I should warn you first and foremost, this is going to be a sadder, more on the heavier side of things kind of post. If that doesn't sound like your cup of tea, go watch some youtube videos of adorable puppies or something (you may view my personal favorite puppy video here.)
So I have to take this stupid health class in order to finish my GE's and graduate. The particular stupid health class I am taking is called "Personal Health and Wellness." It's an online class and is fairly easy to get good grades in. All I have to do is complete a quiz & an exam for each of the 17 chapters and complete 10 assignments that are not too demanding. I just finished my chapter 14 quiz & exam, which dealt with aging, death, and dying. Usually when I "read" the chapter to prepare for the quiz & exam, I mostly just skim over everything, reading the definitions that are conveniently put off to the side and any other bolded aspects of the chapter. But this time was different. I found myself actually reading parts of the text such as "Coping Emotionally with Death," "What is 'Typical' Grief?" and "Making Final Arrangements."
I think the reason I actually stopped and read parts of this chapter is because I've never really had to deal with death in my life. The first time I probably encountered the concept of death was when I was three or four and my granddad passed away from Lou Gehrig's disease. I only vaguely remember my mom telling me that granddad had died but other than that, I don't remember anything. I do have two memories of my mother's father. One, him telling us grandkids we couldn't put water in the sandbox outside, and two, walking to a BYU football game and hearing his voice over the sound system. My granddad, Kenner Casteel Kartchner, Jr., was the announcer for the home BYU football games for over a decade. He got his Bachelor's degree from BYU and his Law degree from the University of Utah. He was recruited to the FBI and worked as an agent back east. My grandmom has told me in Georgia, he solved several cases that were deemed "unsolvable." Later, he left the FBI because it wasn't the type of life he wanted for his family. They all moved back to Provo and he became a salesman. Besides my Grandmom, who is currently 83 or so, he is the only grandparent I have memories of.
My father's parents both died when I was about a year old, my granddad from complications due to a stroke, and my grandmom from complications due to Alzheimer's disease. I have no memory of either of them. My granddad, Bennion Rhead Cannon, got his degree in engineering at the University of Utah and was the general manager of the pipe plant. At one point, he was the leading expert in his field in the entire nation. My grandmom, Helen Maurine Peterson Cannon, was an incredibly loving mother and dedicated wife. When my granddad built their house, he built everything to my grandmom's height (he was quite a bit taller than her) so she'd be comfortable. He had to stoop down to see himself in the mirror.
The second time I ever encountered a death was when I was in the eighth grade. A boy I only somewhat knew had killed himself. He was only 13-years-old, a fact that still baffles me. Suicide is a sensitive issue for me, mostly because it is an option I have considered multiple times when things were particularly bad. And while I don't condone it, I don't believe in automatically condemning the act either. One time I was discussing my suicidal thoughts with a dear & trusted friend. He said one of the most profound things I had ever heard on the subject. He said, "I don't understand why people say that suicide is 'fucked-up.' There is nothing fucked-up about wanting to end pain." But the fact that this boy ended his life at 13 broke my heart. Now, nearly ten years later, it still breaks my heart.
All my other encounters with death have always been at a distance. My old soccer coach died, a member of my sorority whom I didn't know died in a plane crash. It's always been just on the outside of my close circle. I guess I should consider myself lucky in that aspect.
Because death has never really happened close enough to me to truly affect me, I don't know how I would react to the death of a loved one. I mean, I've had five dogs pass away and since I love dogs in general & especially love the dogs we own, each instance threw me into a state of never ending crying and depression. I would be a wreck for days. If that's how I react with just dogs, how will it be for people?
As I said, my only remaining grandparent is my grandmom. She hasn't been doing too well lately and for the first time, I realize she may not be here much longer. I don't know how I should feel or react to this. I mean, on the one hand she is 83 and her health is declining rapidly. She's been a widow coming up on two decades. I don't want her to suffer any more than she has to. But on the other hand, it's my grandmom. I don't want to lose her.
I do believe in an afterlife and I do believe I will see all of my relatives (and dogs) again. But still, death is the great unknown, the big question mark that no one is able to explain for sure. Death is a concept that both confuses and terrifies me. I'm scared of it because I don't understand it, it is something that cannot be 100% explained. I envy people who say death doesn't frighten them. When I think about my own death, I'm scared shitless. Despite what I may believe, there is no way of understanding it completely.
I can't even think of a proper way to end this post because I'm left with just questions and worries about death. I know it is something that will happen to all of us and that's about it. All I can hope is that whenever death does come close to me, I'll be able to cope with it, even if I can't understand it.
Love you.
Mean it.
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