We Didn't Even Know What We Were Trying To Escape

Last week when I was in Cedar City, I had the chance to see Joe. I hadn't seen him since we ran into each other at SUU commencement back in May. It was so good to see him and to talk to him again. I had forgotten how much I missed him.

When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was getting out there. He was applying to different teaching jobs and Ph.D. programs across the nation, as well as in England and Australia. He hoped to be gone by the end of spring semester. I sat there listening to him explain why he wanted to get out of Utah. As he talked, I found him expressing the same feelings I have had for the longest time but couldn't find the words to explain them. Utah had served its purpose in his life. He needed a change. He needed to live somewhere where he didn't feel judged or suffocated. I don't think I have ever loved him more than at that moment.

I can remember being young, barely in high school, and my friends & I talked about getting out of Provo & Utah in general. This place didn't understand us and we were going to be something in the world. We were only 14 or 15 years old. We didn't even know what we were trying to escape. It was your typical teenage rebellion, I guess. Looking back, I don't think I really wanted to leave. Provo & Utah were the only places I had ever known. They were home to me.

Home.

That's become such an odd word. I used to think that Provo was my home. Then I left and Cedar City became my home. It's where I wanted to be. It's where I felt comfortable and wanted. I felt purpose there and a sense of belonging that I was craving. When I came back to Provo, Cedar City still felt like home. But I've come to a realization over the past few weeks. I love Cedar City and I probably always will but it's not my home anymore. Too many things have changed and when I go back, I'm not going back to the same place I called home. I think what makes an area feel like home is not only the right place but also the right time. Cedar City was my home for a long time but that time has passed and I need to find a new place & time.

Joe and I talked about each of us finding a new home. I'm not sure where it might be or how I'll know it's where I'm suppose to be. I guess it'll feel like when I first started living in Cedar City. I'll have this feeling that I belong there. I'll fall in love with the area and with my life. Eventually I'll build friendships and relationships that will feel like a family to me. And for that time in that place, I'll be happy.

Love you.
Mean it.