As heard in the newsroom, Part 6

My music is fighting your music and Katy Perry is going to win.
-Andrea

Alright, who stole my plant?
-Andrea

Does this sound cool or creepy? Cause it sounds cool to me.
-Celeste

Barbie is okay, even though she's a super skinny skank.
-Celeste

I meant holding hands.
That's fine. That's 14 points above where I am.
-Celeste & Jarom

I plan on having the worst attitude today.
I will beat you.
-Celeste  & John-Ross

I want to be the girl version of Clark.
-Christina

I'd kill someone and it would be fun.
-Christina

Can we take pictures of the girl with a mesh dress and a thong? Cause that's fashionable.
-Christina

I feel like my brain is vibrating.
-Clark

My hips don't lie about how much I eat.
-Elyse

If Mike Vic were white, he'd work at Office Max.
-Eric

Do you know what [Bill Nye] is going to talk about?
SCIENCE!
-Eric & everyone

I discovered it was a girl show. I've been watching a girl show for five seasons.
-Gilbert, about Bones

I'd call him but my phone is in a bag of rice.
-Gilbert

A day without a nap is a day wasted.
-Gilbert

I know music.
No, you don't. You make grilled cheese at a music venue.
-Gilbert  & Jake

This music sounds like my thighs rubbing together, angry at each other. I hate this shit.
-Jake

The world of J.R. is unbelievable.
-Jake

On the subject of faggots and frisbee golf...
-Jarom

Deal with it. Or don't.
-Jarom

We're planning a soiree of sorts.
-Jarom

He is a ninja. He's a blonde ninja.
-Jarom about Clark

I give and I give and I give and I just want to take my pants off.
-Jarom

As long as you only karaoke now and then.
-Jarom

I'm too lazy to go outside. That's my main problem.
-Jarom on his troubles dating

Women can't read. Is that sexist enough?
-Jarom

Do you know if "man-child" in the phrase "idiot man-child" has a hyphen?
-John-Ross

Things just got Norwegian up in here.
-John-Ross

She's divorcing him because he was addicted to alcohol and pot, which doesn't make sense because she's divorcing him for being awesome.
-John-Ross about Bill Murray

People take it way too seriously. And not all of them are potheads.
-John-Ross

We peed in his shampoo bottle.
-John-Ross

My father just sent me a text, "Hey fat Jesus, what are you doing this weekend?"
-John-Ross

I need to stop smoking. The state of Utah is really making a convincing argument.
-John-Ross

It's my fault for assuming Mesa, Arizona has stuff to do.
-John-Ross

This is a safe place, you moron.
-John-Ross

I don't give an asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk about pandas.
-John-Ross

I'm not going to a wedding. Fuck you.
-John-Ross

It takes 20 years for something to be funny. Except the Holocaust. That shit ain't funny.
-John-Ross

Do you have court? Why are you here?
-John-Ross

You can't even get a decent HJ from a haunted whore.
HJ?
I'll explain later.
-John-Ross & Gilbert

I saw The Help last week.
Was that good?
I didn't fucking see that movie.
-John-Ross & Vanessa

See ya, dirty book girl.
See ya later!
-Jonathan & Christina

It kinda looks like it's smiling and kinda like it wants to eat my face.
-Kelly

Don't tweet about sexual harassment.
-Kelly

If you weren't so damn good at your job, I wouldn't have to be so freaking awesome at mine.
-Kelly

I've forgiven him 70 times 7 times. Jesus says I can kick his ass.
-Kelly

That is highly inappropriate. Maybe later.
-Kelly

Don't point guns at people. It's not nice.
-Kelly

J.R.'s the simplest to explain.
And yet...
-Kelly & Jarom

What is your favorite animal?
Steak?
-Kelly & John-Ross

How do you change someone's race?

Holocaust? 

-Kelly & Thomas R.

Did you just say chlamydia champagne?
I did and I don't regret it.
-Kelly & Christina

I wann do Bill [Nye].
...
Science Rules!
-Kelly & Jarom

Robbin, I'm going to come embrace you. Is that alright?
-Matt P.

I'm a jokester, you guys.

-Tiffany

I'm helping Somali children. Don't bother me.
-Tiffany

He did look like a geek. I saw him.
-Tom L. about Matt P.