Thoughts That Will Destroy Me

I'm only writing this cause I can't sleep.

Even as I type these words out, I feel the futility of it all.

I've been trapped in a hollow melancholy lately, the kind that makes anything seem pointless. I've fallen behind in work and school, but lack the proper worry to actually do anything about it. It's more than just "not caring." It's a questioning of why caring is so goddamn important in the first place.

I can't sleep. It feels like too many thoughts are piled up in my head because I've been ignoring them. For someone who prides herself on her quick, intelligent mind, I don't want to think about hardly anything anymore. I know my mind needs a good purge, but I just don't have the effort. I'm willing to let these thoughts fester in my mind a bit longer, poison me for a few more days, thoughts that will destroy me.

Jealousy over a good friend's new found and well deserved happiness
Constant anger towards those I should love
Insecurities and fears growing at an alarming rate
My ever present yearning for real connection juxtaposed against my newfound anti social tendencies
The replaying of poor choices that seem to prove I am horrible

That's just the beginning. It never ends.

I'll try to find my way to morning. No promises though.

Love you.
Mean it.