I'm Going To Bed Unhappy

I'm going to bed unhappy
not by choice but by habit.
I have no one to stay up with
so what's the point?

it's just this whole ridiculous impossibility of proper timing.
seems like everything must be
just so
to squeeze any happiness or love out of the moment.
And once you find that moment, that perfect serene moment,
it then fulfills the title of "moment" and is gone before you even realized
it was here.

I'm just so sick of being told it's not the right time.
it's not the right time for risks,
it's not the right time for chances,
it's not the right time for happiness,
it's not the right time for love.

bullshit.
I can't think of a better time for love and happiness in a person's life
than a time that is labeled
"not the right time."

And I don't mean to complain (though I'm doing it anyway)
but deep down everyone is afraid.
And I try to be tough and cynical,
make self-depricating jokes about being
"The Dateless-Wonder"
but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid.
I'm afraid
of what everyone else is afraid of.
And if you don't know what that is,
well, you've never had your heart broken, I suppose.

And it's not that I'm insensitive
or impatient
(though I have been at different places at different times)
but when you have a good thing staring right at you
ready to put up with your shit,
ready to be patient,
ready to listen,
ready to give a damn about you,
you'd just be stupid not to grab at that.

But now I'm just rambling and maybe tomorrow I'll regret writing this,
but like I said,
I'm going to bed unhappy
so who gives a shit?

Love you.
Mean it.