The Damage This Place Creates

How many times have I done this? Driving around this town, wasting gas in order to kill time? I grew up here. I know it like the back of my hand. I've the phrase, "you never forget your hometown." I believe it's true cause god knows I've been trying to.

I've referred to this place as a haunted city, infected with memories I'd rather just forget. The trouble is living here again has created a whole new set of memories tied to the places that are marked by the old set. Not all of them are bad. There have been some I hope to never forget, like the grin that crept over my face the first time I walked into Jake's living room. Or the pleasant surprise I felt the first time I heard J.R. sing. But too often the pain of this haunted city infects the new bad memories, only increasing their destructive power on me. Getting my heart broken here somehow hurts far more than anywhere else. Loneliness & the accompanying fear of it is more acutely felt till I can no longer breathe.

I've said it before, I know this place will destroy me if I stay too long. I've always felt like it'll happen in a sudden build up until I find myself once again desperately trying to hold together the pieces of my stable mind. I know what it's like to go insane. I've never experienced anything more terrifying in my entire life. And I've wanted to run away, to escape this place because I never know if today will be the day I lose everything all over again, including my mind. But I don't think that's how it's going to happen anymore.

This city, this place, it works more like an infection, weighing you down with haunted memories till you realize the impossibility of escape. Even if you were to physically get out of here, you can never escape those memories, that pain you experienced there. Things like that will change a person. Things will never be the same.

I think I understand the need to run away, to escape as quickly as I can. The longer I stay here, the longer I am exposed to the damage this places creates, until one day it destroys me and my chances of escape.

I need to get out of here.

Love you.
Mean it.