Say I were to look over at you and ask, "You wanna go somewhere?" just as casually as I would if I asked you for the time. You would probably confused at first, looking into my eyes trying to detect twinkles of sarcasm. When you realize I'm being serious, you'll ask, "Go where?" to which I'll reply (still casually), "I don't care, really. I just want to go." You'll still look skeptical. So I'll lay out my thoughts to you, "Look, let's just get in the car and start driving. See where we end up."
Now, let's say you say yes. We go out and get in your car (cause mine always serves as an extension of my room, full of books, clothes, and shoes and today is no different) and we start to drive. We start talking and you're amazed by how free I look. The windows are down, the wind is whipping my thick, curly hair in every direction. With a laugh, I pile my hair up on my head and secure it in a messy bun with one of the hair ties I always have on my wrist. With my hair up, you notice a scar on my neck just right of the no man's land that's not quite my neck but not yet my shoulder. Maybe one day you'll find out that's my favorite place to be kissed.
Despite how free I look, you feel uneasy. You're so used to driving with a destination in mind. Driving just to drive is foreign to you. Every now and then, I'll tell you to turn. You have a brief thought that maybe I have a planned destination. But all I'm doing is keeping you away from the freeway . Freeways are boring.
You finally ask if there really is a destination. I look at you and say, "Nope." I notice a flash of bewilderment on your face and I can't help but laugh. I put my hand on yours. "Relax. Just enjoy driving." I let my hand linger just a bit longer than necessary. This causes that wonderful instantaneous jolt of excitement.
We keep driving and talking and laughing. You begin to relax as you learn to enjoy the drive. You realize how great it is to just be in this moment with me, to enjoy a moment of freeing abandonment. You feel so infinite and you finally do what you've wanted to do since we met. You reach over and take my hand. As our fingers interlace, you're amazed how easy, how natural that was. You try to remember why it took you so long to do it. But that thought and all others disappear when you feel my hand squeeze yours. There's plenty of time to think about everything but right now, you're just going to enjoy this moment.
But what if, when I asked you to go, you say no. You give me some excuse and I don't push to change your mind. We chat a bit before you go to work on whatever excuse you gave me. And you'll never know about enjoying the drive or feeling infinite or how good it feels to have your hand squeezed by mine. And by then end of the day, you won't be able to shake the feeling that something important is missing, an unsettling feeling that you missed something that you might never get back.
Love you.
Mean it.
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