In Five Years Time

I realized the other day that this May is my five-year high school reunion. I'm not going to go. I really have no desire to go and see the people I graduated with. There are many reasons for this. One being the people I was close to in high school I already keep in contact with. Everyone else are just familiar faces with forgotten names.

I can't believe it's been almost five years since I graduated. Looking back I know my life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, I like my life right now. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I love my life. It's just not what I thought would happen. I know it sounds corny but if you would've told me five years ago where I'd be now, there is no way in hell I'd believe you. A lot has happened. A lot of things have changed. I'm not the same person I was when I graduated, which is a good thing I suppose.

Thinking back over the last five years makes me think of what's going to happen in the next five years. I'll be 27 by then. Where I am going to be then? Will I have a job I like? Will I be married? Will I have kids? There are so many uncertainties and it terrifies me. The last five years have been so unpredictable that there's no way I can even guess what is coming up ahead.

I'm discovering there is a very scary difference between what I want to do with my life and what I'll be able to do. I mean, I'm smart, fierce, stubborn, independent, and an incredibly hard worker. I know what I want and I do everything I can to get it. But sometimes that's not enough. With the economy the way it is, I can be all of those things and still be left sitting on my ass somewhere, no job and no prospects. I am a fighter. I always have been and I always ready to fight for what I want. I just don't know if I can hold out and keep fighting for what I want. I want to be a writer, yes. But how long until the world beats the fight out of me?

I want to be a writer because I want to change things. I want to reach out and let people know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. I want to be apart of a catalyst for change. I want to know that what I'm doing is making a difference. I used to say that I'm not cynical by nature; I'm cynical by experience. But when it comes to me wanting to help people and make a difference, I don't want to be cynical anymore. I want to tease out a little optimism and hope. And that terrifies me. Hope is a dangerous thing for dreamers. What if I can't make a go of writing? In five years, am I going to be a beaten down recovering-dreamer? I hope not. God, I hope not.

Love you.
Mean it.