23 years old seems so young to lose faith in dreams.

The other day someone asked me my major and I told them I'm literature and cinema. They asked me what I wanted to do with that and I didn't exactly know what to say. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life but my major doesn't exactly match up with that plan. But I'm too far into my major now to change things. I need to get out of college and move on with my life. But maybe it's a good thing I still have at least another two years before I graduate because, frankly, I don't know how I'm going to make it work out there.

Whenever I think about the future, it scares the shit out of me. I keep worrying if I have what it takes to be able to accomplish what I want to do. I want to be a writer, yes, but how am I going to compete with all the other people out there who majored in journalism or creative writing or technical writing? I'm terrified I'm going to end up working a job I hate just because it's the only thing I can get.

When I think about my life and what I want to do with it, there are a few things that I know I have to do in order to feel like my life is worth anything. One of them is to feel like I'm making a difference, that I'm actually apart of something bigger than myself. It's not about having a huge house and driving expensive cars. I want to know that when I leave this stupid planet, I left it just a bit better than when I came. I know this is all silly idealism that would make any real cynic gag, but that's how I feel. Another thing is I want to get out of Utah. I don't mean to imply that Utah isn't a good place to grow up. I experienced it first hand and it's a great place to raise a family. But minus the five months I've lived in St. Petersburg, Russia, I've lived in Utah my entire life. I need a change. I need something different. I can't explain it, but I know if I stay here too long, it will end up destroying me. Another thing is I want to know I took risks, that I didn't play it safe my whole life. This is so important to me if I want to be a writer. I want to write the truth as I see it and maybe one day I will write something that will ruffle some feathers and shake some cages. I want to stand up for what I believe, even if I'm standing alone. Again, this is all silly idealism but it's important to me. Without these three things (and more) I'm going to feel like I lived my life in vain.

And if I end up somewhere doing something that isn't going to fulfill these "requirements," what then? Am I brave enough to sacrifice job security (even if it's something I dislike) to try and find something better? What if there is nothing better? What then?

I often say as a joke that "these are troubled times we're living in." But it is true to a point. My generation is facing a crisis. Do we do what is guaranteed to pay the bills or do we take a risk and try to make a go of doing what we love? Is it possible to do both? I've always intended on living a full and rich life, doing what I love and being successful. But I'm starting to realize just how hard that is going to be. And while I've never been one to back down from a challenge, I'm slightly hesitant because I'm not positive I can win and if I don't win, I have a lot to lose.

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday.
23 years old seems so young to lose faith in dreams.

Love you.
Mean it.