There was a time in my life when I was not only cool (a subjective term, yes, but trust me, I was) but I was also an excellent flirt. I had a way with guys that could get them to not only talk to me at that moment but want to talk to me in the future. It was pretty standard procedure: I talk to a guy, I'd flirt and be generally awesome, he'd ask for my number and we'd continue talking/flirting with each other on a later date.
But time has not been kind to Kelly Cannon. Imagine, if you will, a number line like the ones you had to use in high school math class. Now, the middle of this number line is 0. 0 represents a person who is not flirtatious but isn't weird or abnormal in anyway. The line extends to 5 on the right. 5 represents a normal flirtatious level. In the past, I would rate myself at a 7. Now, to the left of the 0 is the negative region. A -5 represents a general awkwardness. Today, I would rate myself at a good -6 on this figurative number line.
This means not only have I lost my ability to flirt properly, but I've also fallen into the realm of the awkward. Being the awkward creature that I am has the exact opposite outcome of being a good flirt. While guys would want to continue talking to me and go out of their way to continue to talk to me, now they seem to go out of their way to avoid talking to me.
I can say, in all honesty & with only a bit of embarrassment, I haven't been in a relationship in over two years. Not only this but I can't remember the last time I've been asked on a date. I've asked guys on dates, yes, but this is not the same thing. And while there can be several causes to this uncomfortable truth, I know that it is in part due to this unnatural level of awkwardness within me.
I don't know when I made the Jekyll/Hyde transformation from flirt to awkward specimen. But I am able to recognize my symptoms. When I'm around a guy I find attractive, I tend to talk. A lot. More than normal. More than is natural. Essentially, I just can't shut up. It's bad. And not only do I not shut up, I begin to talk about really, really esoteric subjects like the mythos of Cthulhu or the fact that goats have rectangular pupils and that weirds me out. Okay, so sometimes they're not so esoteric as they are just odd.
The trouble is that my mind seems to only function at one speed: a bazillion miles an hour. This means that at any given time I'm thinking about about 7-12 different things, making connections, drawing conclusions, etc. It's pretty normal for me to get really frustrated with conversations because it takes others longer to finish thinking about something I've already thought all the way through. This leads to my verbal diarrhea when encountering a cute boy to go off into seven different directions for no real reason and to bring up subjects both esoteric and odd.
Sometimes I can try to play this off by saying, "And I'm talking too much" and physically put my hands over my mouth. Some guys may find this cute and quirky. Or at least I hope they find it quirky... My dating life would say otherwise.
My inability to STFU around cute guys is probably due to just plain old nervousness. It's a tick I've somehow developed by becoming nervous around these guys. The fact I am nervous around these guys is baffling to me. I don't remember ever being nervous around guys when I was up to a 7 on the figurative number line of coolness. If I liked a guy, I would be cool & confident and generally awesome. Now, since I experience more failure in the dating world then I do success, it's made me not cool, not confident and generally awkward.
In discussions with friends, I've explained my undying desire to one day be called charming. I don't know when this life goal developed. All I know is I've wanted it for years, only succeeding once (this was a particularly wonderful experience because I was called "unwittingly charming," one of the nicest compliments I've ever received). However, it is my belief that awkwardness is the antithesis of charm & therefore it is extremely difficult for me to achieve.
I've had friends try to convince me that perhaps I can develop an awkward charm that people (guys in particular) would find endearing. Though I am dubious that this is possible, maybe it is the best I can hope for, to be awkwardly charming, because this awkwardness doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon.
Love you.
Mean it.
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