20 Feet Away

He's within my line of sight, maybe 20 feet away.
And I'm terrified.

A letter has been sitting in my wallet for months now,
its intended receiver is just 20 feet away,
20 goddamn feet,
and I can't move.

Suddenly it seems stupid.
A letter written in black ink on college ruled notebook paper.
It was on a Monday during a late night English class.
I wrote it instead of paying attention.
A short letter saying thank you.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

But now,
I'm 20 feet away from the man I owe so much to.
I'm starting to think maybe I should throw it away.

20 feet away and my hands are shaking.

I've been meaning to give him this letter for months
and haven't seen him once.
It seemed easy enough.
Just give it to him, make an excuse to leave and get the hell out of there.
Go hide away and let my cheeks burn furiously in private.

20 feet away,
and I feel so stupid.

For some unknown, frustrating reason I care what he thinks of me.
I haven't seen or talk to him in months
and I still care what he thinks.

He's better than me, you know.
He's better than all my ex friends & ex lovers,
better than pretty much everyone I know.

20 goddamn feet.

Love you.
Mean it.