First and foremost, L.A. is a trashy city. Everything is so garish and gaudy but feels so fake and insincere. Even the people there seem to only have superficial humanity, hiding ulterior motives. The city has no soul, no genuine spirit. It's all flash, carefully crafted so as to blind you from the dingy, grayness of being.
That being said, this past weekend in L.A. was an enlightening one. I was there for a journalism conference and while I did learn a lot about journalism, that's not what I'm talking about when I say enlightening. The trip allowed me to see the true character of a man I barely knew before and revealed some truths about myself that I do not like. I'm not going to spend this post talking about what I learned from that guy (though I do intend on writing about it in the not so distant future) but rather things I found out about myself.
While normally I exude a persona of confidence that's borderline arrogance, there are certain times when I feel paralyzingly insecure. These moments often occur when I am in a new environment or with new people. I can be very social and outgoing but not without a companion who I know and trust. I need that "wingman" to help me feel safe and secure. Without that comforting assurance that at least one person in the room knows me and likes me, I freeze up. I become uncomfortable, don't say anything, and end up having a rather miserable time. It's incredibly irritating. I'm not exactly sure how to combat it either. I can't rely on always having a wingman to help me feel in control.
Another thing I realized is that I talk too much, in the sense I don't listen nearly enough. That guy I mentioned earlier helped me realize this. If I just shut up for five minutes & listen, I could find some of the most incredible people I've ever known. Everybody has stories & secrets. And I am convinced that more often than not, all people want is for someone to listen to them. I've been fortunate enough to have people listen to me when I'm happy or depressed. I need to repay the favor and listen more.
The last thing I realized I've actually known for a while, but never comprehended the far reaching effects of it. Loneliness is the most destructive, poisonous enemy in my life. No matter how successful I am at the Review, at work, or in my academics, if I have no one to talk to, confide in, and trust, then what is the point? I've felt alone for more days than I can remember. If I don't have at least one person out there whom I know understands me and is willing to spend time with me just so I don't go insane, nothing else matters. Loneliness is my enemy. And I have no idea how I am ever going to defeat her.
Love you.
Mean it.
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