but also from the fact you lied. Strangely enough, this is the rule I struggle with the most. And every time I break this rule, it bites me in the end and I am reminded why I have this rule to begin with.

Rule 4: Keep your promises.
I started following this rule not long after I met a man who would come to have one of the most profound influences on my life. He truly believed that a man is only as good as his word. Promises were a big deal to him. If someone promised to do something and they didn't do it, he lost trust and respect for them, something that was always exceedingly hard to gain back. I have since come to view promises much in the same way. If I promise to do something, I'm going to do it. If I promise to keep a secret, I will never tell. Unlike my third rule, this is possibly the easiest rule for me to follow. Perhaps it is because trust is so important to me that I won't do anything to compromise someone's trust in me.

So there are my four rules. What are yours?

Love you.
Mean it.

Wish in a trash can

I wrote my name on a piece of paper
and added your last name at the end.
I stared at it for only a moment
before ripping out the page
and folding it over and over
until the paper refused to bend anymore.
I held it in my hand
trying to force any good luck I may still have
into that tiny piece of paper.
And as I walked out the door
with nothing left to do
I threw my wish into the trash

Love you.
Mean it.

As heard in the newsroom, part 7

Celeste, we have a bigger problem. We don't have a black friend.
-Andrea

I had to ride the bus when I was a stove.
-Andrea

My butt always feels wet here.
-Andrea about New Orleans.

Did they make sex?
-Andrea

That was an excellent jelly bean.
-Andrea

I skipped class and went home and made pies.
-Andrea

I just got put in primary. I know all about the wiggles.
-Brandon

My beard's a little sticky.
-Brandon

I have nothing against talking birds.
-Carly

So I've been thinking about racism...
-Celeste

...Which sucks balls.
Celeste, you can't say that with a bow around your neck.
-Celeste & Christina

Masturbation is bad.
What??? Since when???
-Celeste & Jarom

We want to know how to kindly–
We want that kid out!
-Christina & John-Ross

That's really creepy and I like it!
-Christina

I thought those were candy. Those aren't candy.
-Clark about a pile of condoms.

If you were a musical instrument, what would you be?
The most popular one cause I always get played.
-Clark & Jarom

Can you come over here so I can rub your belly?
-Courtney

Funny things are happening.
-Courtney

My soul thinks it's a good idea and so do a few professionals.
-Elyse

How long have you been playing the trumpet?
About 23 years.
You were a musical fetus?
-Elyse & Jeff

You should just play all those cliche trumpet songs.
-Eric

Told you! Who didn't believe... Wait, I think everyone believed me.
-Eric

I just need to win enough to buy some ice cream.
-Gilbert on gambling

I'm a man now.
-Gilbert

Should I be a ladybug or a kitten? I think a kitten is more manly.
-Gilbert

Geez guys, what are we? Five-years-old?
You're wearing a sheriff badge.
-Gilbert & Christina

Queen is overrated.
Gilbert, fuck you.
-Gilbert & John-Ross

I don't know why my hands are so soft.
-Jarom

The Village Inn has nothing but a new logo.
-Jarom

I hate school and you but you're both necessary.
-Jarom

Everyone laugh. Even you,  J.R.
I'll laugh at you.
-Jarom & John-Ross

Would you rather have a life size portrait of a naked man in your room...
This is going to be easy.
-Jarom & Matthew J.

What's going to be at this luncheon?
Food and Mormons.
-John-Ross & Kelly

I'll only go cause I like hating stuff.
-John-Ross

I'm Oprah-rich, motherfuckers!
-John-Ross

Matthew Jonassaint, you have been summoned to the council of elders.
-John-Ross

I don't want to bang your kid. I'm just a nice guy.
-John-Ross

Just because Gilbert isn't here doesn't mean we make Tiffany the new Gilbert.
-John-Ross

Clark Goldsberry. That sounds like a made up name.
-John-Ross

Gilbert, it's not a deviant thing. It's just kissing.
-John-Ross

Thank you. I deserve this.
-John-Ross after winning employee of the week.

Do you know how much condoms cost? That's why I don't use them.
-John-Ross

Is it bad I don't think his intentions are good and I'm frightened and maybe we should hide the zebra?
-Kelly

Your wife is adorable. I like her.
I kinda do too.
-Kelly & Jonathan

You do know your headphones aren't plugged into anything.
I do know that.
-Kelly & Parker

Booty call with your girlfriend?
I'm intrigued.
-Parker & Brandon in response to something Vanessa said.

I joined the mile high club! What does that mean?
-Tiffany

Your guy's secret meetings are lame.
-Tom

Are meetings always like this? If so, I'm going to show up more.
-Tom

I'll talk to them on the phone so they won't know I'm brown.
-Vanessa

Beard on beard action.
-Vanessa

Tiffany's a woman now!
Did I hear that right?
-Vanessa & Christina

I'm failing my Polynesian dance class.
How many credits is it?
Just one.
Well, fuck it then!
-Vanessa & John-Ross

I left my broken heart in a Voodoo Temple.

I left my broken heart in a Voodoo temple in New Orleans.

It was a locket I wore at the end of a long chain. Inside were the words from an old song, "Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." It had broken the night before, snapped in half right at the hinge, leaving me with an ominous feeling. I had felt heartbroken over the last month but especially over the the last two weeks. It wasn't even all heartbreak in the romantic sense, though that did play a major roll in it. An old interest had gotten back together with his old flame, an old crush had proposed to his girlfriend, and while I had two promising prospects, I was starting to realize that things would probably never happen.

But it was more than all that. Melancholy and just a general sadness seemed to follow me around. It was lighter than my normal depression but it was still very present. When my heart locket broke, I stared at it in my hand. It seemed to fit everything else happening. It was if it breaking didn't surprise me in the least.

I don't know if we were drawn to the Voodoo temple that day or we were just caught in a happy coincidence. I don't believe in fate or destiny, and miracles only rarely, rarely happen in my mind but the timing of our arrival was eerily well placed. We arrived right before a prayer service was to be held for a couple who had been there years before and we were invited to join.

We walked into the alter room and were amazed by what we saw. The room was covered with icons, both religious and secular. Items that people had left as offerings were arranged anywhere there was space. Bills were rolled up and sticking out of any crevice possible. Bottles of liquor, both empty and full, stood covered in different layers of dust. Other items were placed in other spots, giving the impression that once it was placed, it was never moved again. The memories of all the lives that had been in that room hung thick in the air. There was history in that room. It was a history that envoked a reverence within us.

An old black lady dressed all in white sat in a chair at the front of the room. Her friend, an old white man dressed all in black with a black leather vest and beret on his head sat to her right. As she began to speak, he pulled out a drum, which he would keep rhythm with later. She spoke of many things. Sometimes I lost her train of thought but would eventually pick it back up again. She spoke of life, of death, of happiness, of sadness and everything in between. There was a part that stood out to me. She spoke of how everything in this life that happens to you, you pick up and hold close to you. You keep those things close to you until you have no more room. You need to let go of the older things before you can begin to pick up new things. It was strange. I have always been a believer in the fact truth can be discovered pretty much anywhere. And here was this woman whom I had never met before and probably would never see again giving me the very words I needed to hear so badly. So much of my life has been spent holding on to things, holding them so fiercely, I don't have room for anything new. If I was going to be happy, if I was going to get rid of this melancholy which had turned into my constant companion, I had to let go of all my heartache.

After she had finished speaking, she stood up to sing. Her voice began unsteadily but grew and grew into one of power and passion. We, who were sitting on the floor, also stood and began to clap the rhythm and a few even joined in singing. I stomped my feet but kept my eyes closed. I knew something was happening, something very unique, something that I would never have a chance to experience again. I let the old woman's voice wash over me, let the rhythm pulse through me. When it was all over, I felt different, not reborn or anything so dramatic but I knew something had changed.

As we were walking out, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out my broken heart locket. I asked Clark, one of my friends who was there, to wait for me. I found an empty place and set down the locket opened and face up so the words could be read but spaced just enough apart so you could tell it was broken. After I was satisfied, I walked out and didn't look back.

I can't properly describe the feeling I had for hours afterward. Something had changed in me. Those woman's words had rung so true. I couldn't continue to carry this melancholy, this heartache around. And so I left it there.

I hope one day, years from now, I can go back and find my broken heart.

Love you.
Mean it.

This is not for you.

~This post is dedicated to the anonymous formspring questioner who asked me when I was going to post on my blog again. Thank you for letting me know people still care what I have to say~


I think I stopped posting on this blog because of two reasons. The first wass I experienced a case of hardcore writer's block. Nothing I wrote was even remotely decent. Thankfully that was broken after a quick trip to New Orleans. The second was I started to care too much about what people thought about what I wrote here. When I began this little experience, I didn't care if people read it. I honestly didn't think anyone did. I wrote because that's what I do. I am a writer (please god forgive me). I wrote because I needed a outlet for my creative energy. But then I discovered people not only read my blog but also liked it. I began to feel this pressure of writing for an audience, for writing something that people will like, that will get a lot of hits, that will make my stats go up. This is poison for creativity.

It suddenly wasn't about me writing because that's what I love to do and because I needed to do it. It was about choosing topics I know a lot of people would want to read.

This is bullshit, if you didn't already know.

I can't think of a more destructive thing to do in regards to my "art." I sold out, in the spiritual sense since I'm not getting a dime off of this.

Well, no more. I have learned my lesson. Therefore, I am rechristening this blog, letting it go back to its original purpose.

This blog is for my creative writing, for my thoughts, my poetry, my lists, my ramblings, but most importantly, for myself. If you like it and want to continue to read it, that's great. If not, that's okay too.

As Conor Oberst once sang, "I do not read the reviews. No, I am not singing for you."

I am a writer.
This is not for you.

Love you.
Mean it.