As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 8

This is the last As Heard in the Newsroom. I have to say, the group of people I worked with at the UVU Review are some of the finest people I've ever met. Not only are they some of the most talent people I know, they're also some of the funniest, kindest, most wonderful people I know. We put out a quality paper every week that we were proud of while having the time of our lives. I am going to miss working with them and calling the newsroom home and I consider myself so blessed to ahve been apart of it for as long as I did. 

Be friendly cause you don’t know which 20 are excited.
–Andrea 

I seriously considered going into mortuary science this morning. 

-Andrea

Who’s feeling like a seizure?
-Christina

J.R.! I hope you’re drunk right now.
-Christina

Jarom, this is why people don’t sit next to you.
-Christina

Are you self medicating with pizza?
-Christina

Bill Murray was looking at me through the mirror and it was freaking me out.
-Christina

Country singers killed in plane crashes is tragic.
-Connor

I was giving him CPR from here.
-Cortney

Wait, I though Gilbert was black.
–Cortney

That word sounds dirty! Strobe...
-Elyse

I can’t [Facebook] chat with you. I have lots of stuff to do.
-Elyse

What does it mean when I’ve lost all interest in doing what I normally love? Isn’t that a sign for clinical depression?
-Elyse

Hey, creative word people.
-Elyse

It should be pretty racist.
-Eric

That guy looks like he’s Ryan Gosling and he’s seven.
-Eric

J.R., you look like Harry Potter Prisoner of Azkaban.
-Eric

Turns out Pete’s a Chinese guy and his food sucks.
-Eric

Jimmy Kimmel is a dick.
-Eric

It’s like running but for your brain.
-Eric

Chucks transcend all social statuses, ages, and cliques.
-Eric

If it’s good enough for Jay-Z, it’s good enough for J.R.
-Eric

Do you know what button I recently rediscovered? The escape button. It really does what it says it will.
–Eric

What you’re seeing is the basic Gilbert outfit.
-Gilbert

Unless it has Final Fantasy in front of it, I don’t recognize it.
-Gilbert on Roman Numerals

J.R., thanks to your tweets, I'll never get married. I'll be all alone, just me & my piggy bank.
-Gilbert

This one time, I ate donuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Don't ever do that.
-Gilbert

I need to get married, man. Does your wife have any friends with low self-esteem?
-Gilbert

Just wait until I'm Student Body President, J.R. I'll make you kiss my ring.
-Gilbert

My Dungeons & Dragons character is a pixie. A pixie blade maid. Her name is Kilbert the Pixie.
-Gilbert

I ended up watching a whole episode. Dude - talk about drama!
-Gilbert about the show Teen Mom

J.R., what does it mean to make it rain?
–Gilbert

I am J.R.’s son.
I am so ashamed.
-Gilbert & John-Ross

Gilbert, as your financial advisor, I advise you against making it rain.
–Jarom

It must be true love or really convenient.
-Jarom

You like to read. I don’t want to talk to you.
-Jarom on compatibility in relationships.

So you’re saying Jesus is Iron Man?
-Jarom

Kelly, we don’t fight nearly enough.
-Jarom

I know I did something clever.
-Jeff

Sometimes I feel like you’re a hummingbird and I’m a sloth.
-Jeff to Kelly

My home teachers started following me on Twitter. I’m so screwed.
-Jeff

For reals. Learn some shit.
-Jeff on doing homework

Hashtag that to your face!
-Jeff

Who took footage of my body and photoshopped David Beckham’s head on it?
-Jeff

I’d hate to be inside your head.
How do you think I feel?
-Jeff & Kelly

I hate you.
No you don’t.
-Jeff & Kelly

Besides you couldn't handle 100%. Nobody I've met yet can.
You're like a nuclear reactor or something.
-Jeff & Kelly

What do you call that? Scatter-brained?
Yeah, or just stupid.
-Jeff & Kelly

You played Zelda all break. Go read a book.
-John-Ross to Gilbert

They will be tough but fair.
-John-Ross on writing obituaries

Nah, I shouldn’t say that. Jesus is a cool dude.
-John-Ross

I have taught Gilbert how to hold a lady’s hand.
-John-Ross

As the self-appointed newsroom fire chief...
-John-Ross

He’s eating chicken nuggets with a lady tonight. And that’s not a euphemism. He really is eating chicken nuggets.
–John-Ross

Damnit, Gilbert! Sit in the chair!
–John-Ross

I told you, Gilbert. Foot fetish is real!
–John-Ross

And with that, I bid you all a fond “fuck off.”
–John-Ross

Oh, I know. I read the interwebs.
–John-Ross

What’s your wildest dream? A golf cart?
Yep, pretty much.
–John-Ross & Christina

I’ve never seen your wife.
Are you even married?
-John-Ross & Tom toward Matt

Sasquatch isn’t playful. He eats your face.
-Kelly

There’s no way I’m the only person to ever use hashtag intellectual snob.
-Kelly

I’d like to get married once before I die. Just once. I’m not greedy.
-Kelly

Think back like 20 years...no, wait. That’s too many. Think back 10 years.
-Kelly

It’s not stalking–it’s work.
-Kelly

A paper napkin is more complex than Twilight.
-Kelly

I want to have the library in Beauty and the Beast. That’s all.
-Kelly

I’ve printed bigger things.
-Kelly

I don’t know why I just said that when I meant to say this.
-Kelly

I think if we weren’t friends, I’d hate you.
-Kelly to Jeff

It was super fun racism.
You know what else was fun? The Holocaust.
–Kelly & Gilbert

Do you think I’m a snob?
No, but that’s cause I know you.
-Kelly & Jeff

I just shot down everything you just said.
Well, fuck you.
-Kelly & Jeff

I am so sick of the sports group being accused of racism.
-Matt

This is my passion and it’s being ripped away from me in legal terms I don’t understand.
-Matt on the NBA lockout

I’m 28 and still working on my Bachelor’s.
I’m 30 and you can shut up.
-Matt & Drew

I am a media, damnit! Write me a press release!
-Vanessa

As heard in the newsroom, part 7

Celeste, we have a bigger problem. We don't have a black friend.
-Andrea

I had to ride the bus when I was a stove.
-Andrea

My butt always feels wet here.
-Andrea about New Orleans.

Did they make sex?
-Andrea

That was an excellent jelly bean.
-Andrea

I skipped class and went home and made pies.
-Andrea

I just got put in primary. I know all about the wiggles.
-Brandon

My beard's a little sticky.
-Brandon

I have nothing against talking birds.
-Carly

So I've been thinking about racism...
-Celeste

...Which sucks balls.
Celeste, you can't say that with a bow around your neck.
-Celeste & Christina

Masturbation is bad.
What??? Since when???
-Celeste & Jarom

We want to know how to kindly–
We want that kid out!
-Christina & John-Ross

That's really creepy and I like it!
-Christina

I thought those were candy. Those aren't candy.
-Clark about a pile of condoms.

If you were a musical instrument, what would you be?
The most popular one cause I always get played.
-Clark & Jarom

Can you come over here so I can rub your belly?
-Courtney

Funny things are happening.
-Courtney

My soul thinks it's a good idea and so do a few professionals.
-Elyse

How long have you been playing the trumpet?
About 23 years.
You were a musical fetus?
-Elyse & Jeff

You should just play all those cliche trumpet songs.
-Eric

Told you! Who didn't believe... Wait, I think everyone believed me.
-Eric

I just need to win enough to buy some ice cream.
-Gilbert on gambling

I'm a man now.
-Gilbert

Should I be a ladybug or a kitten? I think a kitten is more manly.
-Gilbert

Geez guys, what are we? Five-years-old?
You're wearing a sheriff badge.
-Gilbert & Christina

Queen is overrated.
Gilbert, fuck you.
-Gilbert & John-Ross

I don't know why my hands are so soft.
-Jarom

The Village Inn has nothing but a new logo.
-Jarom

I hate school and you but you're both necessary.
-Jarom

Everyone laugh. Even you,  J.R.
I'll laugh at you.
-Jarom & John-Ross

Would you rather have a life size portrait of a naked man in your room...
This is going to be easy.
-Jarom & Matthew J.

What's going to be at this luncheon?
Food and Mormons.
-John-Ross & Kelly

I'll only go cause I like hating stuff.
-John-Ross

I'm Oprah-rich, motherfuckers!
-John-Ross

Matthew Jonassaint, you have been summoned to the council of elders.
-John-Ross

I don't want to bang your kid. I'm just a nice guy.
-John-Ross

Just because Gilbert isn't here doesn't mean we make Tiffany the new Gilbert.
-John-Ross

Clark Goldsberry. That sounds like a made up name.
-John-Ross

Gilbert, it's not a deviant thing. It's just kissing.
-John-Ross

Thank you. I deserve this.
-John-Ross after winning employee of the week.

Do you know how much condoms cost? That's why I don't use them.
-John-Ross

Is it bad I don't think his intentions are good and I'm frightened and maybe we should hide the zebra?
-Kelly

Your wife is adorable. I like her.
I kinda do too.
-Kelly & Jonathan

You do know your headphones aren't plugged into anything.
I do know that.
-Kelly & Parker

Booty call with your girlfriend?
I'm intrigued.
-Parker & Brandon in response to something Vanessa said.

I joined the mile high club! What does that mean?
-Tiffany

Your guy's secret meetings are lame.
-Tom

Are meetings always like this? If so, I'm going to show up more.
-Tom

I'll talk to them on the phone so they won't know I'm brown.
-Vanessa

Beard on beard action.
-Vanessa

Tiffany's a woman now!
Did I hear that right?
-Vanessa & Christina

I'm failing my Polynesian dance class.
How many credits is it?
Just one.
Well, fuck it then!
-Vanessa & John-Ross

As heard in the newsroom, Part 6

My music is fighting your music and Katy Perry is going to win.
-Andrea

Alright, who stole my plant?
-Andrea

Does this sound cool or creepy? Cause it sounds cool to me.
-Celeste

Barbie is okay, even though she's a super skinny skank.
-Celeste

I meant holding hands.
That's fine. That's 14 points above where I am.
-Celeste & Jarom

I plan on having the worst attitude today.
I will beat you.
-Celeste  & John-Ross

I want to be the girl version of Clark.
-Christina

I'd kill someone and it would be fun.
-Christina

Can we take pictures of the girl with a mesh dress and a thong? Cause that's fashionable.
-Christina

I feel like my brain is vibrating.
-Clark

My hips don't lie about how much I eat.
-Elyse

If Mike Vic were white, he'd work at Office Max.
-Eric

Do you know what [Bill Nye] is going to talk about?
SCIENCE!
-Eric & everyone

I discovered it was a girl show. I've been watching a girl show for five seasons.
-Gilbert, about Bones

I'd call him but my phone is in a bag of rice.
-Gilbert

A day without a nap is a day wasted.
-Gilbert

I know music.
No, you don't. You make grilled cheese at a music venue.
-Gilbert  & Jake

This music sounds like my thighs rubbing together, angry at each other. I hate this shit.
-Jake

The world of J.R. is unbelievable.
-Jake

On the subject of faggots and frisbee golf...
-Jarom

Deal with it. Or don't.
-Jarom

We're planning a soiree of sorts.
-Jarom

He is a ninja. He's a blonde ninja.
-Jarom about Clark

I give and I give and I give and I just want to take my pants off.
-Jarom

As long as you only karaoke now and then.
-Jarom

I'm too lazy to go outside. That's my main problem.
-Jarom on his troubles dating

Women can't read. Is that sexist enough?
-Jarom

Do you know if "man-child" in the phrase "idiot man-child" has a hyphen?
-John-Ross

Things just got Norwegian up in here.
-John-Ross

She's divorcing him because he was addicted to alcohol and pot, which doesn't make sense because she's divorcing him for being awesome.
-John-Ross about Bill Murray

People take it way too seriously. And not all of them are potheads.
-John-Ross

We peed in his shampoo bottle.
-John-Ross

My father just sent me a text, "Hey fat Jesus, what are you doing this weekend?"
-John-Ross

I need to stop smoking. The state of Utah is really making a convincing argument.
-John-Ross

It's my fault for assuming Mesa, Arizona has stuff to do.
-John-Ross

This is a safe place, you moron.
-John-Ross

I don't give an asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk about pandas.
-John-Ross

I'm not going to a wedding. Fuck you.
-John-Ross

It takes 20 years for something to be funny. Except the Holocaust. That shit ain't funny.
-John-Ross

Do you have court? Why are you here?
-John-Ross

You can't even get a decent HJ from a haunted whore.
HJ?
I'll explain later.
-John-Ross & Gilbert

I saw The Help last week.
Was that good?
I didn't fucking see that movie.
-John-Ross & Vanessa

See ya, dirty book girl.
See ya later!
-Jonathan & Christina

It kinda looks like it's smiling and kinda like it wants to eat my face.
-Kelly

Don't tweet about sexual harassment.
-Kelly

If you weren't so damn good at your job, I wouldn't have to be so freaking awesome at mine.
-Kelly

I've forgiven him 70 times 7 times. Jesus says I can kick his ass.
-Kelly

That is highly inappropriate. Maybe later.
-Kelly

Don't point guns at people. It's not nice.
-Kelly

J.R.'s the simplest to explain.
And yet...
-Kelly & Jarom

What is your favorite animal?
Steak?
-Kelly & John-Ross

How do you change someone's race?

Holocaust? 

-Kelly & Thomas R.

Did you just say chlamydia champagne?
I did and I don't regret it.
-Kelly & Christina

I wann do Bill [Nye].
...
Science Rules!
-Kelly & Jarom

Robbin, I'm going to come embrace you. Is that alright?
-Matt P.

I'm a jokester, you guys.

-Tiffany

I'm helping Somali children. Don't bother me.
-Tiffany

He did look like a geek. I saw him.
-Tom L. about Matt P.

As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 5

Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Last year [Jake] got his appendix out.
That happened.
-Andrea Whatcott & Jake Buntjer

I think you should make it bigger.
Isn’t that what they all say?
-Celeste Rosenlof & Elyse Taylor

I thought you undid her bra.
I don’t know how.
-Celeste Rosenlof & Sterling Gray

Let’s objectify this woman.
-Elyse Taylor

Or she’s being Michael Jackson, which is awesome for a two year old.
-Elyse Taylor

I hate the shit you like.
-Gilby Cisneros

People like to look at pretty women.
I know I do.
-Gilby Cisneros & Elyse Taylor

Can I call you John? 

No, you cannot. Fuck you.
-Gilby Cisneros & John-Ross Boyce

Hey, that zucchini spoke for itself.
-Jake Buntjer

Can you turn that off? My anxiety levels just rose 20 points.
-Jake Buntjer about punk music

I figured it was one guy wrestling eight girls. That’s awesome.
-Jarom Moore

Gilbert, sorry about the F-you but seriously, you can’t call me John.
-John-Ross Boyce

You’ve got to move the mouse, kids. Otherwise you get serial killers.
-John-Ross Boyce

You don’t shoot people in the face. That’s popularity 101.
-John-Ross Boyce

I’m turning 29 in October. I don’t have time to look to the past. It’s only the future from now on.
-John-Ross Bocye

You go, you fabulous little man.
-John-Ross Boyce

All I know about golf comes from Happy Gilmore & Caddyshack.
-John-Ross Boyce

I’m like the Typhoid Mary of clinical depression.
-John-Ross Boyce

Carly’s not a dick though.
Thank you.
-John-Ross Boyce & Carly Montgomery

Cause I’m ladylike, damnit!
-Kelly Cannon

Could you stop imagining me as some KFC slut?
-Kelly Cannon

I am not making fun of the army. I’m making fun of my friends who happen to be in the army.
-Kelly Cannon

A ‘Come to Jesus’ about Weezer?
No, a ‘Come to Jesus’ about priorities.
-Kelly Cannon & John-Ross Boyce

There are worse things to be called.
Yeah, like slut.
-Kelly Cannon & Sterling Gray

And that’s Andrea [Whatcott], dictator for life.
-Matt Peterson

I’m in my own cocoon of athletic happiness.
-Matt Peterson

We’ll bond, violent style.
-Matt Peterson

That sudden death was quick. It was sudden, if you will.
-Matt Peterson

Have you ever seen me play Call of Duty? You’d understand my approach to romance much more if you did.
-Nate Evans

Based on [the] Him vs. Her [column], I think you approach romance like a picnic while I approach it like guerilla warfare.
-Nate Evans

Slap him on the tush!
Does he have one?
-Parker Donat & Andrea Whatcott about Tom Larsen

Can you say pineapple in Spanish? Do you know what Spanish is?
-Sterling Gray to Andrea’s 2 year old

Love you.

Mean it. 

As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 4

Yesterday, we built the very first Review issue of the summer. It turned out great and will hit the stands on Monday. As such, I thought I'd continue my tradition of showing the world how freaking hilarious we are in the newsroom. Enjoy.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Where is my freaking assistant???
-Andrea Whatcott

Student Government is their golden child and we’re the redheaded stepchild.
-Andrea Whatcott

I’d really like to bring a girl home, just to freak out my dad.
Yeah, me too.
-Andrea Whatcott & Jarom Moore

Guys, I promise I didn’t just break this drawer. I really promise.
-Elyse Taylor

Not it...
-Elyse Taylor, walking away from a drawer she just broke.

My mom dated losers.
-Elyse Taylor

I like Tom. I don’t know Tom and I like Tom.
-Jake Buntjer

Oh my shallow.
-Jake Buntjer

I’m old. If a woman was my age, she’d be even older.
-Jake Buntjer

Welcome to the newspaper.
Bwahahahaha!
-Jake Buntjer & John-Ross Boyce

This is what I’d look like if I was a meerkat.
-Jarom Moore

I had dinner plans at Del Taco!
-Jarom Moore

I’m more than fine not doing it.
-Jarom Moore

This would look way cooler if you could see me do it.
-Jarom Moore

Mean Machine single-handedly stopped the Rapture.
He died that we might live.
-Jarom Moore & John-Ross Boyce

Because I didn’t tell them I was at the moment still a BYU student for five years.
-John-Ross Boyce

Easy reflexes my ass.
-John-Ross Boyce

No, it’s not okay to litter.
-John-Ross Boyce

I know I may look like a hippie cause I have long hair & a beard but I am not!
-John-Ross Boyce

Just a big hydra of jackass-ery.
-John-Ross Boyce

I am not interested in Tom Hanks’s summer to-do list.
-John-Ross Boyce

Are there midgets in it?
-John-Ross Boyce

I don’t think I’ve ever seen J.R. so giddy before. He’s like a 5-year-old boy.
-Kelly Cannon, on John-Ross watching Dawn of the Dead

Yeah, I’m on top of shit!
-Kelly Cannon

I don’t throw the term ‘whore’ around a lot. I throw the term ‘whore-slut-face’ around quite a bit.
-Kelly Cannon

Don’t worry, Jarom. I feel you, figuratively speaking.
-Matt Peterson

We’re all driven. It’s just sometimes we shift it into neutral.
-Matt Peterson

Aren’t you a COMM major?
No! God, No! ... No offense.
-Matt Peterson & Kelly Cannon

We’re going to watch a movie so don’t learn anything.
-Robbin Anthony

Go get cancer.
-Sharece Willcoxon, to J.R. who is about to go smoke

Love you.

Mean it. 

As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 3

This is going to be the last As Heard in the Newsroom for a while. The semester is over. The last issue hit the shelves yesterday. And while we will pick it back up in June for a bi-monthly circulation in the summer and back to our normal weekly circulation in the fall, it won't be the same. Some are graduating & going on to bigger and better things. Some are leaving to focus on other things in life. But I will say this: Being apart of the staff of the UVU Review has been one of the most challenging, rewarding, delightful, hilarious, and uplifting experiences in my life. And I am very, very thankful that I got to be a part of it and that I will continue to be apart of it for the upcoming year.
Cheers.

Part 1

Part 2

That guy kind of looks like he has a mustache even though he doesn’t have a mustache.
-Dave Newlin

It was jarring to see such a fat head on a skinny body.
-Dave Newlin

I didn’t throw it at you. It just happen to hit you.
-Dave Newlin

I am choosing not to believe you.
-Dave Newlin

Wait, one more thing! Cease clapping!
-Dave Newlin

I had drinking to do.
-Dave Newlin

You should’ve given it to Barlow.
Barlow would’ve screwed it up.
Yes, but he would have done it.
-Dave Newlin & John-Ross Boyce

I Dear John-ed him with 2 months left. Then I got a divorce so the joke’s on me!
-Elyse Taylor

I want cheese & I want danishes & I want them at the same time.
-Elyse Taylor

I need to start playing more video games.
Yeah, that’s a good idea.
-Gilby Cisneros & John-Ross Boyce

I like that last statement.
-Jake Buntjer

That was false. That was not a factual statement.
-Jake Buntjer

Who wants to pay me to be a yoga instructor?
-Jarom Moore

The pen is mightier than the sword but I have a bat.
-Jarom Moore

Am I crunking now?
-Jarom Moore

I’m off to go write about some woman.
Write fast.
-Jarom Moore & Andrea Whatcott, on a Friday

If you guys had a sword, could you kill a lion?
It’s all about timing so yes!
-Jarom Moore & Dave Newlin

Barlow is our Ringo, in a good way.
-John-Ross Boyce

They were uber puritan pukes.
-John-Ross Boyce

I will never donate blood. It’s mine. I earned it.
-John-Ross Boyce

I need to look these up. What movie does Nic Cage run around screaming, “I’m a vampire!”?
-John-Ross Boyce

Nadia, I hate everything but that burn.
-John-Ross Boyce in response to Nadia's insult about a writer.

I would use [a sperm bank] like an ATM.
-John-Ross Boyce

We’re like the grumpy old men from the Muppets.
Yes we are.
-John-Ross Boyce & Nadia Ashtawy

Cause nothing says fancy like italics.
-Kelly Cannon

Some of us weren’t alive during the depression.
Don’t worry. We’ll have our chance.
-Kelly Cannon & Jarom Moore

Can you guys whisper a little louder? I can’t read lips.
No!
-Kelly Cannon & Jarom Moore

That song is so funny & creepy yet romantic
-Lex Bourgeous

I know I’m suppose to be college fluent by now but I’m not.
-Mindy Harward, about speaking Spanish

How are you going to present them?
Poorly is my best guess.
-Mindy Harward & Jarom Moore

Cause in the 60s...
It was cool to lie.
-Mindy Harward & Nadia Ashtawy

I’m not a connoisseur of anything.
-Nadia Ashtawy

Yeah! Play that at my bar mitzvah!
-Nadia Ashtawy

But it’s really hard to make eye contact with chickens.
-Nadia Ashtawy

I don’t like the name Math Lab. It sounds too much like Meth Lab.
-Nadia Ashtawy

It’s not a virginal name.
-Nadia Ashtawy

I try to be an equal opportunity slammer.
-Robbin Anthony

Love you.

Mean it. 

As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 2

In case you missed it, here's Part 1.

I think a moose would listen to stoner metal music.
-Bryan Gomm

No, stop it! That’s not his name. You can’t just keep calling someone by the wrong name.
-Dave Newlin, about the pronunciation of the last name Whitecar

I swear I’ve met this girl & talked to her but I never noticed she’s missing a leg.
-Dave Newlin

My phone just called something. 

-Dave Newlin

Does my article suck as bad as I think it does?
-Dave Newlin

I don’t have to audition. I’m Dave fucking Newlin.
-Dave Newlin

I bet that guy’s depressed, sitting on all his piles of money.
-Dave Newlin

I am not that guy. I’m genuinely interested in the physics of doing kung fu with no arms or legs.
-Dave Newlin

Find your own ring, fucker.
-Dave Newlin

Where is the rally? Also, there’s a rally going on?
-Dave Newlin

Why is it snowing? Mindy, this is your fault almost undoubtedly.
-Dave Newlin

Okay, I’m going to do some bonding.
-Dave Newlin

Fuck A.P. style. I will not be bound by these rules. I transcend rules. 

-Dave Newlin

I wasn’t such a great writer when I was her age. I mean, I’m a pretty goddamn amazing writer now...
-Dave Newlin

I’ve been working all hard & shit.
-Dave Newlin

I home-taught people at that motel, which was weird.
No, what’s weird is that you home-taught.
-Dave Newlin & John-Ross Boyce

[The Republicans] seem to not like anything with a “P.” NPR, PBS...
That’s cause the “P” stands for Public.
-Dave Newlin & Kelly Cannon

I wish I was more not responsible...
Less responsible?
-Gilbie Cisneros & Mindy Harward

If you guys ever need to go to the bathroom in Salt Lake, I recommend the Grand American.
-Jarom Moore

You can be late but being late-late is slightly frowned upon.
-Jarom Moore

Elder Scott during the Saturday afternoon session was like, “Young men need to get married.” and I was like, “F-you. I’m trying.”
-Jarom Moore

Don’t sell yourself short. A lot of people think you’re going to hell.
-Jarom Moore

In a world of Carltons, we need a Will.
-John-Ross Boyce

If somebody gets raped at your apartment complex, it’s automatically on the sketchy list.
-John-Ross Boyce

There’s no “i” in gang-bang. And, yes Kelly, you can quote me on that.
-John-Ross Boyce

I’m sorry my friend was a creepazoid.
-John-Ross Boyce

Will write witty articles for food.
-John-Ross Boyce, on the title/theme of his portfolio

I really like his camouflage shorts cause this is 2002.
-John-Ross Boyce

Who’s racist now? Cause that would kick ass!
-John-Ross Boyce

So long story short, I wasn’t planning on going out but then my friends showed up and I ended up at a strip club.
-John-Ross Boyce

Wait, did we enter a time warp & it’s last year? Why are we talking about Avitar?
-John-Ross Boyce

How’s this for April Fools? I’ll come over to your house and burn it down if you shred my application.
-John-Ross Boyce

But it’s from Asia & anything from Asia is not metal.
-John-Ross Boyce

Genghis Khanis totally metal. He’s the only metal thing about Asia.
-John-Ross Boyce

There are no bathrooms in Mongolia.
-John-Ross Boyce

I think Catholicism is the opposite of Mormonism because in the Catholic church, everything is the woman’s fault. I can’t tell you how many times growing up, I’d come out of a meeting thinking I’m the worst person ever.
-John-Ross Boyce

I’d go to Denver for that.
-John-Ross Boyce, on Charlie Sheen’s tour

Snarky. High-five.
-John-Ross Boyce to Nadia

Hey, I know that shirt.
Yeah, it’s yours. You left it at my place.
-John-Ross Boyce & Dave Newlin, about the shirt Newlin was wearing.

I get off at 9.
And he’s done with work at 8:30
*high-five*
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

I can write bullshit for 50 bucks.
-Kelly Cannon

The copyediting room is the cave. [The Newsroom] is more like a happy meadow.
-Kelly Cannon

I just really really really like dogs.
Koreans also really really like dogs.
-Kelly Cannon & Nadia Ashtawy

That’s not sexual harassment.
That’s just regular harassment.
-Kelly Cannon & Nadia Ashtawy

The lonely and forgotten wolverine...
Aren’t we all?
-Kelly Cannon & Dave Newlin

Having a crush on Johnny Depp is not 2005.
-Mindy Harward

You were going to get an official list.
Yeah, and then I had to go to the hospital.
-Mindy Harward & Dave Newlin

Tupac is the Bard of gangsters.
-Nadia Ashtawy

Because Snow College is basically high school.
-Nadia Ashtawy

I just swore at my staff for nothing.
-Robbin Anthony

Don’t you ever write crap like this.
-Robbin Anthony

Jesus was fake-born in December.
-Sterling Gray

I am not going to be late for weight training today. Hello, world! It’s the new me!
-Sterling Gray

It’s unsafe to have feminists on campus.
-Sterling Gray

Three words for you: The. Spice. Girls.
-Sterling Gray

Woo-Hoo! We got the guy’s first name. The story just got one word longer.
-Sterling Gray

All I heard was I want a class where I lie on my back. I don’t know, sex ed?
-Sterling Gray

In a parallel universe, you’d be my girlfriend.
That’s hot!
-Sterling Gray & John-Ross Boyce

Love you.

Mean it. 

As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 1

So it's Sunday, the last day of my pathetic spring break, and I'm feeling incredibly lazy. So lazy, in fact, I don't feel like being terribly funny today. So I'm going to let other people do it for me. Allow me to present for your enjoyment the first in what will hopefully be a long series entitled

"As Heard in the Newsroom."

You may not have known this, but the staff of the UVU Review are freaking hilarious. I have written down some of my favorite quotes I've heard said in the Newsroom, as well as a few said outside of those hallowed walls. They are in alphabetical order cause that's how they've been saved on my phone. So enjoy and happy last day of spring break!

I can’t twitter it cause I don’t know how.
-Andrea Lindgren

Sudoku is more hipster than Vampire Weekend.
-Bryan Gomm

It’s like God’s phone is on vibrate.
-Dave Newlin

No! I reject your hug!
-Dave Newlin

Guys, that was way funnier than you gave me credit for.
-Dave Newlin

That is beautifully wrong, sir.
-Dave Newlin

I’m a disc golf freaking guru.
-Dave Newlin

Is he going to answer every question as a wolverine?
Grrrrr...
-Dave Newlin & Jarom Moore, about an interview with Willie the Wolverine mascot.

The Hooters girl called me baby...
-Gilbie Cisneros

I need a new job. Those sex offenders are rubbing off on me.
-Gilbie Cisneros

Can I openly say I snore really loud?
And can I openly say shit?
-Gilbie Cisneros & Jake Buntjer

I need to semi-date more.
-Jarom Moore

If my primary function was to reproduce, I’d be okay with that.
-Jarom Moore

I’ve earned the right to make fun of nerd through decades and decades of playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Wait, decades?
How old are you, Jarom?
-Jarom Moore, Nadia Ashtawy, & Kelly Cannon

I am the hydra of disdain.
-John-Ross Boyce

It's like eating bad meatloaf while watching a NCIS marathon.
-John-Ross Boyce

We could always use a sex scandal.
-John-Ross Boyce

Alcohol, guns, and murder. It’s the unholy trinity of The V.
-John-Ross Boyce

A thriller is a horror film with its balls cut off.
-John-Ross Boyce

Alright! Dinner with Obama! He’s the cool president.
-John-Ross Boyce

I haven’t hackey-sacked since Weezer put out a good album.
-John-Ross Boyce

For legitimate journalism!
-John-Ross Boyce

I have been saying awesome shit tonight.
-John-Ross Boyce

If I don’t drink & smoke like normal, then the terrorists win.
-John-Ross Boyce

That’s about as good as you can get for a mentally retarded rapper.
-John-Ross Boyce

There needs to be guidelines for robot bodies.
-John-Ross Boyce

What the hell? That isn’t doggy-style either!
-John-Ross Boyce

Newlin! My back hurts. Let’s smoke it off!
-John-Ross Boyce

I’d like to date a Nazi, just for the story.
-John-Ross Boyce

Who’s damn kid is making that noise?
That’s my damn kid.
-John-Ross Boyce & Andrea Lindgren

Since I do not own a uterus...
Wait, you can own a uterus?
-John-Ross Boyce & Celeste Rosenlof

Did your heart just grow three sizes?
Something else just grew three sizes as well.
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

Have some balls or ovaries, if you will.
Or a little of both.
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

Coming up next, Jack Nicholson & Jeff Bridges in Space Mountain.
I’d see it. You’ve sold me.
-John-Ross Boyce & Jarom Moore

Who at Fuddruckers would I know?
Who at Fuddruckers wouldn’t you know?
-John-Ross Boyce & Natalie Psuik

I don’t want you walking on my back with your big Chewbacca feet.
They’re not hairy. They’re just big.
-John-Ross Boyce & Dave Newlin

We’re starting a Newsroom bowling team!
No, we are not!
We’re starting an unsanctioned Newsroom bowling team!
-John-Ross Boyce & Dave Newlin

This next song is by a guy named Prince. I don’t know if you guys have heard of him...
What’s he the prince of?
He’s the prince of your fucking face, Rob Steffen!
-John-Ross Boyce & Rob Steffen

Don’t be a half-assed racist.
-Kelly Cannon

That sounds like a great conversation starter--”So I’ve been seeing a lot of Arabs lately...”
-Kelly Cannon

J.R. does not negotiate with terrorists.
-Kelly Cannon

Has anyone every told you that you remind them of Frank from 30 Rock?
Jesus...
Jesus told you? I didn’t know you were so celestially connected.
-Kelly Cannon & John-Ross Boyce

Are you sure they didn’t take a break?
No, these guys were pros.
-Kelly Cannon & John-Ross Boyce about a couple making-out in public for over an hour.

But we all know it in our hearts.
And in our breasts.
-Kelly Cannon & Sterling Gray

So it’s a controlled substance? Well, of course it is. Newsflash! I’m a reporter.
-Lex Bourgeous

I’ve read two books on Pablo Escobar. I have a little shrine of him.
-Lex Bourgeous

I decided to quit [smoking] when I went to the gas station to buy a new pack & I didn’t have my wallet so I figured, “Okay, I’m done.”
-Lex Bourgeous

I’m trying to quit [smoking].
Congratulations.
Yep, going on 14-hours now.
-Lex Bourgeous & Jarom Moore

We’re doing a story on students with ADD...
Oooo! Just follow me around all day.
-Celeste & Dave Newlin

Dave wants us to push Oklahoma in the next issue. And by push, I mean promote the shit out of it.
-Mindy Haward

Starbusrts are like crack for you.
-Mindy Haward to Andrea Lindgren

They seem like really nice guys with drug problems.
-Nadia Ashtawy

You were probably just bisexual for a half-hour.
-Natalie Psuik

The new astrology signs gave me cancer...
-Rob Steffen

“Is sex an option?” That’s my best pick-up line.
-Rob Steffen

It works for them, homophobic bigots.
-Robbin Anthony

Don’t give me that ADD bullshit.
-Robbin Anthony

Is your eternal salvation in jeopardy because of us?
No, I don’t think so...
-Robbin Anthony & Jarom Moore

Ghihad! I mean, Yee-Haw!
-Sterling Gray

Is that another restriction? Because I have breasts, I’m also dumb? You sexist.
-Sterling Gray, on robot bodies.

Unknown Newsroom Person 1: Where does the BYU newspaper get their budget from?
Unknown Newsroom Person 2: Mormons.

Love you. 

Mean it.