My Tattoo Ideas

I've always wanted a tattoo.

Even when my dad said that if I ever got one, he'd remove it with a cheese grater. Even when the LDS church forbid them, I'd still think about what I would get. But since that isn't really a problem anymore, (the cheese grater might still be a viable threat) my tattoo ideas have become a little more...serious? Realistic? Plausible? Whatever you want to call it, I'm really thinking about getting one.

But when it comes to what I would get, I'm torn. I've never really been attached to any image, or at least one that would translate into a good looking tattoo. Considering that I've spent most of my life with my nose in a book, it makes sense I'm not a real 'image-oriented' kind of gal. The first image I seriously considered was the symbol for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (BPRD).

It's from the comic book series, Hellboy. When I unexpectedly moved back to Provo, I didn't have any friend close by. So I started reading more comic books. I really liked the Hellboy series. Hellboy is destined to bring about the end of the world and in each comic book, he's pressured into fulfilling this destiny. Yet he choses to fight fate. It's his life and he wants to live it the way he wants. His struggle was something I could really relate to, although I doubt I'm the one that will usher in the end of the world.

I've thought about getting some text tattooed on me. The only issue with that is I have about a million and one things to choose from. "Don't let the bastards win" was my granddad's motto. It's always been able to get me through pretty hard times. I also like the idea from Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions" of having a door with the words "Destructive Testing" on it.

The character of Dwayne recalls the story of when he had gone to the General Motors headquarters and had taken a tour of the research facilities. There was a room where the researchers did everything thing they possibly could to every piece of the car. They lit the upholstery on fire, threw gravel at the windshield, ran the engines at high speeds with almost no lubrication, etc. That sign, "Destructive Testing," was on the door of that room. Dwayne then says, "I saw that sign and I couldn't help wondering if that was what God put me on Earth for--to find out how much a man could take without breaking."

Another idea also comes from a Kurt Vonnegut book, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater. In the book, Mr. Rosewater is asked to "baptize" these twin babies. He gives them a little speech about life here on Earth: "...you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies--'Goddamnit, you've got to be kind.'" I think that sums up my feelings on life rather nicely.

But the one tattoo I know I am going to get is a scarlet letter P on the back of my right shoulder.

There are a couple reasons for this. One, one of my favorite American novels is The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. All the other reasons tie in with that story. For a good portion of my life of my life, (nearly 43 percent by my calculations) I hated my life and nearly every single part of it. I hated myself and I often wished I didn't exist. But around the time I turned 22 years old, something changed. I found myself happy. Really happy. Ridiculously happy. It was almost startling because I didn't know people could be so happy without exploding. I loved my life and I loved living it. Then, as time when on, people would accuse me of being prideful, of thinking too highly of myself. Every time this happened I wanted to tell that person it has taken me nearly a decade to learn to love myself and I'm never going back to the way things were. If they thought I was proud, they could go fuck themselves. This is where the tattoo comes in. Just like how Hester was forced to wear her "sin" for public display, even though she didn't feel it was a sin, so will I. Pride is my "scarlet letter." 

Love you.

Mean it.