Odd, Unexplainable Feelings

Last night I watched August Rush. Believe me, I didn't choose the movie. I was at my friend's place and I was just glad to get out of my house for a few hours. I had no place to complain. I had seen August Rush before, though I cannot tell you when or where or who with. I just remember seeing it before. And when I watched it this time, it broke my heart. Not because of the story or the characters or the music. It was just one shot, one brief image:

Once I saw this image, this part of the movie, I quickly & decidedly began to withdraw myself out of the film, not because it wasn't a decent film but because seeing Louis hold Lyla like that, like she were the most important thing in the world, like he was never going to let her go, it broke my heart. I can remember a time when I was held like that, me & a guy could lay in bed all day, him holding me the way Louis held Lyla. It's been over a year since I've been held like that. 

I withdrew myself from the movie because movies always, always have a deep impact on me. I become emotionally invested in any movie, regardless of its genre. And once I saw that scene of Louis holding Lyla, I knew if I didn't stop myself from allowing the movie to impact me, I was going to be upset and lonely the rest of the night. 

Moments like that happen every now & then, moments where the fact I'm alone becomes extremely poignant. In those moments, it's hard to breathe, hard to think. Luckily they are infrequent and I can manage to get through them without too much damage. It's when they happen at night that they become a real bugger. I hate the night. You can't escape yourself in the night. And if you don't have someone lying right next to you, the night is hard to get through. 

Lately I've been doing more reading at night. I find if I goof off on my computer, I never fall asleep. But if I read, I can fall asleep quicker. I'll have my book (David Foster Wallace, Fyodor Dostoevsky, or Kurt Vonnegut have been the most popular lately) and I'll curl up and read. Sometimes I have a weird feeling. It's hard to explain it properly without sounding crazy. It's like for a brief moment, I'll feel like whoever I'm suppose to end up with one day is doing the exact same thing. He's curled up in his bed, reading something as well. It's an insane and unexplainable feeling but I can't just shake it off nor deny the realness of it. I don't believe in destiny or fate, and I don't believe in "the one." But those brief feelings I get when I'm reading at night let me know I'm not going to be alone much longer. Whenever I feel that way, I wonder if he (whoever he is) ever gets those odd, unexplainable feelings too. Whether he feels that his girl is curled up in bed reading, just trying to get to morning. 

Love you.

Mean it.