Dealing with my body.

Once upon a time I was thin. Like really thin. I played soccer and ran track so I also had muscle tone. And I had no qualms with my body image. (I had other problems with depression and hating my life but that's a different story for different time). I knew I was hot and that guys wanted me and I LOVE it.

Then college came and I gained a little weight. But it still wasn't a big deal.

But then came the worst day of my life. And I gained more weight.

Then I started working with a trainer and I lost weight, a whole 12 pounds.

Then I graduated from college, moved to Logan and gained even more weight.

I am now the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life. And it's something I've had to adjust to. There are times I look in the mirror and I'm bewildered by what I see. I don't think of myself as this big but I am. I'm a heavy girl, a fat chick, "PLUS-SIZE."

There was a really long time when I really hated my body and it's enormity. I thought I was fat and ugly and unattractive and basically worthless and horrible.

Then, weirdly enough, I took part in a graduate study. Some woman working on her Ph.D (somehow connected to to my editor) was doing a study on women's body image, social pressure, etc. I was doing it because why not.

But then we got to the section about feminism and body image. As you know, I am not shy about my feminist beliefs. But I never really practiced feminism with my own body image. The idea of what is the "perfect body" is a patriarchal concept. How can I lift women up and encourage them to reject patriarchy if I hate my own body because it doesn't measure up to society's standards? It's hypocritical.

And so I reject fat shaming. I reject the idea of hating my body because it's bigger than it "should" be. I reject being ashamed of my body. Fuck that shit.

And so I've embraced my body. I embrace being heathy and eating right and exercising but not focusing on my weight but rather on being healthy.

In celebration of rejecting all shame I used to hold, I bought a bikini!

Want to know how to get a bikini body? Step 1: Buy a bikini. Step 2: Put it on your body.

Bam. Done. End of steps.

Love you.
Mean it.