The title of the post is from a song called "The Big Sleep" by Streetlight Manifesto. It's something that's been on my mind lately. And by "lately" I mean over the past two months. I am living in Provo once again. The reasons for me living in Provo and not Cedar City are irritating, annoying, and, frankly, very painful. I could write about it. I really could. But since two months have gone by, I just don't give a shit anymore about the reasons. Me writing about them isn't going to change anything. That's all in the past and what I want to focus on is the present.
When I moved back home, into my bedroom in my parents' house, my mom kept saying the phrase, "this is a new beginning for you" or a variation thereof. I love my mom to pieces but every time she said that, I wanted to punch her in the face. This wasn't a beginning for me. It was an end. A very abrupt, unexpected end. And I hated it. I had been living relatively on my own for nearly four years down in Cedar City. And I loved it there. I had friends, really great friends. I was finally becoming friends with the people in my major. And I had a great job with an even greater boss. And for the first time in nearly six years I was happy. I was overwhelmingly happy. I didn't even know it was possible to be that happy. I loved my life and every part of it. It felt like I was constantly falling in love. It was great. Then I was prematurely ripped from the place I called home and went 200 miles to live where I hadn't lived in four years. I had no job, no money, and more importantly no friends. The close friends I had in high school were all going to colleges out of state. Any other person I may have considered in high school to be a friend, well, we weren't that close and four years is a long time. That wasn't a beginning. That was an end.
But I don't want to dwell on all that anymore. I'm tired of it. I just can't. I want to make this my Rex Manning Day of sorts. I'm back in school at UVU. It's not SUU but it'll have to work. I need to make the best of this and believe in my mom telling me that this is a beginning. And while I am still spending nearly every weekend night alone reading Chuck Palahnuik or Charles Bukowski or catching up on episodes of Criminal Minds, I know this isn't a forever kind of deal. Things will change and things will get better. It sucks right now and it's hard right now but things will get better. I've never been one to back down from a fight or admit defeat. And this isn't going to be any different.
In my room on the wall across from my bed is a blue plaque I made. It has my granddad's motto written on it: "Don't let the bastards win." That saying has got me through a lot. And it will get me through this. So let what ever bastards come. I'm looking for a fight and I aim to win.
I made this blog because I wanted a new start. I already have another blog but in the mindset of new beginnings I made this one. I want to write and this seems like a good way to do it. So to anyone who is reading out there, thanks.
Love you.
Mean it.
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