Today is your lucky day, faithful reader. My good friend Jon and I were having a conversation yesterday that was so interesting and humorous that it deserves further exploration here. We were talking about marriage in regards to how if a non-citizen marries a citizen, the non-citizen becomes a citizen. I asserted that if I had a friend whose visa was about to expire, I would marry him so he could become a citizen. Jon seemed bewildered by this, but it was not something I threw out there willy-nilly. There is a logical thought process behind this. Allow me to explain:
It's a regarded fact that I am fiercely loyal to my friends, almost to a fault. If one of my friends needs my help, I typically drop everything and go to their aid. Now, for me to be willing to marry one of friends in order for him to get citizenship, we'd have to be really super good friends. I'm talking there is no one either of us loves or trusts more as a friend. This is not a common occurrence for me. I can think of four people who qualify off the top of my head. Next, he would have had to exhaust all other possible options for him to get an extension on his visa or an entirely new visa. There must not be any other options for him. Third, he must have a job. He can't just be loafing around doing nothing. And before you all call 'objection!' yes, it is possible to have a job and not qualify for a work visa.
Now that the ground rules are establish, let us delve into this fantasy scenario of me committing immigration fraud. My "husband", let's call him Dean, and I would probably have to live together. That's fine with me. We'll have separate rooms and treat each other like roommates. To nearly everyone, we'd just be best friends who also happen to be roommates. We wouldn't wear rings, of course. If someone were to ask (say the Immigration Services) I would explain (perhaps in a semi-hostile manner) that wedding rings are an archaic symbol of ownership and I, as a feminist, refuse to be owned by anyone, even if only symbolically. For the same reason, I wouldn't change my last name. That's just a whole lot of paperwork for something that's not really real.
Now, Jon brought up an interesting point. What happens when one of us wants to get married. For Dean, it's no problem. We'll just get a divorce and he'll get married. For me, it's a bit trickier. If I do ever end up getting married, my hope is that I will date my future husband for a very long time before we actually tie the knot (I mean, this would be a real marriage, not one to commit immigration fraud). Hopefully in that time Dean and I can get a divorce and call it good. However, I am one of those kill-joys who believes in being 100% honest with the ones I love so I would have to explain to my boyfriend/future fiance that Dean is more than just my bestie/roommate.
This is where the humor is brought in. Could you imagine such a conversation? It's what romantic-comedy films are made of! And it would be just too funny for me not to lay out for everyone. Let's call my boyfriend Tom. The scene begins with us sitting on the couch.
Kelly: Tom, I love you. You make me so happy and I know I want to be with you for the rest of forever.
Tom: That's how I feel, Kelly.
Kelly: And I know that we've been talking about marriage a lot lately... But there's something I have to tell you. I'm already technically married. To Dean.
This is the part where Tom has a minor to major 'freak-out' moment. It will probably include a lot of accusations, questions, swearing, and general anger, panic, and confusion. I will wait patiently and then continue.
[Insert explanation of how Dean and I got married so he could stay in the country, how we've never, ever done anything that married couples do, and how we're planning on getting divorced on XXX date here.]
Hopefully after the explanation in its entirety and after Tom calms down a bit, he'll be understanding and stick around. If not, well, he can go screw himself. Like a said, fierce loyalty. It can be a bugger.
Love you.
Mean it.
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