When I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with a handful of emotional and mental disorders, including ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and bipolar 2. At the time, the only way for me to cope with these disorders, primarily caused by chemical imbalances in my brain, was to go on medication. I have since taken various medications every day for the last eight years. A little less than a month ago, I talked to my doctor about going off all of my medications.
This decision was not one I reached easily. My main motivation is I've been on medications for so long that I don't really know what it is like to not be on them. I wanted to know if I could get by without them. While I will never deny the good those medications did for me when I was younger (at the time, it was one of the only ways I could function), I feel that it's time I don't use them anymore.
The trouble is it's a lot harder emotionally than I anticipated. It seems my brain is determined to continue to have chemical imbalances. It's weird. There are times when I experience symptoms of my depression or bipolar 2 and I know that I am experiencing them because logically I have no reason to be depressed or melancholy. The thing is that even though I know that my feelings are illogical and are just a result of my brain not working properly, I can't force myself to be happy. No matter how hard I try, I can't just "snap out of it." And trust me, I try really, really hard.
It's incredibly frustrating to sometimes have no control over my own emotions, to be at the mercy of stupid chemicals and misfirings in my brain. And to know that without medication, this may be a forever type of thing. This may be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life, all because my brain malfunctions for some reason.
Even though it's been hard, I'm staying the course. I'm not 100 percent off my medications yet but by working with my doctor and lowering my dosages, I'll probably be off all of them by the end of the month. And even though I'm determined to see this through to the end, I know that things might get a lot worse before they get better.
Wish me luck.
Love you.
Mean it.
Wow...you are BRAVE. And I honestly will not offer any advice or "my friend's brother did ____". You made your choice, you're a big girl, you can do it if you put your mind to it.
ReplyDeleteBut I worry for you--you are in your last semester, and it's intense, esp. since you are the editor over an entire section. Plus, you are really working hard on getting healthy and into good exercise habits again. It seems like a lot to take on at once, so be kind to yourself, that's all I ask. :) You're amazing.
Thank you for your concern, Nick or Keira (probably Keira). I really do appreciate it.
DeleteThe reason I decided to do this now was if my symptoms got really bad, I didn't want it to negatively affect my work when I have a job. School and the newsroom can be forgiving. A job isn't always. I wanted to get settled and situated before I have a job to lose.