As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 5

Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Last year [Jake] got his appendix out.
That happened.
-Andrea Whatcott & Jake Buntjer

I think you should make it bigger.
Isn’t that what they all say?
-Celeste Rosenlof & Elyse Taylor

I thought you undid her bra.
I don’t know how.
-Celeste Rosenlof & Sterling Gray

Let’s objectify this woman.
-Elyse Taylor

Or she’s being Michael Jackson, which is awesome for a two year old.
-Elyse Taylor

I hate the shit you like.
-Gilby Cisneros

People like to look at pretty women.
I know I do.
-Gilby Cisneros & Elyse Taylor

Can I call you John? 

No, you cannot. Fuck you.
-Gilby Cisneros & John-Ross Boyce

Hey, that zucchini spoke for itself.
-Jake Buntjer

Can you turn that off? My anxiety levels just rose 20 points.
-Jake Buntjer about punk music

I figured it was one guy wrestling eight girls. That’s awesome.
-Jarom Moore

Gilbert, sorry about the F-you but seriously, you can’t call me John.
-John-Ross Boyce

You’ve got to move the mouse, kids. Otherwise you get serial killers.
-John-Ross Boyce

You don’t shoot people in the face. That’s popularity 101.
-John-Ross Boyce

I’m turning 29 in October. I don’t have time to look to the past. It’s only the future from now on.
-John-Ross Bocye

You go, you fabulous little man.
-John-Ross Boyce

All I know about golf comes from Happy Gilmore & Caddyshack.
-John-Ross Boyce

I’m like the Typhoid Mary of clinical depression.
-John-Ross Boyce

Carly’s not a dick though.
Thank you.
-John-Ross Boyce & Carly Montgomery

Cause I’m ladylike, damnit!
-Kelly Cannon

Could you stop imagining me as some KFC slut?
-Kelly Cannon

I am not making fun of the army. I’m making fun of my friends who happen to be in the army.
-Kelly Cannon

A ‘Come to Jesus’ about Weezer?
No, a ‘Come to Jesus’ about priorities.
-Kelly Cannon & John-Ross Boyce

There are worse things to be called.
Yeah, like slut.
-Kelly Cannon & Sterling Gray

And that’s Andrea [Whatcott], dictator for life.
-Matt Peterson

I’m in my own cocoon of athletic happiness.
-Matt Peterson

We’ll bond, violent style.
-Matt Peterson

That sudden death was quick. It was sudden, if you will.
-Matt Peterson

Have you ever seen me play Call of Duty? You’d understand my approach to romance much more if you did.
-Nate Evans

Based on [the] Him vs. Her [column], I think you approach romance like a picnic while I approach it like guerilla warfare.
-Nate Evans

Slap him on the tush!
Does he have one?
-Parker Donat & Andrea Whatcott about Tom Larsen

Can you say pineapple in Spanish? Do you know what Spanish is?
-Sterling Gray to Andrea’s 2 year old

Love you.

Mean it.