The Illusion of Prayer

I haven't voluntarily prayed in nearly three years. I have been asked, on occasion, to say the prayer before family dinners. Those instances are uncomfortable & unwanted, and, thankfully, don't happen terribly often. I think my parents are catching onto the idea that prayer means nothing to me.

The thing is, I don't believe in prayer. People generally pray to thank god for the blessings in their lives and to humbly ask for things they need. This concept of prayer completely contradicts my view of who/what god is. As I've stated before, I hold a deist view of god. To me, god created everything in the universe but then takes a very "hands-off" approach to his creations. He doesn't get involved, he doesn't intervene, & he doesn't interact. This is why prayer seems so silly to me. You can say them all you want, it doesn't do any good. God isn't going to do anything about it. I'm not even sure god listens to them. I can't see how he can. How could he listen to all the desperate pleas of his creations and not intervene? This leads me to believe no one is listening to prayers. The way I view it, prayers are just messages being left on the answering machine of the universe; people feel the illusion of talking to someone but in reality, no one is listening.

My feelings & experiences towards prayer served as a basis for me changing my concept of god from a theistic god to more deistic. In my experiences, I would often pray fervently & fiercely for comfort or relief from my depression. So often I would find myself lost & alone, not seeing the point in anything and not wanting to exist. I would beg god to let me feel comfort, let me feel relief, let me feel something other than emptiness & pain. And do you know what happened? Nothing. I was left feeling empty and alone. The only times I would receive relief was when I got up and did something about it. And I know about the whole "faith without works is dead" bit but I don't buy that. It's just a way of giving god credit for something you did on your own. I got up and I took my life into my own hands & found a way to cope with my depression. God had nothing to do with it. Whenever I found myself in darkness, I'd beg god to help me find the light. And he never did. I had to stumble along, blindly groping my way towards the light.  Again, god had nothing to do with it.

However, I do see the benefit to some prayers. For instance, having standard set prayers, such as "Our Fathers" or "Hail Marys," can be extremely comforting in times of distress. But this comfort comes from the repetition of familiar words. Having set routines & repetitions can be soothing when one needs to find their center. The same idea can work for the repetition of a poem or even just a string of words. God doesn't necessarily have to be in the repetition. I tend to find comfort in writing the same sentence over and over on notebook paper.

I've been asked by people if I pray or if I believe in prayer. I've always tried to be honest about my views but prayer is a touchy issue, even more than if I believe in god. People seem more willing to accept my views about god because, ultimately, I still believe in a god. But when they discover my views on prayer, that god doesn't listen to them, people seem to think of me as some kind of heretic. Why should different views on prayer ignite such hostility? Is it really that big of a deal?

Love you.
Mean it.