The Past

Once again I find myself unable to sleep.  I guess this is the sucky part of having a mind that is always working, always thinking; it's a real bugger to turn off.

Lately it seems I have a lot more on my mind than normal. Even when I manage to fall asleep, I keep having these dreams that wear me out to the point I wake up even more exhausted than when I fell asleep. I normally don't buy into any "dream theory" or the idea that dreams have special significance. I think dreams are just a manifestation of what's been on your mind. Which is why these dreams lately have been so troublesome to me. Without going into a ton of detail, in my dreams I've been encountering people from my past (most of whom I would like to keep in my past) and having to confront them with how much pain they have caused me, usually with violent consequences. Why am I dreaming about these things? I haven't thought about those people in months. Why now? Why now, when I finally feel like I've got my life back together and found happiness am I bothered with these stupid ghosts of my past?

I guess I'm slowly and begrudgingly learning I can't truly escape my past and that's okay. When I moved here, I had nothing but all my memories of Cedar City. I was lost trying to figure out where I fit in. Once I did find my place, with help from my improv group, school, working for the Review and some really great friends, I turned my back on my past life in Cedar. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. It was almost as if I wanted to believe it didn't happen. Once I finally was able to enjoy living here in Provo, I didn't want to look back and remember how good I once had it.

I guess, like most things in this world, it's a matter of balance. I can't get stuck in my past, living in regret and yearning for the way things were. But I can't try to escape my past either. I can't deny who I was and how I lived my life. More importantly, I can't lie about how happy I was there nor can I lie about how, at times, I was miserable. And how often times the same people who were causing me so much happiness were also causing me so much misery.

Maybe it's time for me to write the story of why I moved here, the reasons and the people responsible for the abrupt and painful change in my life. The one-year "anniversary" of me moving is coming up. Maybe I'll have it ready for posting by then.

March 12th 2011. Save the Date.

Love you.
Mean it.