Sometimes His Stories Scare Me

The closest I have ever come to war is sitting in my various literature classes discussing Stephen Crane, Tim O'Brian, and the like. Safe in my climate controlled classroom, passing judgments on soldiers and discussing the meaning of death without ever having experienced it. We throw ourselves in the midst of words describing a battle with calculating eyes and indifferent separation. Then the hour is up and we remove ourselves and go on with our day without looking back. We judge without any understanding. How can we do that? How can we dare do that?

I see my friends go off to war and I make friends with those who come back. I don't know how they do it.

Jack tells me things about war sometimes when it's dark and we're alone in bed. His arms wrapped around me, my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest, he sometimes tells me things. Horrible things. Not just about the fighting he did a world away but the fighting he still does here. The fights that keep going on within his own mind. Sometimes his stories scare me.

Sometimes he hints of things he's capable of, how he can't be anything but a soldier. But lying so close, I'm not afraid of him. I know Jack. I trust him. I want to help him. Even if it's just listening, even if it's just letting him know I care. I don't understand war & death and it all frightens me so much. But I'm not going anywhere.

When my warm body is pressed against his, I listen to what he says. My arms instinctively & unconsciously tighten around him when his words scare me. Sometimes I don't even realize how tightly I'm holding on until I feel my muscles ache.  I relax a little but I never let go. I know he's only giving me the bare minimum of his stories. Some stories he's leaving out all together. I don't blame him for that. Some stories aren't worth telling. Some are too painful to tell. I'll be there to listen if he ever does want to tell me.

Those who know me know my mind never turns off. I'm always thinking. It comes to no surprise then that I have thought about the major issues facing our society today and have formed an opinion on the matter. Except for the war. I don't like war but I know that sometimes the benefits outweigh the costs. Sometimes we must do terrible things to achieve the greater good. But I don't like it. I don't want it. Our country is facing so many problems back home, I can't see why we're so fixated over there. But at the same time, I support our troops. I have friends who dedicate a portion of their lives to fighting. I would never criticize them or their decision. I just wish they didn't have to.

Love you.
Mean it.