Alone

"Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym."

-Stephen King

I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately. It's a great show. In a single episode, I have cried, laughed, worried, and cheered. If a show can make you do all of that in just 42 minutes, that's damn fine television. 

One thing that's kind of like a theme throughout the show is the idea of being alone. The Doctor is the last of his kind, the last of the Time Lords. He watched his planet and all of his people burn. Now it's just him, traveling through space and time alone. Yes, he picks up companions that travel with him but they all go. Rose, Martha, Sarah Jane, they all have to leave him. He doesn't want to be alone. But in the end, he is. There's such tragedy and anguish in the Doctor because he knows he is alone. It breaks my heart every time I watch it. 

The funny thing is I've been watching so much Doctor Who lately because I am alone. School's done for now and the Review staff doesn't meet very regularly anymore. I've tried to get together with some friends but the truth of the matter is I don't have many here, close ones anyway. And when you only have maybe three or four chances of going out and doing something, chances are they are already busy with something. And I don't blame them. They're living their lives. How could I be mad about that? Just leaves me alone a lot. 

I mean, I am trying to get used to the idea, of being alone. But I don't think I ever will. And, quite honestly, I don't think I want to. Even though it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced, even though it leaves me wanting to cry, even though I know I can't take it much longer, I never want to get used to it. I don't care if the pain, the despair, the depression would go away if I did. It's not worth it. 

And yes, being alone is the worst thing in existence. But going through all that pain is worth it when you find someone and you aren't alone anymore. Having someone with you, someone to not only listen to you and talk to, but just to do things with, to help give your days purpose, there's nothing better in the universe. I should know. Cause right now all I've got are memories of times when I wasn't alone. They're some of the sweetest memories I have. And I know that it'll happen again. And I know it's against my nature to be optimistic. I'm more inclined to cynicism. But if there's one thing I hope for, that I believe in, it's that I'm not going to be alone forever. 

Love you.

Mean it.