Kelly the Frantic Forgetter, a Humorous Internal Monologue

Oh, look. There’s...shit. What is her name? I know her. She was in my graduating class. It’s...um...Bridget? Bethany? Lindsey? Shit! What is her name??? She took A Capella with me. She was even in my section, altos, though I don’t remember if she was a first or second alto... Think, Kelly. Think! Tiffany? No, I’d remember if her name was Tiffany. What a wretched name. Who in their right mind would name their daughter Tiffany? Do they think their daughter is going to stay 21 forever? No one is going to take an old woman seriously when she’s living in an old folks’ home & her name is Tiffany. Wait, don’t I know a Tiffany? She married what’s his name...that guy who once shot me with a BB gun when we were hanging out at his house... Never mind. Let’s try to remember one forgotten name at a time.

Anne? Adrian? Kimberly? Shit. I swear I know her name. She was dating that Justin guy the same time I was dating Jason. We’d hang out all the time since Justin & Jason were both on the drumline. Come to think of it, she was dating Justin the entire time I dated Alex then Jason then Kendall. Even after I got out of that abortion of a relationship (only to enter a bad-idea rebound) she was still dating Justin. What was Justin’s last name? Pitts? NO, Justin Pitts is currently my friend whom I just met back in March. I only met Justin Pitts on account of him being roommates with Jon. What was high school Justin’s last name? Justin...Justin...Justin...Timberlake. Oh, great. Now I got Sexyback stuck in my head. What the hell is her name???

Come on! She hung out with Nicole and Alexis and that Harmoney girl with the perpetually bad highlight job and fake nails. She lived up on the other side of Provo, kind of where Danielle’s parents live. She went to that one party Nicole had where it was all girls so we all wore our “immodest” tank tops (oh, to be young and naïve). We all stole that caution tape from that construction site (oh to be young and stupid). There’s a picture of me somewhere in my tank top with the caution tape wrapped around my boobs. I had a rather sultry look on my face (even for how young I was). Danielle was in the picture too! She was smiling that goofy Danielle smile that everyone (guys or girls) thought was so cute. My tank top was red & Danielle’s was yellow. I had a conversation later that night on the phone with Alex. All the girls were giggling so I had to go hide in a closet to hear him. And then two girls were wrestling in the hallway and someone’s knee smashed a hole in the wall. Why is it I can remember all this stupid stuff but I can’t remember her goddamn name???

Shit, she’s looking right at me. Quick! Pull out your phone. La-de-da. La-de-da...checking my text messages...smile as if I’m reading something funny (though I’m just reading mom’s misspelled text about how I need to let out the dog when I get home. She really needs to reread what she texted before she sends them). Is she gone? Looking from my peripheral... Okay, she’s gone. Goddamnit, what is her name? 

...

Brittany! It’s Brittany!

Love you.

Mean it. 

Kelly the Dateless Wonder, a Humorous Internal Monologue

This is just stupid. Yet again, I could not find one lousy person to come with me to see these plays. I mean, admittedly I did kind of wait till the last second to start asking people. I didn't know I was going to come until 3 minutes before I was on the road heading to campus. But still, are none of my guy friends as impulsive as I am? Are none of them able to change plans at a moment's notice? Are none of them able to to drop everything to go on an adventure like I do? I either need to get more things to do or get less ambitious friends...

Of course, there have been times when I have planned way in advance to attend a play or some other event, only to either have my request for accompaniment politely declined or canceled at the last moment. However, the fact I don't know a terrible amount of guys here in Provo does contribute to the small number of options to choose from. Okay, I do know a fair amount of guys here but that number is reduced to guys I have contact information (which are arranged in the following hierarchy: cell phone numbers, facebook friends, email, have a class together, occasionally see walking the halls). That number is further reduced to guys who do not completely drive me insane, guys who don't illicit me to get so angry at them, I want to punch them in the face, and guys where I would rather dig my ovaries out with a spoon than go out with them again. Now that is a small number, I assure you.

Is there something wrong with me that makes me unable to secure one lousy date to one lousy event? Do I smell? No, I don't think so. Even though I am not a fan of showering (it just takes too much goddamn time!) I do it every day or every other day if I can manage it. Plus I am a perfume/scented lotion whore. I think I might have a slight phobia when it comes to how I smell so I'm always putting on perfume or scented lotion or what-have-you.

Am I physically unattractive? I mean, I admit I have put on some weight since high school. But I graduated five years ago. Who hasn't? Besides, when you combine my severe, burning hatred of exercise with the fact my main source of energy is Mountain Dew, there are bound to be some negative side-effects. Maybe my clothes are cute enough... This is a definite possibility. I tend to rather spend my hard earned wages on things that matter, like books & movies, than on clothes. I hate clothes shopping and I hate spending a ton of money on clothes. I'm slowly discovering that the cuter the clothes, the more expensive the are to purchase and I am just not willing to drop $100 on a pair of stupid jeans. (dropping $100 on a stack of books/comic books is a different matter)

Maybe I'm just too much for guys. It wouldn't be the first time. Remember when Greg broke up with me and I was talking to Gus afterward. I asked Gus why he thought Greg broke up with me and he said, "I think you were just too...much for Greg." (it should be noted that the ellipsis (...) was more like a thirty-second pause than just a moment of hesitation) I can be a little "much," whatever that implies. I mean, yes, I am assertive, self-confident and bold. I am also intelligent, feisty, and passionate. And I do have a habit of being strong-willed and even stubborn at times. I'm the type of girl who knows what she wants, knows how she can get it, and is very used to getting her own way. I guess that could be somewhat off-putting for guys. Hell, it could be off-putting for anyone, male or female. Maybe guys are intimidated by my passionate, self-assured personality. Or maybe they're intimidated by my intelligence.

Or maybe I'm just too awkward to function and they don't want to be seen with this train-wreck. I mean, let's face it. I can't go one day without putting my foot in my mouth somehow. Or what about the fact I can ramble on & on about a subject that no one else knows anything about and is not the least bit interested (see: American literature post-1865, American beat poetry, Quentin Tarantino films, Chuck Palahniuk books, serial killers, Russian literature, my argument about how batman is not a superhero but just a hero, feminism in the 1950s-1970s vs. today, my dog Randy, etc.)?  Or the fact that during a conversation, I'm going seven different directions at once and, while I will eventually get back to my original point, I expect my fellow conversationalist to follow me on my confusing conversational journey? Or what about the fact I tend to talk exceedingly fast (and think even faster) and I get super annoyed if I have to reexplain myself or my thought process?

I think I'm beginning to see why I am always the dateless wonder...

Oh, well. No more time to think about it now. The first play is starting.

Love you.
Mean it.