Creature from the Awkward Lagoon

There was a time in my life when I was not only cool (a subjective term, yes, but trust me, I was) but I was also an excellent flirt. I had a way with guys that could get them to not only talk to me at that moment but want to talk to me in the future. It was pretty standard procedure: I talk to a guy, I'd flirt and be generally awesome, he'd ask for my number and we'd continue talking/flirting with each other on a later date.

But time has not been kind to Kelly Cannon. Imagine, if you will, a number line like the ones you had to use in high school math class. Now, the middle of this number line is 0. 0 represents a person who is not flirtatious but isn't weird or abnormal in anyway. The line extends to 5 on the right. 5 represents a normal flirtatious level. In the past, I would rate myself at a 7. Now, to the left of the 0 is the negative region. A -5 represents a general awkwardness. Today, I would rate myself at a good -6 on this figurative number line.

This means not only have I lost my ability to flirt properly, but I've also fallen into the realm of the awkward. Being the awkward creature that I am has the exact opposite outcome of being a good flirt. While guys would want to continue talking to me and go out of their way to continue to talk to me, now they seem to go out of their way to avoid talking to me.

I can say, in all honesty & with only a bit of embarrassment, I haven't been in a relationship in over two years. Not only this but I can't remember the last time I've been asked on a date. I've asked guys on dates, yes, but this is not the same thing. And while there can be several causes to this uncomfortable truth, I know that it is in part due to this unnatural level of awkwardness within me.

I don't know when I made the Jekyll/Hyde transformation from flirt to awkward specimen. But I am able to recognize my symptoms. When I'm around a guy I find attractive, I tend to talk. A lot. More than normal. More than is natural. Essentially, I just can't shut up. It's bad. And not only do I not shut up, I begin to talk about really, really esoteric subjects like the mythos of Cthulhu or the fact that goats have rectangular pupils and that weirds me out. Okay, so sometimes they're not so esoteric as they are just odd.

The trouble is that my mind seems to only function at one speed: a bazillion miles an hour. This means that at any given time I'm thinking about about 7-12 different things, making connections, drawing conclusions, etc. It's pretty normal for me to get really frustrated with conversations because it takes others longer to finish thinking about something I've already thought all the way through. This leads to my verbal diarrhea when encountering a cute boy to go off into seven different directions for no real reason and to bring up subjects both esoteric and odd.

Sometimes I can try to play this off by saying, "And I'm talking too much" and physically put my hands over my mouth. Some guys may find this cute and quirky. Or at least I hope they find it quirky... My dating life would say otherwise.

My inability to STFU around cute guys is probably due to just plain old nervousness. It's a tick I've somehow developed by becoming nervous around these guys. The fact I am nervous around these guys is baffling to me. I don't remember ever being nervous around guys when I was up to a 7 on the figurative number line of coolness. If I liked a guy, I would be cool & confident and generally awesome. Now, since I experience more failure in the dating world then I do success, it's made me not cool, not confident and generally awkward.

In discussions with friends, I've explained my undying desire to one day be called charming. I don't know when this life goal developed. All I know is I've wanted it for years, only succeeding once (this was a particularly wonderful experience because I was called "unwittingly charming," one of the nicest compliments I've ever received). However, it is my belief that awkwardness is the antithesis of charm & therefore it is extremely difficult for me to achieve.

I've had friends try to convince me that perhaps I can develop an awkward charm that people (guys in particular) would find endearing. Though I am dubious that this is possible, maybe it is the best I can hope for, to be awkwardly charming, because this awkwardness doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon.

Love you.
Mean it.

Things I thought I'd know by now, Part 2

Back in August of 2010, I made a list of things I thought I'd know by now. I reread it for some reason and I'm very proud to say that I have learned some stuff. Here's what I know:

#1–I do know what kind of information you need to exchange when you get in a car accident. I learned this by, well, getting in a car accident. Gaining knowledge is not always fun.

#3–I know how to change a tire. I learned this by getting a flat tire at the end of my shift at Pizza Hut and having Trevor and Adam come out and help me change it.

#8–I know now when to use 'who' & 'whom.' (Hint: it depends on whether or not you're using it as the subject or object of the sentence. Grammar rules!)

#7–I know how to pick a good pineapple (Hint: pull one of the leafy things from the middle at the top. If it comes out easily, it's ripe). (Shout out to Davey Morrison Dillard for his help on that one).

#9–I know when to use 'effect' and 'affect.' (Hint: effect = noun; affect = verb). (Shout out to Davey Morrison Dillard for help on that one.)

So those are the things I now know from that list. I have also learned a few things just by, you know, living:

1. I know how the game of baseball works, the history of the sport, and a lot of the slang involved in the game.
2. I know that Joan Crawford & Bette Davis hated each other.
3. I know how to cut a pineapple (Hint: howtocutapineapple.com)
4. I know how to care for a tattoo.
5. I know how to give a little child eye drops/ear drops (Hint: wrap them up in a blanket and sit on them.)
6. I know how to check to see if there's going to be frost on your car in the morning
7. I know how to use twitter (follow me @mskellycannon)
8. I know a lot about feminist film theory
9. I know how to tell a convincing lie.
10. I know what the Doppler effect is.
11. I know what Schrödinger's cat is.
12. I know when it's okay to run a yellow light (in the legal sense).
13. I know how to take decent photos.
14. I know how to write a resume & cover letter
15. I know how a zollying shot is taken in the movies.

However, I've found there are plenty of other things I thought I'd know by now that I really don't. Here are just a sample of my new quandaries.

1. How to buy/rent an apartment in another state.
2. What's the difference between a good bourbon and a cheap bourbon (i.e. what's the difference between Maker's Mark and Old Crow?)
3. How to curl my hair with a curling iron
4. How to shave my legs so that they stay smooth longer
5. Whether I prefer salted or unsalted butter
6. How a combustible engine works
7. How a microwave works
8. How often one should change their sheets
9. What are good qualities to look for in a diamond
10. How to properly choose make up that's appropriate for my skin tone, etc.
11. How early is too early for a job interview
12. How to polish silver
13. How wrestling is scored
14. How crayons are made

I guess I don't have much to complain about. I mean, this is kind of what life is about, learning new things and then realizing there's so much more I don't understand about the world around me. It's depressing and exciting at the same time.

Oh, and I still don't know how much it costs to get something dry cleaned.

Love you.
Mean it.

20 things I learned in 2011

1. Always trust your gut. 
2. Be kind. People remember kindnesses. 
3. First impressions are not always right. But neither are second impressions, third impressions, nor fourth impressions. Sometimes you can be completely wrong about someone. 
4. It's a small world and will continually get smaller. 
5. After receiving rejection, take the rest of the day to get all the disappointment, frustration, self-loathing, etc. out & done with so tomorrow you can begin your attack once again. 
6. If you're unhappy alone, being with someone isn't going to change that.
7. Figure out what you believe in and then believe in it heart & soul. 
8. Your actions should always reflect what you believe in. 
9. Sometimes things work out. Other times things get a lot worse. And most of the time, there's nothing you can do to ever change that. 
10. Parents are a never-ending source of love and support. They will always, always be there for you, even if you don't want them to be. 
11. Friends are one of life's greatest gifts. Never give them up without a fight. 
12.  Sometimes avoiding something is more agonizing than actually confronting your problem. 
13. Don't let assholes ruin your day. 
14. You never have to do anything you don't want to do. It is your life and you get to make the decisions. However, you don't have a choice when it comes to the consequences of your decisions. You have to deal with those. 
15. The most awful day in the world can seem a million times better by coming home and having a dog run and jump into your arms. 
16. It is nearly essential for people to have that one friend whom you can trust & rely on. Knowing someone is close who cares keeps you sane. 
17. Sometimes the most powerful things you can say should never be shouted. 
18. Believe in yourself. Sometimes you are all you've got. 
19. Embrace every aspect of yourself. It's the combination of every last detail of yourself that people fall in love with every day. Never be ashamed of that. 
20. Live your life in a way that you feel like you're falling in love every time you wake up. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

#107: How do you define family?

The concept of family is one that has always been very important to me. I guess being raised in a religious household where the importance of family is always heavily emphasized has had a lasting effect on me. But like my definition of home, my definition of family extends way beyond the traditional sense of the word.

To me, family is a group of people who support you, endure with you (sometimes endure you), who will fight for you, stand by your side no matter what, and, most importantly, who will love you no matter what. They want you to be happy and will support you in your journey to happiness. Family gives you a place to stay when you have nowhere else to go. Family will listen to you when you need to get all the badness out of you. And all of these qualities are unconditional. They are there because you are family.

At the same time, family is there to give you a good swift kick in the ass because, damnit, you needed one. Family is there to shake you out of your self-pity-party and get you back on your feet. They were there for you when you needed comfort and empathy but they're also there when you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. They love you and sometimes, they need to supply tough love.

I want to point out that when I began this definition, I said, "family is a group of people..." To me, family can extend far beyond the reaches of your bloodline. You've heard people describe some of their friends as being "like family." To me, they are one in the same. I have had plenty of people in my life who have fulfilled the aforementioned qualities who were not related to me at all. Those people I would label family. I wouldn't necessarily label them as a brother or a sister or a specific family title but just the all-encompassing label of family.

And just like my definition of home, it's something that is always changing. Just like home is where you feel like you belong, family is also a place where you should feel like you belong.

If all of this is true, I have a considerably large family. And I consider myself very blessed.

Love you.
Mean it.

#108: If you wrote a book, what would be on the dedication page?

To my parents, Rex & Camille Cannon
for the non-stop love, patience, and kindness,
for believing in me even when I didn't,
and for putting up with me over all these years.

Love you.
Mean it.

Remember the best.

Two nights ago, I went out for coffee with three friends.
These friends represented three very different parts of my life.

First, there was Ashley, my best friend from high school. We'd been through so much together. We played Helena & Hermia in "Midsummer Night's Dream" our senior year. We had bonded up at Rock Canyon park after our mutual friend's wedding when we finally admitted to each other that we had our doubts about the church. I had been her winglady & protector. She had been my cheerleader & comfort. We had so many memories, inside jokes, stories together.

Then there was Sean, my Numero Uno. He was my rock back in Cedar City. He was there for me on the worst day of my life. He let me crash on his couch when I needed to come back "home." He listened to me and trust my judgment when he needed help. He was there for me when no one else was. He was my last remaining connection to Cedar City, to the life I knew I could never get back.

Finally, there was Jeff, my old assistant and my only real friend within 200 miles. He's the only guy who not only could keep up with me but wouldn't let me get away with anything. He'd call me out on my shit and I'd have to backtrack my statements. He's the only one I trust enough with my biggest secret and even though he let it slip just one time, I still trust him because I know he's good for it. He's the one I come to now for help or advice or just when I need someone to talk to.

It was odd to see these three people together. It was almost the sum total of my adult life was represented before me in the stories associated with these three people. Each one reminded me of a time and place that I once belonged to.

There's this brilliant quote from Doctor Who that says, "However dark it got, I'd turn around and there they'd be. If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me." I believe this is true for me. My friends have always, always been the best part of my life and even when time goes by & I lose touch, it doesn't mean that their friendship, their influence still doesn't effect me. It's a constant thing. A good friend isn't easily forgotten.

Not that I would ever want to forget them.

Love you.
Mean it.

George Bailey, kindness, and karma

Here's the thing. I do believe in karma. But I don't believe in the hippie-dippie idea of karma. I don't believe in a grand force of checks and balances that rewards the good and punishes the bad. That seems too similar to a god-esque power. Like nearly every other part of my own belief system, my idea of karma is based on mankind or, more specifically, "what men do." To illustrate this point, let us consider the classic Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life."

If you haven't seen this movie, you really should. It's brilliant. It's often considered the greatest Christmas movie of all time. I'm not going to recount the entire synopsis here but here are some key points. George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) has spent his entire life sacrificing his dreams and his wants for the dreams and wants of others. He does this not because he's some altruistic, unrealistic saint. He does it because he's a good person and those close to him need help.

The antagonist is Old Man Potter, a banker who is motivated solely by self-interest. He is the antithesis of George in almost every conceivable way. Oh, and they're business rivals,  btw.

Anyway, George's uncle accidently misplaced the business's $8,000 while on his way to deposit it. Potter finds it and keeps it from the uncle. Because of this, George's business is going to go bankrupt. George is in such distress, he wishes he'd never been born. Then the main part of the movie happens where we see what life would've been like for the town & George's family if he'd never been born, yada, yada, yada.

Skip to the end. After George has his vision, he goes back home and is so happy to be alive. Then someone wonderful happens. When the people of the town found out that George was in trouble, they all flocked to his home to give him money so that his business wouldn't go under. He even gets a telegram from an old friend in London who's going to send him twenty-five thousand dollars. Towards the end of the commotion, George's brother comes in and makes a toast, "A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town."

What happened to George illustrates my belief in karma. George was a good person. He helped everyone he knew and he was kind to them in their time of need. When there came a time when he himself needed help, people were more than willing to come to his aid. This is what I mean by karma. When you are kind to people and help them when they need help, they will always remember that so when the time comes you need help, they will come running. If you are unkind, selfish, and take advantage of others, no one is going to be there for you when you need help.

This point is also illustrated in Doctor Who. In the last episode of series six, "The Wedding of River Song," the Doctor is going to die. Without giving away too many details, River Song explains something to him:

"I've been sending out a message. A distress call. Outside the bubble of our time. The universe is still turning and I've sent a message everywhere. To the future and the past, the beginning and the end of everything. 'The Doctor is dying. Please, please help.' Those reports of the sun spots and the solar flares. They're wrong. They're aren't any. It's not the sun. It's you. The sky is full of a million million voices, saying, 'Yes. Of course we'll help.' You've touched so many lives, saved so many people. Did you think when you're time came you'd really have to do more than just ask? You've decided that the universe is better of without you. But the universe doesn't agree."

This is beautiful to me. The Doctor has done so much to help so many people. And when he needed help, their answer was, "Yes. Of course we'll help." I've said this before several times but I do believe it is true, people remember kindnesses. People remember when someone helped them and when someone was kind to them. And when karma comes around and that kind person needs help, the reply from all those people whose lives were touched will always be, "Yes. Of course we'll help."

Love you.

Mean it.