As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 1

So it's Sunday, the last day of my pathetic spring break, and I'm feeling incredibly lazy. So lazy, in fact, I don't feel like being terribly funny today. So I'm going to let other people do it for me. Allow me to present for your enjoyment the first in what will hopefully be a long series entitled

"As Heard in the Newsroom."

You may not have known this, but the staff of the UVU Review are freaking hilarious. I have written down some of my favorite quotes I've heard said in the Newsroom, as well as a few said outside of those hallowed walls. They are in alphabetical order cause that's how they've been saved on my phone. So enjoy and happy last day of spring break!

I can’t twitter it cause I don’t know how.
-Andrea Lindgren

Sudoku is more hipster than Vampire Weekend.
-Bryan Gomm

It’s like God’s phone is on vibrate.
-Dave Newlin

No! I reject your hug!
-Dave Newlin

Guys, that was way funnier than you gave me credit for.
-Dave Newlin

That is beautifully wrong, sir.
-Dave Newlin

I’m a disc golf freaking guru.
-Dave Newlin

Is he going to answer every question as a wolverine?
Grrrrr...
-Dave Newlin & Jarom Moore, about an interview with Willie the Wolverine mascot.

The Hooters girl called me baby...
-Gilbie Cisneros

I need a new job. Those sex offenders are rubbing off on me.
-Gilbie Cisneros

Can I openly say I snore really loud?
And can I openly say shit?
-Gilbie Cisneros & Jake Buntjer

I need to semi-date more.
-Jarom Moore

If my primary function was to reproduce, I’d be okay with that.
-Jarom Moore

I’ve earned the right to make fun of nerd through decades and decades of playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Wait, decades?
How old are you, Jarom?
-Jarom Moore, Nadia Ashtawy, & Kelly Cannon

I am the hydra of disdain.
-John-Ross Boyce

It's like eating bad meatloaf while watching a NCIS marathon.
-John-Ross Boyce

We could always use a sex scandal.
-John-Ross Boyce

Alcohol, guns, and murder. It’s the unholy trinity of The V.
-John-Ross Boyce

A thriller is a horror film with its balls cut off.
-John-Ross Boyce

Alright! Dinner with Obama! He’s the cool president.
-John-Ross Boyce

I haven’t hackey-sacked since Weezer put out a good album.
-John-Ross Boyce

For legitimate journalism!
-John-Ross Boyce

I have been saying awesome shit tonight.
-John-Ross Boyce

If I don’t drink & smoke like normal, then the terrorists win.
-John-Ross Boyce

That’s about as good as you can get for a mentally retarded rapper.
-John-Ross Boyce

There needs to be guidelines for robot bodies.
-John-Ross Boyce

What the hell? That isn’t doggy-style either!
-John-Ross Boyce

Newlin! My back hurts. Let’s smoke it off!
-John-Ross Boyce

I’d like to date a Nazi, just for the story.
-John-Ross Boyce

Who’s damn kid is making that noise?
That’s my damn kid.
-John-Ross Boyce & Andrea Lindgren

Since I do not own a uterus...
Wait, you can own a uterus?
-John-Ross Boyce & Celeste Rosenlof

Did your heart just grow three sizes?
Something else just grew three sizes as well.
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

Have some balls or ovaries, if you will.
Or a little of both.
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

Coming up next, Jack Nicholson & Jeff Bridges in Space Mountain.
I’d see it. You’ve sold me.
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

Who at Fuddruckers would I know?
Who at Fuddruckers wouldn’t you know?
-John-Ross Boyce & Natalie Psuik

I don’t want you walking on my back with your big Chewbacca feet.
They’re not hairy. They’re just big.
-John-Ross Boyce & Dave Newlin

We’re starting a Newsroom bowling team!
No, we are not!
We’re starting an unsanctioned Newsroom bowling team!
-John-Ross Boyce & Dave Newlin

This next song is by a guy named Prince. I don’t know if you guys have heard of him...
What’s he the prince of?
He’s the prince of your fucking face, Rob Steffen!
-John-Ross Boyce & Rob Steffen

Don’t be a half-assed racist.
-Kelly Cannon

That sounds like a great conversation starter--”So I’ve been seeing a lot of Arabs lately...”
-Kelly Cannon

J.R. does not negotiate with terrorists.
-Kelly Cannon

Has anyone every told you that you remind them of Frank from 30 Rock?
Jesus...
Jesus told you? I didn’t know you were so celestially connected.
-Kelly Cannon & John-Ross Boyce

Are you sure they didn’t take a break?
No, these guys were pros.
-Kelly Cannon & John-Ross Boyce about a couple making-out in public for over an hour.

But we all know it in our hearts.
And in our breasts.
-Kelly Cannon & Sterling Gray

So it’s a controlled substance? Well, of course it is. Newsflash! I’m a reporter.
-Lex Bourgeous

I’ve read two books on Pablo Escobar. I have a little shrine of him.
-Lex Bourgeous

I decided to quit [smoking] when I went to the gas station to buy a new pack & I didn’t have my wallet so I figured, “Okay, I’m done.”
-Lex Bourgeous

I’m trying to quit [smoking].
Congratulations.
Yep, going on 14-hours now.
-Lex Bourgeous & Jarom Moore

We’re doing a story on students with ADD...
Oooo! Just follow me around all day.
-Celeste & Dave Newlin

Dave wants us to push Oklahoma in the next issue. And by push, I mean promote the shit out of it.
-Mindy Haward

Starbusrts are like crack for you.
-Mindy Haward to Andrea Lindgren

They seem like really nice guys with drug problems.
-Nadia Ashtawy

You were probably just bisexual for a half-hour.
-Natalie Psuik

The new astrology signs gave me cancer...
-Rob Steffen

“Is sex an option?” That’s my best pick-up line.
-Rob Steffen

It works for them, homophobic bigots.
-Robbin Anthony

Don’t give me that ADD bullshit.
-Robbin Anthony

Is your eternal salvation in jeopardy because of us?
No, I don’t think so...
-Robbin Anthony & Jarom Moore

Ghihad! I mean, Yee-Haw!
-Sterling Gray

Is that another restriction? Because I have breasts, I’m also dumb? You sexist.
-Sterling Gray, on robot bodies.

Unknown Newsroom Person 1: Where does the BYU newspaper get their budget from?
Unknown Newsroom Person 2: Mormons.

Love you. 

Mean it.