Please Don't Think This Was Easy

So I wrote this story about you the other day.

Okay, it wasn't about you but you were in it. I reread it after a few days (I usually abandon my work after I finish for a few days. Sometimes cause I'm sick of it but mostly because I'm scared it's shit) and I realized I should have spent more time talking about you. After all, you really were the one that started it all. That first got me to question things, to think about things, to realize the world is a lot bigger than I originally thought.

If I were to write a story about you, it would be about that time you got plastered. Do you remember that? I was kinda-sorta-but-not-really-officially dating Sage and his best friend, Mickey, was dating his friend Alex. (Mickey was that girl with long brown hair and blue eyes who ended up dating that drug dealer and got arrested when their apartment got raided.) That movie "Alpha Dog" had just come out and we all wanted to see it. But because Cedar City is Cedar City, it wasn't playing in town. It wasn't even playing in St. George. The closest places were Provo and Vegas. Mickey knew about a party in Provo so we decided to go there. Five minutes later (literally five minutes) we were on the road.

We went to that party and I didn't know anyone. This was before I had ever even thought about drinking. This was before I became disillusioned about religion and God and what not. You called me. You were drunk. Very drunk. But I was glad you called. I found an empty room and we talked for over two hours. You were hilarious. You had just joined the Army and were discussing the differences between German and American tanks, saying German ones were your favorite and American ones were your next favorite. You explained it like that one Brian Regan bit.

Do you remember that one time we made out on your bed while listening to Brian Regan? I had never heard him before so every now and then in the midst of our passion, I'd start laughing at something Brian said. It made you laugh too. That was the night you told me about that one girl who worked at the cafeteria. You said she was the second most beautiful girl on campus. I asked who was the first. You looked incredulous and said it was me.

You then said you were dizzy so I told you to lie down. You made noises of an acrobat and said you were now laying down. After about five more minutes I hear an, "Oh, fuck!" and a crash. I called out your name in concern. You got back on the phone and said you fell off your chair. I told you I thought you were laying down. And you said you were laying on your chair.

You started talking about Shelley at this point. You weren't married yet. You were engaged though. You never talked about Shelley before, mostly because you eventually had to chose between us. You told me how much you loved her. How you wanted to be in the Army and serve your country but you didn't want to leave her. It was romantic but sad, cause that could've been me you were talking about.

Do you remember the last night we were both in Cedar? I was moving home for the summer and you were going off to boot. We sat on my balcony and talked about you going to war. I was scared. I loved you, but not in a husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. I loved you cause you were my best friend, a guy that knew me better than anyone else on the planet, including my then-boyfriend Sage. You said you were scared too but your sense of honor and duty was more powerful. I can't remember if I cried but if I didn't, I really should have.

We drove back to Cedar late, late Saturday night. I woke up on Sunday late for church (that's when I still went to church). I was in a scramble to get some clothes when I heard a knock on the front door. None of my roommates were home so I answered it. And there you were. You looked like shit. The first words out of your mouth were,
"I am never drinking again."
I put my arms around your neck and gave you a sympathy hug and then led you to my room. We both lied down on the bed and talked for seven hours. Church was no longer important. My best friend was hung over and I wanted to lie in bed with him.

Did you know you were the first guy I spent the night with? We didn't do anything sexual or anything. I was against it at the time. But we just slept in your twin sized bed. It was so small that our bodies were pressed up against one another. When you fell asleep, you twitched. A lot. Later you would tell me it was because of all the amphetamines and other drugs you used to do. I woke up in the middle of the night, like I always do, and your arm was still around me. I never felt safer or more in love.

I don't know where you are nowadays. I know you're still in the Army, specializing in interrogations (a.k.a. torture but at least you admit it). I hope you and Shelley are happy and well. I wonder if you have a kid by now. You've been married for about four years now. Remember when we'd talk about how you didn't want to have kids? Most of the time you'd joke about it but that one time, when it was just you and me on the couches downstairs in the dark, you admitted you didn't want to have kids cause you were scared shitless that you'd be a bad father--just like your father. I tried to reassure you that you'd be a great dad but I don't know if you believed me.

In case you were wondering, I'm doing alright. A lot has changed. I'm back home in Provo. It sucks but so it goes. I read Crime & Punishment about two years ago and have since read everything Dostoevsky has written. Thanks for suggesting him. I'm kind of on a Kurt Vonnegut kick right now. Have you read him? If not, do it. I think you'd like him. I don't want to be a high school teacher anymore. My plan is to go to grad school and get my master's and become a professor. I'm hoping to go to school in Boston or Oregon or Washington state. I like the idea of living there.

Well, I want you to know how lucky I am to have known you. No other person has had such a significant influence on my life in such a short amount of time. And I hope you know that where ever you are, I miss you. I really really miss you.

If you're ever in town, give me a call. It's the same number. We'll go get a drink and talk. Maybe you can tell me the story behind that scar across your head you got on your first tour.

Be safe.
Don't do anything stupid.

Love you.
Mean it.