Over the weekend, my class and I went up to Salt Lake City to view three documentaries on Saturday and one on Monday. For the most part, they were rather interesting. But, on occasion, there would be some archival footage that shook me to my core. There were non-violent protestors being brutally beaten by the police or having mace forcefully rubbed in their eyes. There was footage of heroin babies screaming non-stop. There were civil rights protestors, again, being tackled and beaten by the police. There were child soldiers in Africa shooting guns and being shot at. And each time footage like this flashed upon the screen, I’d instinctively and involuntarily clutch my chest, grab my necklace, or, during two screenings, grab Rob’s arm who was sitting next to me and bury my head in his shoulder. I couldn’t take it. Each time I was surrounded by the sights and sounds of pain and human suffering, I was overwhelmed with heartache. It was a very powerful and emotional response, and something I could not control no matter how hard I try.
This is a side of me that I’ve always known existed but never to what degree. It’s strange to admit because, besides my pride in not being a stereotypical overly-emotional girl, I watch extremely violent movies all the time. I love action movies with guns, explosions, fighting, etc. and I’m able to stomach all of that, even revel in it. However, I will not watch war movies. Any movie that is based upon a real war and has scenes of combat, I cannot watch. It upsets me too much. I see the pain, the fear, the stress, it’s all just too much for me to take. It’s because what I’m watching, though it’s staged and not real, did happen to real people. The suffering that the actors are portraying happened to actual people. Men with families at home, mothers, wives, children, fathers, all waiting for them to come home safely. Each man had dreams of the future and had stories from their past. Yet here I am watching their fear and pain being acted out on the screen before me, even if it is just acting. In most action movies, I know it’s fake. I know it’s not real. But in war movies, that shit did happen to real people.
That’s why watching archival footage of actual human suffering upset me so much. I can’t handle watching people in pain, especially if the pain is pointless and unnecessary. I feel like a wuss to admit it but I’m extremely sensitive to suffering of any kind. Every time I see something like that, I feel like my heart is going to break. I don’t know any of these people and probably never will, but their senseless suffering breaks my heart. And part of me really wishes it wouldn’t. Part of me wishes I could be stoic and unemotional when seeing such horrific things. I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s too painful.
Love you.
Mean it.
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