Thoughts on Not Sleeping

I can't sleep.

I'm exhausted though I cannot sleep. I heard somewhere that if you can't sleep, you should get out of bed and go do something else and then come back and you'll fall asleep. It's probably true. But in my case, I doubt it will work. I think I have insomnia. Or at least have a definite sleeping disorder.

My doctor has given me some pills to help me sleep, along with helping me handle anxiety better. It's labeled an "antipsychotic" used to treat people with schizophrenia (which I don't have) and bipolar (which I do have). My doctor gave it to me when my other pills that I take in the morning started affecting my sleep more than normal.

One of those is Effexor. It's the latest antidepressant my doctor has prescribed. It seems to work but I know better than to trust medication to help me with my depression. When you have horrible, horrible genetics working against you and over six years in the trenches of fighting depression, trying to keep it from overwhelming you and keeping you in bed all day, you learn you need more than just "happy pills" to really be happy. These pills just make life bearable.

I've been taking Adderall for six years now to combat my ADHD. Since Adderall is just legalized amphetamines, if I am ever unable to refill my prescription and go at least two days without it, I go through withdrawals, the same as any drug addict in rehab. The longest I've gone without them was four days. I wanted to kill myself. Migraines, chills, cold sweat, nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, uncontrollable shaking, numb hands and face, it's hell.

The only way to not feel like shit is to sleep. But when I sleep during withdrawals, I get nightmares. Bad ones. Kinds where I'm being chased by things, haunted by violent souls, feeling like I'm in the presence of pure evil. But on top of all that is the reoccurring theme of being unable to wake up. Like something straight out of Nightmare on Elm Street. I'll know I'm dreaming and if I just wake up, all of the horror will go away. So I try and try and try to wake up. I finally do and feel relief only to be surrounded by frightening images and beings once again. I realize I didn't really wake up, I just thought I did. So I'll try to wake up again. This cycle will go on at least four more times, each one more terrifying than the last, not only because the beings/ghosts/demons are becoming more and more frightening but also I'm in a panic because I might never wake up. I might be stuck in this hell forever. When I finally really do wake up, I'm terrified to fall back asleep. But then I have to deal with the very real withdrawal symptoms which are miserable.

Going through withdrawals once is enough to make someone want to get off those pills and fast. I've gone through it more times then I'd like to remember. And each time it's awful. Yet I stay on the pills. I sometimes wonder if it's time for me to get off them. But I can't. I'm scared to. I'm scared if I go off them, my depression/anxiety/ADHD/bipolar will go out of control again. That means panic attacks, fits of sobbing for no reason, inability to focus, and crippling depression, the kind where I don't see the point of doing anything. Thoughts of suicide are never far away. I don't want to go back there. Ever.

I'll gladly deal with the occasional period of withdrawals if I never have to face those demons again. Because if I did, I'm not so sure I would win.