Being a Friend or Being a Sucker

The thing is, when you come into my life & I consider you my friend, that comes with a fierce kind of loyalty from me. Friendship means a lot to me, probably more than it should. There's a cliche old adage that says friends are family you get to choose. And I guess that rings especially true for me.

The way I figure it, if you're my friend & you need my help, there's not a power on God's green Earth that's going to keep me from helping. Cause that's what being a friend means to me. It means fierce loyalty without questions. It means standing by you when everyone else is against you. It means sticking up for you & defending you, even when I know you're wrong. It means supporting every stupid or brilliant decision you ever make and loving you not matter what. It means doing everything I can to help you find happiness.

The trouble is that very few people share my same definition of friendship and, as a result, I get burned. A lot. I mean, I've been burned before. It's nothing new. But when you're burned by a person you consider a friend & they don't even realize it, that's a new level of horrible hollow pain. And that bit about them not even realizing it is true in almost every case. Most friends don't even realize when they're hurting you. For example, if a friend of mine needed to talk to me about something important, I'd drop nearly everything to be there for them. But often when I need to talk to someone, my friends are busy, distracted, or otherwise preoccupied. I check up on my friends if they are sick or depressed or whatever, just to make sure they're doing okay. They rarely check up on me.

And I know it's not their fault. Their definition of friendship is different. And that's not a bad thing. It's just different. And it's in that difference that a lot of pain for me occurs. It's like I'm always giving 100% of myself to my friendships and not receiving a whole lot back. And it really does hurt, makes me feel worthless, not good enough, and ultimately like a sucker.

Of course, the obvious thing to do is rework my definition of friendship, change it so I'm not so loyal, not so caring & supportive. But, in all honest, that's never going to happen. That's not who I am. And I'm not trying to play the martyr here (god, I hate it when people do that). But I'm not going to change my definition of friendship because nearly everyone's definition differs from mine.

Because every once in a great long while, I become friends with someone whose definition is strikingly similar to mine. And when that happens, it's one of the best things in my life.

So yes, I'm going to get burned a lot by the very people I call friends but, as so well put by Sarah Jane Smith in Doctor Who, " Some things are worth getting your heart broken for."

Love you.
Mean it.