My Visceral, Violent Reaction to Religion

Note from Kelly: Like most things I do, the following is not intended to offend anyone or anyone's beliefs. It is an expression of my own personal beliefs and is not to be interpreted as an attack on anyone else's beliefs. Thank you. 


I am not a violent person. I mean, yes, I occasionally use violent terms when I have to deal with frustrating situations (such as threatening to punch someone in the neck or saying I'd rather dig my ovaries out with a spoon) but I never mean anything like that literally. I could never hit anyone in real life. I feel bad enough squashing bugs  (and avoid it as much as possible). It's true I love violent movies but I'd never, ever want to be in any of those situations. I'd probably freeze up & go irreversibly insane. I can't handle violent or even hostile situations. When my family gathers around the television to watch one of our favorite sports teams play, I am typically not there. My family is very into sports and when our team does something lousy or gets a bad call, the family erupts into a frenzy of angry screaming and stomping around. And while I know none of it is directed at me, I'd rather not be in that kind of hostile environment.

But when it comes to religion, my instinctive reaction is violence. Whenever the conversation I'm in or around turns to religion, not in an intellectual way but in an "expression of my unshakeable faith" kind of way, I want to get up and leave as quickly as possible, remove myself from that situation because I have no desire to listen to that crap any more than I have to. Being a Non-Mormon in a predominantly Mormon society, these situations happen quite frequently. I don't believe any of the things others are discussing and every time I feel like people are closing in on me to reach out and "reactivate" me, my gut instinct is to react with violence and hostility. I don't want to be anyone's "special spiritual project." I don't want my "situation" to be discussed in any Elders Quorum or Relief Society meeting. I'm fine, thanks anyone. I'm more than happy if people want to reach out to me because they genuinely want to get to know me and be friends. But if I ever suspect any ulterior to "bring me back to the fold," I will react with hostility and anger. As Henry Rollins once said, "Get your God in my way, and I will bring you the rapture."

I don't know why I react with so much open hostility toward any pressure from a religion inviting me to "come unto Christ & be perfected in him." I have no qualms withs any religion in general, as long as its members leave me alone. I've seen organized religion bring a lot of goodness and happiness into many people's lives. I think that's great. Everyone needs to find a way to live their life that makes them happy. But the only time I have found real, consistent happiness was by rejecting any and all forms of religion and living my life the way I thought was right. Religion just doesn't seem to work for me. And that's okay. If religious people just kept doing their own thing without trying to get me to join, everything would be lovely.

Maybe that's way I react so viciously when I detect any attempt to try & re-convert me. I did the whole religion thing for nearly 20 years of my life. I was a practicing and believing Mormon. And a lot of that time (specifically from ages 15-20) I was miserable. I fought so hard to find the happiness my religion seemed to promise me. I eventually found happiness once I left the church. I discovered a happiness I never knew could exist. And I'll be damned if anything tries to take that away from me.

Love you.
Mean it.