Scary yet wonderful

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up you heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all of these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."
-Neil Gaiman

I've mentioned this quote before when I've talked about love. 

I've been dating this guy named Jake just a few days shy of two months. And though we are not in love just yet, the statement above still rings true. Being in love is a horribly scary thing, just like being in a relationship is a horribly scary thing. 

I mean, yes, there are wonderful things about being in both. I miss Jake whenever he's not around and when I'm with him, I'm very happy. He's incredibly smart and intellectually stimulating. He is passionate about activism and works very hard to promote his ideas. He is kind and thoughtful. And sometimes he can be so surprisingly romantic and sweet, I'm at a loss for words. I love being with him. I finally have someone to come home to. 

But being in a relationship is still horribly scary. Just as Gaiman points out, I spent over two years looking for someone while at the same time building up defenses against being hurt. And then one day Jake wandered into my stupid life and did something stupid like be kind or be intellectual and then suddenly, bam, my defenses were gone and my life wasn't my own anymore. He has a piece of me that he didn't ask for but that I consented and gladly gave. Isn't that frightening? 

Again, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with Jake. But it'd be stupid not to acknowledge the scariness of the situation.

But I think this is one of those situations that is scary yet wonderful at the same time. It's something where I'm willing to handle the scariness because everything else is so wonderful. There are nights when we are lying on his bed and he has his arms wrapped around me and neither of us are saying anything, those nights make the scary stuff seem unimportant, even if just for a moment. And those moments make all the scariness worth it. 

Love you.

Mean it.