20 things I learned in 2011

1. Always trust your gut. 
2. Be kind. People remember kindnesses. 
3. First impressions are not always right. But neither are second impressions, third impressions, nor fourth impressions. Sometimes you can be completely wrong about someone. 
4. It's a small world and will continually get smaller. 
5. After receiving rejection, take the rest of the day to get all the disappointment, frustration, self-loathing, etc. out & done with so tomorrow you can begin your attack once again. 
6. If you're unhappy alone, being with someone isn't going to change that.
7. Figure out what you believe in and then believe in it heart & soul. 
8. Your actions should always reflect what you believe in. 
9. Sometimes things work out. Other times things get a lot worse. And most of the time, there's nothing you can do to ever change that. 
10. Parents are a never-ending source of love and support. They will always, always be there for you, even if you don't want them to be. 
11. Friends are one of life's greatest gifts. Never give them up without a fight. 
12.  Sometimes avoiding something is more agonizing than actually confronting your problem. 
13. Don't let assholes ruin your day. 
14. You never have to do anything you don't want to do. It is your life and you get to make the decisions. However, you don't have a choice when it comes to the consequences of your decisions. You have to deal with those. 
15. The most awful day in the world can seem a million times better by coming home and having a dog run and jump into your arms. 
16. It is nearly essential for people to have that one friend whom you can trust & rely on. Knowing someone is close who cares keeps you sane. 
17. Sometimes the most powerful things you can say should never be shouted. 
18. Believe in yourself. Sometimes you are all you've got. 
19. Embrace every aspect of yourself. It's the combination of every last detail of yourself that people fall in love with every day. Never be ashamed of that. 
20. Live your life in a way that you feel like you're falling in love every time you wake up. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

#107: How do you define family?

The concept of family is one that has always been very important to me. I guess being raised in a religious household where the importance of family is always heavily emphasized has had a lasting effect on me. But like my definition of home, my definition of family extends way beyond the traditional sense of the word.

To me, family is a group of people who support you, endure with you (sometimes endure you), who will fight for you, stand by your side no matter what, and, most importantly, who will love you no matter what. They want you to be happy and will support you in your journey to happiness. Family gives you a place to stay when you have nowhere else to go. Family will listen to you when you need to get all the badness out of you. And all of these qualities are unconditional. They are there because you are family.

At the same time, family is there to give you a good swift kick in the ass because, damnit, you needed one. Family is there to shake you out of your self-pity-party and get you back on your feet. They were there for you when you needed comfort and empathy but they're also there when you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. They love you and sometimes, they need to supply tough love.

I want to point out that when I began this definition, I said, "family is a group of people..." To me, family can extend far beyond the reaches of your bloodline. You've heard people describe some of their friends as being "like family." To me, they are one in the same. I have had plenty of people in my life who have fulfilled the aforementioned qualities who were not related to me at all. Those people I would label family. I wouldn't necessarily label them as a brother or a sister or a specific family title but just the all-encompassing label of family.

And just like my definition of home, it's something that is always changing. Just like home is where you feel like you belong, family is also a place where you should feel like you belong.

If all of this is true, I have a considerably large family. And I consider myself very blessed.

Love you.
Mean it.

#108: If you wrote a book, what would be on the dedication page?

To my parents, Rex & Camille Cannon
for the non-stop love, patience, and kindness,
for believing in me even when I didn't,
and for putting up with me over all these years.

Love you.
Mean it.

Remember the best.

Two nights ago, I went out for coffee with three friends.
These friends represented three very different parts of my life.

First, there was Ashley, my best friend from high school. We'd been through so much together. We played Helena & Hermia in "Midsummer Night's Dream" our senior year. We had bonded up at Rock Canyon park after our mutual friend's wedding when we finally admitted to each other that we had our doubts about the church. I had been her winglady & protector. She had been my cheerleader & comfort. We had so many memories, inside jokes, stories together.

Then there was Sean, my Numero Uno. He was my rock back in Cedar City. He was there for me on the worst day of my life. He let me crash on his couch when I needed to come back "home." He listened to me and trust my judgment when he needed help. He was there for me when no one else was. He was my last remaining connection to Cedar City, to the life I knew I could never get back.

Finally, there was Jeff, my old assistant and my only real friend within 200 miles. He's the only guy who not only could keep up with me but wouldn't let me get away with anything. He'd call me out on my shit and I'd have to backtrack my statements. He's the only one I trust enough with my biggest secret and even though he let it slip just one time, I still trust him because I know he's good for it. He's the one I come to now for help or advice or just when I need someone to talk to.

It was odd to see these three people together. It was almost the sum total of my adult life was represented before me in the stories associated with these three people. Each one reminded me of a time and place that I once belonged to.

There's this brilliant quote from Doctor Who that says, "However dark it got, I'd turn around and there they'd be. If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me." I believe this is true for me. My friends have always, always been the best part of my life and even when time goes by & I lose touch, it doesn't mean that their friendship, their influence still doesn't effect me. It's a constant thing. A good friend isn't easily forgotten.

Not that I would ever want to forget them.

Love you.
Mean it.

George Bailey, kindness, and karma

Here's the thing. I do believe in karma. But I don't believe in the hippie-dippie idea of karma. I don't believe in a grand force of checks and balances that rewards the good and punishes the bad. That seems too similar to a god-esque power. Like nearly every other part of my own belief system, my idea of karma is based on mankind or, more specifically, "what men do." To illustrate this point, let us consider the classic Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life."

If you haven't seen this movie, you really should. It's brilliant. It's often considered the greatest Christmas movie of all time. I'm not going to recount the entire synopsis here but here are some key points. George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) has spent his entire life sacrificing his dreams and his wants for the dreams and wants of others. He does this not because he's some altruistic, unrealistic saint. He does it because he's a good person and those close to him need help.

The antagonist is Old Man Potter, a banker who is motivated solely by self-interest. He is the antithesis of George in almost every conceivable way. Oh, and they're business rivals,  btw.

Anyway, George's uncle accidently misplaced the business's $8,000 while on his way to deposit it. Potter finds it and keeps it from the uncle. Because of this, George's business is going to go bankrupt. George is in such distress, he wishes he'd never been born. Then the main part of the movie happens where we see what life would've been like for the town & George's family if he'd never been born, yada, yada, yada.

Skip to the end. After George has his vision, he goes back home and is so happy to be alive. Then someone wonderful happens. When the people of the town found out that George was in trouble, they all flocked to his home to give him money so that his business wouldn't go under. He even gets a telegram from an old friend in London who's going to send him twenty-five thousand dollars. Towards the end of the commotion, George's brother comes in and makes a toast, "A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town."

What happened to George illustrates my belief in karma. George was a good person. He helped everyone he knew and he was kind to them in their time of need. When there came a time when he himself needed help, people were more than willing to come to his aid. This is what I mean by karma. When you are kind to people and help them when they need help, they will always remember that so when the time comes you need help, they will come running. If you are unkind, selfish, and take advantage of others, no one is going to be there for you when you need help.

This point is also illustrated in Doctor Who. In the last episode of series six, "The Wedding of River Song," the Doctor is going to die. Without giving away too many details, River Song explains something to him:

"I've been sending out a message. A distress call. Outside the bubble of our time. The universe is still turning and I've sent a message everywhere. To the future and the past, the beginning and the end of everything. 'The Doctor is dying. Please, please help.' Those reports of the sun spots and the solar flares. They're wrong. They're aren't any. It's not the sun. It's you. The sky is full of a million million voices, saying, 'Yes. Of course we'll help.' You've touched so many lives, saved so many people. Did you think when you're time came you'd really have to do more than just ask? You've decided that the universe is better of without you. But the universe doesn't agree."

This is beautiful to me. The Doctor has done so much to help so many people. And when he needed help, their answer was, "Yes. Of course we'll help." I've said this before several times but I do believe it is true, people remember kindnesses. People remember when someone helped them and when someone was kind to them. And when karma comes around and that kind person needs help, the reply from all those people whose lives were touched will always be, "Yes. Of course we'll help."

Love you.

Mean it.

Revised rules with an asterisk

Really super recently, I posted a revised set of rules. It took my previously posted set of rules and narrowed it down to just four. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized even then I hadn't covered everything. Now I believe I have a set of revised rules with an asterisk.

See, the thing is that I'm willing to break rules 1-3 if every a friend needed my help. I've written before about how much friendship means to me and what it means to be a friend. When I consider someone to be my friend, they receive fierce loyalty and unwavering trust. I guess that's why I chose my friends carefully.

That's why I'm so willing to do something stupid, be unkind, and lie if my friend needs me. I can remember very specific examples of doing all of those things because a friend needed me. I can remember doing all of them in a single night, in fact.

I will not, however, break a promise. Like I stated before, trust means everything to me and I'm not willing to break that trust with anyone.

But those other three rules, if my friend needs me, they kind of go out the door.
Cause that's what friends do.

Love you.
Mean it.

#104: When you look back at all of your exes, what do they all have in common?

You may recall a while ago, I  asked you all to pick which question I would answer next. I know I said I'd answer it in a few weeks but I never did. So this is me, finally getting around to it. Anyway, the question with the most votes was: When you look back at all of your exes, what do they all have in common?

When I look back at all my exes, first, I realize I have a lot to look back on. If we only count from high school on, I've dated the following guys (mostly in order with maybe a misplacement or two): Derrek, Alex, Jason, Kendall, Danny, Dan, Adam, Conrad, David, Andrew, Brian, Sage, Greg, Augustus, Nick, and Scott. I don't know if that's a lot comparatively but I suppose that doesn't matter. It is what it is.

Anyway, here are some of the things that my exes have had in common:

1. They have all been relatively laid-back.
Instances: Alex, Jason, Danny, Dan, Adam, Conrad, David, Brian, Sage, Greg, Augustus, and Scott.

In all honesty, all of my exes have been pretty laid-back. The names I left out weren't necessarily neurotic or anxious. They just weren't as laid back as the others.

I view myself as a mostly laid-back person. I don't like to get riled up. I hate complicated situations. And I'd much rather spend my weekend with friends watching a movie or hanging out than going out partying or clubbing.

I'm not attracted to guys who aren't laid-back. In my mind (which is probably a sexist assumption invented by our patriarchal society and embedded in my brain) the opposite of being laid-back is being high maintenance, a quality I would attribute to women more than men. However, since I don't see myself has being high maintenance, if my guy is more high maintenance than me, I feel like the guy in the relationship (which is one thing I hate).

2. They've all been able to make me laugh.
Instances: Alex, Jason, Conrad, David, Brian, Sage, Augustus, Nick, Scott.

I have always found a sense of humor to be very attractive. This is probably why a good part of my exes have been able to make me laugh. I can't stand to be around stiff, serious people. I like to be around people who can find the humor in about every situation.

3. They've all been relatively poor.
Instances: Alex, Jason, Adam, David, Andrew, Brian, Sage, Greg, Augustus, Nick, Scott.

The other day my friend asked me if I have ever dated a sugar daddy. I replied, "Are you kidding? I considered myself lucky if they guy I was dating had a job."

I've never dated a guy who had a ton of money. As a couple, we did everything on the cheap. I've never been showered with expensive gifts (or really gifts at all) or been taken out to nice restaurants. Which, honestly, is fine with me. I think it'd be weird to date someone who did those things.

4. They've all been passionate about something.
Instances: Everyone except Andrew

They guys I date usually have at least one passion. For some (in fact, a good amount) it was drumming. For others, it was art. For others, it was just being really super smart. Not being passionate about something  is what I would consider a deal breaker. I don't know what Andrew's problem was. He honestly wasn't passionate about anything. But he was a rebound off of a year & a half relationship so I cut myself some slack when it comes to him.

That's all the similarities I can think of for right now. If I remember any others, I'll be sure to let you know.

Love you.
Mean it.