Today marks the one-year anniversary of the worst day of my life.
I've tried dozens of times to write about what happened that day, all the events that led up to that day, the questions I still have, the unknown elements that were at play. But I can never get more than a few sentences out before I abandon it. Even now, one year later, I can't figure out a way to write about it all, to think about everything in a way that doesn't hurt, that doesn't remind me of how it felt in that instant when I lost everything. It's like an infection that won't heal, won't go away, but doesn't hurt as long as I ignore it. It's not healthy but I just can't bring myself to relive that day. I wish it would go away, that I could just forget every detail of that day.
When people ask me why I transferred to UVU, I usually make up some reason that sounds legit. I've only told one person everything that happened who wasn't someone involved in all of it. Explaining the course of events, the blatant lies, the realized betrayal, my words were choppy, hesitant, not because I didn't know what to say or how to say it but because going over all of it hurt so much. It was an awful pain stuck in my chest. I'm not sure I ever want to explain it all again.
I compare my life now to what it was a year ago and I'm not sure what conclusions I can draw. My life is so different now from what it was. It's true I am enjoying myself. Working for the paper has been a great blessing. All of the friendships & connections I've made, the opportunities I've had to improve my writing, and most of all, I finally know what I want to do with my life, these things couldn't have happened if I hadn't moved here. Living here has also led me to form a friendship with Jon, one of my dearest friends. His friendship means so much to me and I am grateful to have it. Being apart of an improv group, also, has done wonders for me and my self-confidence. What's So Funny has given me a place to belong, to feel welcome and accepted. I've had a lot of fun being apart of that group and look forward to practice every week. I guess in hindsight, I owe most of the happiness in my life to Andy Sherwin. He's the one who originally got me to write for the paper. My first assignment was to interview the very improv group I would later join. Those two things have been the most vital to my happiness here. I owe a lot to Andy. I hope one day I have the chance to thank him.
Thinking back to what my life was a year ago, I can't deny the fact I was happy. I was blissfully happy, actually. I had no direction in my life, I was failing half of my classes, and I was constantly striking out with nearly every single guy I met, but I had never been happier in my life. I had great, trustworthy, loyal friends. I had a great job that was one of my favorite parts of my day. I was excited to wake up in the morning, to live another day of my life. That had never happened to me before. And yes, while I am happy here for the most part, it has taken me a year to get back to the point of stable, consistent happiness.
It almost feels like I've lived two separate lives. They're both just too different to have any reasonable comparison. And I don't know which one I'd prefer to live. I guess it doesn't matter now. This is my life now and that's not going to change. But what if everything that happened a year ago didn't happen? What if I were still down in Cedar City? Would I still be happy? Would I know what I wanted to do with my life? I know one thing. You wouldn't be reading this. This blog was started as a way to cope with my moving here. And, as odd as it may sound, this blog has meant a lot to me. Being able to express myself through writing and being able to see and hear the positive feedback from readers has been joyous. So I guess things turned out okay in the end. I mean, I may not have as consistent happiness as I did back then but I am able to find ways to be happy. It's just different.
Happy Goddamn Anniversary, Kelly.
Maybe next year it'll just be another day.
Love you.
Mean it.
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