The Worst Part of my Day

I've developed this habit of texting people at night when I'm in bed.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep, usually 2-3 hours. Those 2-3 hours are horrible. It's when I feel the most alone. I spend most of my days alone, either by circumstance or by choice. It doesn't bother me for the most part. But when it's dark and I'm left with nothing else to distract me, demons come out of hiding. Those old familiar feelings of loneliness, isolation, misery, & despair, I'm so used to them they've become second nature, a morbid "normal" for me.

So I text people. I know texting is one of the lowest forms of communication, probably only beaten by Facebook but it's all I've got to feel connected to someone in those hours of darkness. It's a frail but real feeling that someone out there gives a shit.

It's no secret that I hate night. I've become afraid of the dark over the last few years. I don't know why. Something about it is terrifying. You can't see what's there in the dark. No one can see you either. But this awful feeling like I'm completely alone that comes on only at night is more terrifying to me than pitch-black darkness. And if I can get just one person out there to text me, to make some simple, feeble form of communication to me, the night seems less terrifying.

I wish I could get over this need for connection at night. I'm sure my friends are getting rather sick of it. I know if I had a more solid stable for of connection with someone here then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to make desperate attempts at night to fill the darkness.

The only good thing about the night is it seems to make me more honest, more bold in my writing. I'm never braver than I am at night. I guess since I feel alone, I don't think as much about people reading this and therefore, I don't feel the need to hide anything. It's just a theory.

This is the worst part of my day. And it happens at the end of every goddamn day. So if anyone out there gets a seemingly random text from me at night, just know I'm only trying to make it to morning.

Love you.
Mean it.