What Does It Mean to Let Go?

What does it mean to let go?

It seems like you can do everything possible to forget, to give up on things ever being the same again. You can replace pictures in frames, you can delete numbers off your phone, you can give borrowed & forgotten clothes to charity. You can do everything you can think of to rid your life of reminders of the way things used to be, but even then it's no use. Your dreams suddenly become infected with memories you've tried so hard to forget. People you have deliberately tried to erase from your mind appear in your dreams and there's nothing you can do about it.

It isn't fair.

You try so hard to let go, to move on, to forget but you find your nights haunted with faces & feelings you could have gone a lifetime not remembering. And you wake up with those ghosts still fresh on your mind. Like a sneak-attack, you're caught off guard. You've worked so hard to build up a giant defense, impenetrable to such painful thoughts, and in those first few moments of the morning they are all brought crashing down. You feel everything all over again, all at once. All the pain. All the betrayal. Everything you felt in that one moment when you knew you've lost everything and you can't breathe. But thankfully as your senses come back, you're able to shove all those awful feelings away, lock them up and rebuild your walls so you can function once again. But those first few moments every morning are unbearable. And it's all so unfair.

You do everything you can to let go of the past but then you're blindsided by an attack from your own subconscious. You're suddenly afraid of your own mind. And you wonder each night before you go to sleep, what torture will you experience this evening? What horrible things will you remember tonight?

What does it mean to let go?

I wish I knew.

Love you.
Mean it.