Sean, Gus, & "Jack"

Remember when I talked about how I only feel fiercely loyal to three guys?

I've been thinking about them a lot lately.

It always seems weird when I talk about any of those three. I refer to them as my friends but that word just doesn't seem adequate. They're more than just friends to me. I mean, friend is a word that I throw out flippantly and with very little regard. But with these three, it's different. They mean so much to me that a casual word like "friend" doesn't seem like enough.

I use the term Numero Uno when I talk about Sean because that's what we call each other. But every time I use it, I have to explain what I mean. "Numero Uno" is more of an inside joke between us. I sometimes say, "best friend" because it's easier for others to understand my meaning, but I don't like using that either. I had "best friend" once and he ended up destroying me. That term is forever tainted for me. Sean has been there for me when no one else has. I know it sounds cheesy (and he would agree that it does) but he's been my rock for over a year now. I owe a lot to him.

He pokes fun at me because I say, "Love you" to a lot of people. He doesn't think it means anything since I use it so often. But I really do mean it when I tell him I love him. It's not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of love. I don't think it'll ever be that type of love. And it's not like that old stupid cliche, "I love him like a brother" because I don't love him like I love my brother. I love him because he is my Numero Uno, someone who understands me and is there for me when I need him. And it's that love that makes the term "friend" seem so unsatisfactory.

When I talk about Gus, I usually refer to him as my ex-boyfriend because that's what his is. But the term "ex" has so many negative connotations that I'm quick to add that we're really really good friends still. But that stupid word, "friend," doesn't seem to really describe who his is to me.

For one thing, the guy's incredibly intelligent. I mean, I know I'm smart but he leaves me in the dust. I guess that's one of the reasons why I love talking to him. He challenges me, stimulates me to be smarter. He reminds me so much of that one guy. Gus has been there for me in my wrestle with religion from the very beginning. He's been one of the most supportive of the entire ordeal, probably because he was in the exact same situation only a few years ago. He wants me to be happy; he doesn't care where I find that happiness. He's always there for a quick pep talk or comforting word. Again, not to sound too cheesy, but he's a kindred spirit. I'm extremely lucky to have him in my life. I love him not only as someone who understands me & supports me but also because we were together at one point. All of that cannot be conveyed with just the simple word "friend."

There's also "Jack." I'm not even positive on how we became friends. We met through mutual friends. I think the first time I had a real conversation with him was when I went over to the Sig house one day. He was there cooking deer. It was around October and the deer hunt was in full swing. He offered me some. I honestly had never had deer before (a shock for a girl born & raised in Utah) but it was really good. I guess it kind of went from there. He means a lot to me. I've mentioned before he keeps people out for the most part. But he lets me in occasionally. Maybe he lets me in more than most people.

He was up here this past weekend for drill. We met up at a bar in Salt Lake called, "Liquid Joe's." His friend's band was playing there. It was only my third time being in a bar in my life but it was great to see Jack again. Even though we had to yell in each other's ears to be heard over the insanely loud music, it was good to talk to him again, actually talk and not just text each other late at night. I know this may sound weird but I love making him laugh. I mean, I can make people laugh anytime and it doesn't particularly matter. But seeing him grin, or even crack a full-blown smile and let out a chuckle, it makes me feel awesome. I swear, every time we hang out, I learn something new about him. Or, more accurately, he tells me something about himself I didn't know before. Once I hear it, I wonder why it was a "secret" to begin with.

Sometimes he texts me at night cause he's having a rough time. I talk to him and I hope I help him feel better. Sometimes all I can do is just let him know I care about him. He's been there for me a few times when I feel stuck in a night without hope of morning. He listens and gives me his straight forward, no bullshit replies. At least he's consistent. And even with him, the word "friend" seems so cheap, so trite. I mean, we are friends, yes, but we're more than just friends. We're not dating but I care about him more than just a friend.

These three guys, there some of the very few people I trust in this world. I hope they know how important they all are to me. And I need to come up with a title for them that's better than just "friend," a word that is actually worthy of what they mean to me.

I'm open to suggestions.

Love you.
Mean it.