Quotes from Russia

This weekend I'm getting together with the girls I went on my Russian adventure with for Miki's bridal shower. I decided to finally type these up. They may not be funny for many people but to us, they are hilarious.

"Do you mean home or home, home, home, home, home?

-Kelly

"Heil Hitler...Wait, I'm on a German plane!"

-Maggie

 "There are dark clouds, darker clouds, I don't want to go outside clouds, second-coming clouds..."

-Katy

"Look! I've got boob pockets!"

-Maggie

"Yay! ILP actually works!"

-I don't remember who said it but it was funny.

"It's not like Korea, which is the Mexico of Asia."

-Tharon

"The battery died. You always got to remember to add oil to your lamp so you can move on."

-Elder Henderson when the translator headphone things died.

"I love your name. It's not Liza or Sonya or Nastya, or Sasha or Dasha or Masha. It's just Maggie..."

-Elder Maxwell

"And Klim...Klim is just stupid."

-Kelly complaining about her class.

"Please me point!"

-Every single Russian student

Elder Henderson: What are you guys doing?

Elder Clements: We're having an 'I miss America' party.

Elder Henderson: Why didn't you invite me???

"I used to walk down the street thinking, 'I'm going to turn right' then I'd go left and think, 'Ha! I tricked God!'"

-Elder Henderson

Every Missionary: Where are you from?

Kelly: I was born & raised in Provo, Utah.

Every Missionary: I LOVE PROVO!

Kelly: No, no, no. You only know about 200 yards of Provo from the temple to the MTC. That does not count!

"Sometimes I wish I was a thief. I think it would be fun."

-Miki

"I'm going to tie her to a chair and make her be my friend!"

-Victoria about Kelly

"Welcome to the world of everyone but us."

-Katy

"Are we going to die?"

-Kelly, in a British accent, before we crossed an extremely busy road.

Katy: Look! You never see boys holding hands.

Kelly: They're probably queer.

"How can I steal secret glances at you if you won't stop staring at me???"

-Miki

"That looks churchy."

-Katy

Maggie: I have to write a talk on the atonement.

Kelly: Just BS it.

Maggie: I can't BS the atonement!!!

Someone: Are we going to work out every day, Sharla?

Sharla: Every damn day!

"We'll have a sign taped to her chest...I don't know what it would say...something witty."

-Tharon

"I can't tear my eyes off those pants!"

-Tharon about Victoria's pj's

"Neyet, sheyet."

-Miki

"I wouldn't frolic if I were you."

-Kelly

"Kishkuman was the Godfather of the Book of Mormon."

-Miki

Katy: It's easy to stay the king when you are the king.

Amaryah: Unless you're in the Book of Mormon.

"He sounds like a fruit."

-Miki about the metro PA system guy in Moscow

"He thinks you're from England. Go with it."

-Dani

Miki: That was more than Hagan-Das!

Kelly: You keep saying that.

Victoria: Where is that scar from, Tharon?

Tharon: Alabama.

"...if you're queer."

-Miki, Maggie, & Kelly's response to nearly everything.

"I just graffettied"

-Maggie

"It's times like these where all you can think is..."

*she then plays the song 'Oh Well' by Fiona Apple on her ipod*

-Miki

Elder Clements: How do you guys drink water?

Maggie: We boil it.

Elder Clements: What are you, boy scouts?

Miki: With our powers combined, the power of my wit, Katy's energy, Victoria's animation, Dani's strength, Amaryah's consideration, Maggie's charisma, and Kelly's indifference, we have...

Maggie: The perfect person!

Kelly: Well, that was anti-climatic...

"My favorite thing about Russia is me and my least favorite thing is you."

-Maggie

"It's like you from moon."

-Sveta

"Your country sucks!"

-Kelly, yelled out the window at the passersby during a snow storm.

"You Americans are silly. You're like, 'We're free from Europe! We're going to do things crazy!'"

-Sveta on the American cooking measurement system. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

Lunch With Russian Cops

It was probably when we were lost in Moscow that Miki and I really became close.

We both have pretty laid back personalities so neither of us were freaking out when we were lost in a huge city where we were vacationing. Oh, and we didn't speak a word of Russian. We wandered around, laughing and taking in the sights. We even had our pictures taken next to a great Russian Orthodox church.

A few weeks later when we were back in St. Petersburg, and it had been a rough day for Miki. The kids had been unruly and her lesson didn't go well. Tensions had been palpable within the group and she was feeling more homesick than normal. It happened to all of us from time to time. I guess it was just Miki's turn that day. After we had finished teaching, we all gathered in the small classroom where we kept our things. I asked Miki if she'd like to go to my host family's place for lunch. I had recently switched host families. My new host family's place was within "Russian walking distance" of the school we taught at. In order to get to my old family, I'd have to walk a mile to the metro, take a 45 minute ride, and then walk about six or seven blocks to get to their apartment. To get to my new family's place, it was only about a mile and a half walk. This new family consisted of a mom who didn't speak a word of English and her ten year old son, Vlad, who was the most annoying person I have ever met. Miki agreed and we packed up our stuff and started walking.

It wasn't unbearable cold that day. Since our trip to Moscow, it had become a bit warmer in St. Petersburg. It was still chilly enough that we wore our frock pea coats. The air smelled like Russia, a mixture of car exhaust, cigarette smoke, and cold. We could see hints of spring as we walked. The city was still gray and dirty but there were various patches of grass growing green and lush. There were even some wildflowers that popped up sporadically. The sky wasn't completely overcast, like it had been for the first two months of our trip and we were treated with the sight of the blue sky. It was a dramatic changed from when we first arrived there and we enjoyed and treasured the colors.

When we arrived in the apartment, I opened the first door that had three locks and the second door immediately behind it with two. We walked in, took off our coats and shoes and walked into the kitchen. The apartment was small but well furnished. The kitchen was to the left, next to Vlad's room where I was staying. There was also a living room where Vlad slept with his mom. I guess him mom slept there all of the time. She didn't have a room to herself. I rummaged around the fridge and found some cabbage wraps and put them in a small pot of water to warm. Microwaves are a luxury in Russia and we had all learned how to use a stove to heat our food.

Miki and I chatted while I cooked the food. Suddenly there was a firm knock at the door. Miki and I looked at each other for a moment then I went to go answer it. I looked through the peephole. There were two police officers standing there, wearing bullet proof vests that had the words полиции written on the front. They were both carrying what looked like automatic weapons. I didn't know anything about guns at the time and I still don't know much but I knew those guns were intimidating. I looked at Miki who had an expectant look on her face. "It's two police officers with bullet-proof vests and automatic guns." Miki's eyes became wide. "What should we do?" she asked. "Let them in, I suppose." I replied and began to unlock the doors.

The two men stepped in without being invited in. They asked me something in Russian. I replied in (very bad) Russian, "Я не говорить Россию" which meant, "I don't speak Russian." It was about the only thing I knew how to say fairly well in Russian since I would say it about 20 times a day. The police officers asked me something again in Russian and I replied again, "Я не говорить Россию." I then I attempted to add, "Я учитель английского языка" which meant I was an English teacher. I didn't know how to say it as well and I fumbled with the words. I then reverted back to my old standby, "Я не говорить Россию." They still seemed confused and I gave up and started talking in English. "Look, I don't understand what you're saying. I'm an English teacher. I'm living with this family. My friend and I are here having some lunch." I walked into the kitchen and gestured to the food on the counter. Miki hadn't said a word. After making one more attempt to talk to me in Russian, (I replied with a snarky, "I still don't understand what you're saying") they seemed to realize they weren't getting anything from us.

The one officer went to the phone to make a few calls. The other propped his automatic gun up against the wall and sat down at the table next to Miki to fill out some paperwork. Seeing as I had nothing else to do, I went back to the stove and tended the cabbage wraps. After a few moments, I turned to Miki and said, "I think they're done." She looked at me and tried not to laugh. I brought the wraps to her and we began to eat, continuing the conversation we were having before the cops showed up. The cops would talk to each other in Russian and every now and then would try to say something to us but would only receive looks of incomprehension. Neither one of us were frightened or nervous. We were as casual as if these two were our lunch guests. We even offered them some wraps and they laughed and shook their heads.

After about fifteen minutes, the officers stood up and began to look like they were ready to leave. I stood up and walked them to the door. After they crossed the threshold, I waved to them and said, "до свидания" which meant goodbye. The officers laughed and waved goodbye. The moment after I closed and locked the door I looked at Miki, who was still sitting at the table. At the same instance we both burst out laughing. I doubled over where I stood and Miki doubled in her chair. I walked over to the kitchen, still laughing, when Miki said, "Kelly, we just had lunch with Russian cops." I stopped laughing long enough to reply, "Yeah. They weren't much for conversation."

Love you.
Mean it.

Conversation with an Almost-Priest

It was my second time on a train.

The first time had been only a week before. An overnight trip from St. Petersburg to Moscow. We were taking the same trip but in reverse.

We rode coach because, despite the stereotype of rich Americans, we were dirt poor. The coach car was broken up into "compartments" like you see in the movies, except it only consisted of two walls with two pull down beds on each side. There was no door. The wall opposite of the compartment was lined with two pull down beds, one above the other. These were even cheaper seats.

There were nine of us: Dani, Amaryiah, Victoria, Katy, Miki, Maggie, Sharla, her husband Tharon, and myself. Since there were four to a compartment, one of us would have to be alone. I volunteered. While the vacation to Moscow had been fun and relaxing, it did define alliances a little more clearly. There was this subtle tension in the group underneath everything else. I went to my compartment and set up my stuff on the lower left bunk.

Two people, one guy and one girl came in, both in their mid to late twenties. They were dressed in all black. The guy wore a black t-shirt and baggy black pants with chains and rivets attached to them in no seeming order. His hair was black & red, neither of which was natural. The girl, a thin pale thing, wore tight black pants and a black tank top with a red bra. Her hair was long and naturally black. Both had piercing and tattoos. They saw I was American (it's sort of hard to hide) and in very broken English, explained to me they were a goth metal band. They were on tour and their bandmates were in another compartment. They gave me their business card, which was useless to me since it was in Russian. They left to be with their other bandmates while I pulled out my book, an English translation of The Brothers Karmazov.

The fourth member of the compartment walked in. He was also dressed in all black, but not like my other "bunk-buddies." He wore the white clerical collar of a Roman Catholic priest. He was in his early thirties, wore glasses and his brown hair had already begun to thin. He glanced at my book and asked me in accented but unbroken English if I was American. I told him I was and that I was an English teacher in St. Petersburg. I asked him how he knew English. He told me he was originally from Germany. He had learned English while he was in school, before he entered the Seminary. He wasn't a full priest yet. He had spent the past four years in the remote parts of Siberia doing missionary & humanitarian work. He was on his way to St. Petersburg to become an official priest.

The only knowledge I had on Roman Catholicism was what I learned from dating a Catholic named Sage the year before. I had been to Mass a few times but I was content with my own religion and didn't bother exploring any more than was necessary. I asked him if there were many Catholics in St. Petersburg. He said there were many. It was the second most prominent religion there, after the dominating Russian Orthodox. I had been to a few Russian Orthodox churches in St. Petersburg but hadn't seen any Catholic ones. He told me of the Catholic Church of St. Catherine that was on Nevsky Prospekt, the longest and most famous street in St. Petersburg. I had been there many times and made a mental note to find the church.

We began to talk about a variety of different subjects, including the concept of good & evil, who or what God is, and how there was a great need for more kindness & understanding in this world. The conversation turned to the subject of love and trust. He told me about his brother who still lived in Germany. His brother and his girlfriend had been living together for over six years. Once he asked his brother why he doesn't marry his girlfriend. He brother told him that even though they loved each other, they didn't know what the future would bring. It was easier for them to stay unmarried because they were unsure if things would work out if they got married. My companion looked at me with frustration. He repeated what he told his brother:

"Love is needed in a marriage, yes. But it needs more than just love. It needs work. Love alone cannot withstand the problems that will come up. You have to be dedicated to each other enough that you're willing to work when things get hard."

It was then that the lights were automatically dimmed, signaling it was quiet hours. I thanked my companion for the conversation and wished him luck. He thanked me as well and gathered up his things and left to the bathroom.

In the morning when we arrived in St. Petersburg, I packed up my bed and things in silence. The goths & the almost-priest did the same. I grabbed my bag and walked towards my group in the compartment next to us. As people shuffled by us to get off, they asked me how my night was. When the almost-priest walked past, he smile and waved. I smiled and waved back. I told my friends I had spent the evening having a conversation with an almost-priest. Somehow that didn't surprise them.

Love you.
Mean it.