I haven't claimed to be mormon in about three years. I haven't claimed any religion, in fact. I have stated before I don't believe in a god who intervenes with his creations. And I have reached all of these beliefs through first doubting the very religion/truth I was raised in and second by coming up with my own logical conclusions. However, my "doubting Thomas" mentality has also led me to some rather scary thoughts:
What if I'm wrong?
Yes, I have reached some logical conclusions as to the nature of god and the purpose of life and what to expect afterward but they are just guesses at best. I have no more proof of their truthfulness than I did with mormonism. What if I am wrong?
It's not that I do not believe my own conclusions. But before I reached my conclusions, I had to doubt the belief system I had already established or, more appropriately, had established for me. And I've told some people close to me that this belief system is what I believe until a better argument comes along. I cannot help but occasionally doubt my own conclusions. What if I am wrong? What then? What will it be like to meet the very god I turned my back on?
This fear of meeting god does not move me to actually go back to mormonism or religion in general. I cannot get myself to do it. Doing so would contradict so many of my own personal beliefs. But I do fear hell and I do fear an existence after this life that is nothing but pain and suffering. But my fear is not enough to force me to believe god gives a shit about any of us.
If I am wrong, may god have mercy upon me.
Love you.
Mean it.
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