Who Do You Carry the Torch For?

"Who do you carry the torch for, my young man? 

Do you believe in anything? 

Do you carry it around just to burn things down?"

-Brand New

"The Archer's Bows Are Broken"

The Devil and God Are Raging Inside of Me

I have probably listened to that song hundreds of times. Brand New, more specifically their two albums Deja Entendu & The Devil and God Are Raging Inside of Me I usually reserve for when I'm in a melancholy, introverted mood. Brand New's lyrics always offer little gems of raw honesty, beauty, or poignancy. I could quote a good amount right here. But it's the quote above that has captivated me, mostly because I've listened to it for over four years now and haven't given it any extra thought. I was listening to some playlist on shuffle the other day and that song came on. Those are the first lines of the song and they sort of got stuck in my head. I went and googled "carry the touch" to see if it meant anything outside of the song. After some exploring and tweaking of search words, I found out the meaning.

On the word detective website, I found this entry:

Since at least 1927, "to carry the torch" (or "carry a torch" for someone) has meant to continue to love and pine for someone long after the object of affection has left the building and any reasonable hope of amorous success has passed.  By 1934, romantic ballads of lost love and broken hearts were known as "torch songs," and female nightclub singers who made them their specialty were known as "torch singers."

What a tragically beautiful thought. It gives the image of a man carrying a torch and being asked who he carries it for. He carries it for a love that has been lost and can never hope to have again. Yet he carries the torch in his fruitless attempt to find her again. Perhaps he did believe in love but his heartache has left people questioning whether he believes in anything anymore. His despair has left him cynical, as thoughts of using the torch that is meant to find his lost lover to be used instead to burn things down, to destroy. It is this idea that gives the song the poignancy that I'm used to having from Brand New.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking who do I still carry a torch for?  Who do I still love & still hope that they will find my torch? I was haunted by the memory of four men that I fell in love with to some degree or another. Tossing & turning, trying to get them out of my head, I could see how easily it would be to stop believing in anything and to use those torches to burn things down. Once you've had your heart broken enough times, you get to the point you don't want to try again. It doesn't seem worth it.

How many more guys will I be haunted by?
How many more torches will I continue to carry?
How long can I go before I start to burn things down?

Love you.
Mean it.