I've been thinking a lot today.
I've come to realize that it's always when we look back that we notice how much we've changed. We grow up, we mature, we learn and we grow. We look back and we see the distance we have covered in our journey of life. We hardly ever realize we're changing when we're in that state of change.
I've only been thinking about it because for the first time I have realized I'm changing while I'm in that state of change. I don't even know how to describe the change that is taking place. I'm less happy-go-lucky (if you ever believed I was to begin with). I've cut myself off from destructive relationships that I only maintained because I had no one else to go to. I trust strangers a lot less and I find myself often feeling angry or irritated for no apparent reason.
But a good change is I've made friends, or rather, I've strengthen the friendships I've had. I've realized now who means a lot to me and who really doesn't. The greatest of these realizations is discovering that my friend Jon is probably the only friend I completely trust within a 200 mile radius. He's my dearest friend within that radius as well. He was one of the very first people I met when I moved. He knows more about me than most people do up here. I trust him. He's become one of my very few friends whom I would drop everything to help. I'm very lucky to have him as a friend.
I'm becoming more self-confident but in a different way. I've always been self-confident but I'm learning how to be so in a more passive way. I'm learning to be content being by myself. I'm learning to feel of worth when I'm alone. It's hard, really hard but I'm making progress.
I've said this before, I'm sure. I'm just trying to figure out a way to live my life that works for me. And I guess that means I need to be open to change, not only around me but also within me. As long as all of the changes help me to be happy, I can deal with it I suppose.
Love you.
Mean it.
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