As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 8

This is the last As Heard in the Newsroom. I have to say, the group of people I worked with at the UVU Review are some of the finest people I've ever met. Not only are they some of the most talent people I know, they're also some of the funniest, kindest, most wonderful people I know. We put out a quality paper every week that we were proud of while having the time of our lives. I am going to miss working with them and calling the newsroom home and I consider myself so blessed to ahve been apart of it for as long as I did. 

Be friendly cause you don’t know which 20 are excited.
–Andrea 

I seriously considered going into mortuary science this morning. 

-Andrea

Who’s feeling like a seizure?
-Christina

J.R.! I hope you’re drunk right now.
-Christina

Jarom, this is why people don’t sit next to you.
-Christina

Are you self medicating with pizza?
-Christina

Bill Murray was looking at me through the mirror and it was freaking me out.
-Christina

Country singers killed in plane crashes is tragic.
-Connor

I was giving him CPR from here.
-Cortney

Wait, I though Gilbert was black.
–Cortney

That word sounds dirty! Strobe...
-Elyse

I can’t [Facebook] chat with you. I have lots of stuff to do.
-Elyse

What does it mean when I’ve lost all interest in doing what I normally love? Isn’t that a sign for clinical depression?
-Elyse

Hey, creative word people.
-Elyse

It should be pretty racist.
-Eric

That guy looks like he’s Ryan Gosling and he’s seven.
-Eric

J.R., you look like Harry Potter Prisoner of Azkaban.
-Eric

Turns out Pete’s a Chinese guy and his food sucks.
-Eric

Jimmy Kimmel is a dick.
-Eric

It’s like running but for your brain.
-Eric

Chucks transcend all social statuses, ages, and cliques.
-Eric

If it’s good enough for Jay-Z, it’s good enough for J.R.
-Eric

Do you know what button I recently rediscovered? The escape button. It really does what it says it will.
–Eric

What you’re seeing is the basic Gilbert outfit.
-Gilbert

Unless it has Final Fantasy in front of it, I don’t recognize it.
-Gilbert on Roman Numerals

J.R., thanks to your tweets, I'll never get married. I'll be all alone, just me & my piggy bank.
-Gilbert

This one time, I ate donuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Don't ever do that.
-Gilbert

I need to get married, man. Does your wife have any friends with low self-esteem?
-Gilbert

Just wait until I'm Student Body President, J.R. I'll make you kiss my ring.
-Gilbert

My Dungeons & Dragons character is a pixie. A pixie blade maid. Her name is Kilbert the Pixie.
-Gilbert

I ended up watching a whole episode. Dude - talk about drama!
-Gilbert about the show Teen Mom

J.R., what does it mean to make it rain?
–Gilbert

I am J.R.’s son.
I am so ashamed.
-Gilbert & John-Ross

Gilbert, as your financial advisor, I advise you against making it rain.
–Jarom

It must be true love or really convenient.
-Jarom

You like to read. I don’t want to talk to you.
-Jarom on compatibility in relationships.

So you’re saying Jesus is Iron Man?
-Jarom

Kelly, we don’t fight nearly enough.
-Jarom

I know I did something clever.
-Jeff

Sometimes I feel like you’re a hummingbird and I’m a sloth.
-Jeff to Kelly

My home teachers started following me on Twitter. I’m so screwed.
-Jeff

For reals. Learn some shit.
-Jeff on doing homework

Hashtag that to your face!
-Jeff

Who took footage of my body and photoshopped David Beckham’s head on it?
-Jeff

I’d hate to be inside your head.
How do you think I feel?
-Jeff & Kelly

I hate you.
No you don’t.
-Jeff & Kelly

Besides you couldn't handle 100%. Nobody I've met yet can.
You're like a nuclear reactor or something.
-Jeff & Kelly

What do you call that? Scatter-brained?
Yeah, or just stupid.
-Jeff & Kelly

You played Zelda all break. Go read a book.
-John-Ross to Gilbert

They will be tough but fair.
-John-Ross on writing obituaries

Nah, I shouldn’t say that. Jesus is a cool dude.
-John-Ross

I have taught Gilbert how to hold a lady’s hand.
-John-Ross

As the self-appointed newsroom fire chief...
-John-Ross

He’s eating chicken nuggets with a lady tonight. And that’s not a euphemism. He really is eating chicken nuggets.
–John-Ross

Damnit, Gilbert! Sit in the chair!
–John-Ross

I told you, Gilbert. Foot fetish is real!
–John-Ross

And with that, I bid you all a fond “fuck off.”
–John-Ross

Oh, I know. I read the interwebs.
–John-Ross

What’s your wildest dream? A golf cart?
Yep, pretty much.
–John-Ross & Christina

I’ve never seen your wife.
Are you even married?
-John-Ross & Tom toward Matt

Sasquatch isn’t playful. He eats your face.
-Kelly

There’s no way I’m the only person to ever use hashtag intellectual snob.
-Kelly

I’d like to get married once before I die. Just once. I’m not greedy.
-Kelly

Think back like 20 years...no, wait. That’s too many. Think back 10 years.
-Kelly

It’s not stalking–it’s work.
-Kelly

A paper napkin is more complex than Twilight.
-Kelly

I want to have the library in Beauty and the Beast. That’s all.
-Kelly

I’ve printed bigger things.
-Kelly

I don’t know why I just said that when I meant to say this.
-Kelly

I think if we weren’t friends, I’d hate you.
-Kelly to Jeff

It was super fun racism.
You know what else was fun? The Holocaust.
–Kelly & Gilbert

Do you think I’m a snob?
No, but that’s cause I know you.
-Kelly & Jeff

I just shot down everything you just said.
Well, fuck you.
-Kelly & Jeff

I am so sick of the sports group being accused of racism.
-Matt

This is my passion and it’s being ripped away from me in legal terms I don’t understand.
-Matt on the NBA lockout

I’m 28 and still working on my Bachelor’s.
I’m 30 and you can shut up.
-Matt & Drew

I am a media, damnit! Write me a press release!
-Vanessa