For A Person Who Embraces Truth, I Can't Be Honest

I've dedicated my life to truth.

Nearly everything I've done for the past three years has been done in pursuit to discovering what is true in my life. Truth is the ultimate ideal. It is the only thing I can count on. There is nothing greater than truth.

Then why am I so scared to be honest?

There are so many things I want to say to people, so many things that probably need to be said. But I'm too scared to say them. I'm scared of how they will react. I'm scared of how it might change things. I'm scared I might look like an idiot.

But more than anything, I'm scared to death that if I say these things, those people will go away. Either they'll be scared away or want to distance themselves from me. I already know the bitter taste of losing everything. I know it all too well. The few people I still have in my life, those people who matter the most, I'm terrified of losing them. I don't want to lose any more people in my life. If I tell them how I feel, they might leave. I can't risk that.

So I keep all those feelings, all those honest, true feelings to myself. They're my secrets, the only ones I really have. And all those people will probably never, ever know how I felt. Even when they do leave me, as all people are going to do, they still won't know how much they meant to me.

I know it's stupid.
But I can't bring myself to be honest if it means risking everything I have left.

So all those people I'm keeping secrets from, if any of you read this,
I'm so sorry.

Love you.
Mean it.