Make a Liar

"You think you're so goddamn special, so different from the rest of us. But you're not," she said, leaning against the kitchen counter. Her white legs shone in the darkness, bare underneath the old dark t-shirt three times her size. It had belong to one of her past lovers, long forgotten. She folded her arms across her chest as he walked toward her, the dried mud caked on his boots flaking off, leaving a trail she'll have to clean up later.  Her dark curly hair, crazed from the humidity fell haphazardly past her shoulders. Her dark eyes never left him as he walked to the side of her to open a cupboard. "You're just as afraid as the rest of us," she said. "You're no goddamn better."

He pulled out a pint sized mason jar out of the cupboard, not finding any clean glasses. "Alright. What am I afraid of, my dear?" he asked without looking at her. He filled the jar half full with the cheap whiskey he knew she hated. "You're afraid of getting hurt," she said trying to catch his eye. He scratched his face, itchy with three days worth of growth and took a swig. The whiskey burned the whole way down, hitting his gut with that familiar lurch. He turned to her, looking her in the eye.

"I promised I'd never hurt you. But darlin', you're fixing to make a liar out of me."

Love you.
Mean it.

Lost in the Infinity

Our necks craned almost uncomfortable
feeling small against the million tiny lights
that traveled lifetimes for us to see
some now non-existant,
their light just an echo

I can feel their weight pressing down on me
and I feel lost in the infinity,
afraid "of all that never ends."

And all he did
was take my hand in the darkness
conveying in that simple gesture
the same fear of the unknown
but trust in what we have now

And with two smiles
silent in the darkness
we knew.

If we are destined to one day
be lost in that same infinity
we will not have to wander alone.

Satan Isn't Real

Recently someone asked me if I believed in the existence of satan. I have explained before my view on who/what god is. With this idea of god, I do not believe in satan. To me, satan is a creation of man to help explain why people do "evil" things. The idea of this powerful evil being who whispers in the ears of man, tempting him to do bad things is just preposterous. If god isn't there to lay out what is "good," how can there be a satan to tempt man to do "bad?"

I feel that the idea of satan was created as a strange comfort to man in the sense it made satan the cause of evil instead of man. I believe all the evil in this world (and goodness for that matter) comes from man and man alone. This is an uncomfortable thought for many people. They do not want to believe that evil comes from them, that they are solely responsible for that evil. They created the idea of satan as a scapegoat of sorts.

However, my disbelief in satan does not mean I do not believe in evil spirits or forces. I've mentioned this before that I do believe in the existence of evil spirits who were so evil in this world that they must endure extreme pain, agony, and fear on this Earth before they continue on to the suffering of hell. I do not believe these spirits can harm people; they no longer have that power. But people can feel their presence and the evil that still lingers there.

I hope that makes sense. I'm somewhat in a rush to finish. I'm going camping with my family and I needed to leave about 40 minutes ago. Oh, well.

Love you.
Mean it.

My Night in Feminist Hell

Last night, I was in feminist hell.

As part of my duties as the Life Editor of the UVU Review, I traveled up to the Capital Theatre in downtown Salt Lake City to watch one of the preliminary rounds of the 75th Annual Miss Utah Scholarship Pageant. Our school was being represented by Miss Danica Olsen and, while I may be morally opposed to pageants or any form of female objectification for that matter, it's a good story for the paper and deserves proper coverage. I had already written a preview piece of sorts on Danica's preparations for the pageant, which can be read here. My fellow coworkers at the Review know how hard it was for me to write the piece because of my moral objections. I had a feeling that covering the actual Miss Utah pageant was going to be a bit harder than I liked.

I walked into the lobby of the theater and checked in at the press table. I received my comp ticket, my nifty press pass (which gained me access backstage) and a Miss Utah press kit. I have to admit, I felt really legit by this point. This was the first time I had ever received a press pass to any event. I felt so grow up, like a real journalist. I was accompanied by my trusty photographer, Connor Allen (possibly Allan?), who also received a press pass.

We walked down into the theater and found our seats right on the front row. We had a few minutes before the show actually began so I sifted through the contents of the press kit. Apparently saving the trees isn't a huge deal to the Miss Utah pageant because the kit contained 24 pages of information, some printed on both sides. Here's a list of what was inside:

• Profiles of the seven judges
• A press schedule (this would've been handy last week...)
• 2011 press conference schedule (again, last week would've been better...)
• A list of past Miss Utahs who will be attending the various events throughout the week (there are 19 listed)
• A schedule of events for the 2011 Miss Utah Pageant
• A schedule of events and which ones will be attended by the current Miss Utah and Miss America.
• A break down of what the "Show Me Your Shoes" event is. 
• A PR release explaining the Child Protection Registry, the Miss Utah charity thing
• A PR release about the Little Miss Utah day of service. 
• A PR release from when the current Miss Utah, Christina Lowe, was named a semi-finalist at Miss America back in January
• A break down of the 50 contestants into three groups (labeled Mu, Alpha, and Sigma for some unknown reason)
• A list of all 50 contestants sorted by school
• A list of all 50 contestants sorted by number (each contestant is given a number; Danica Olsen's number is 30)
• A short bio on the current Miss Utah, Christina Lowe
• A short bio on the current Miss America, Teresa Scanlan (she's 18 years old!)
• A PR release from last year when Christina Lowe was crowned Miss Utah
• A PR release from last year when Teresa Scanlan was crowned Miss America
• A list of media sources that have produced either TV or print material on Christina Lowe while she's been Miss Utah (included was the UVU Review! One of those was my article! Read it here!)
• A list of the 2011 Miss Utah Sponsors
• Key Facts & Figures about the Miss Utah Organization & Pageant
• A list of important dates in Miss Utah & Miss America History (Only 2 Miss Utahs have won Miss America, Colleen Kay Hutchins in 1951 and Sharlene Wells in 1984)
• A break down of the judge's process
• A list of all the Miss Utahs since the pageant started in 1926
• And finally, a list of all the awards and prizes to be given out.

Yeah, they killed lots of trees to give me a bunch of information I really don't care about and if I needed to know, could've found on the internet. 

Anyway, the lights soon went down and the pageant started. With Christina Lowe singing with the MC, a Mr. Johnny Revill(?), the 50 contestants came strutting out, each group wearing a different color of the same style of dress. The dresses were ridiculously tight wrap dresses that had different cuts but the same look. As these women paraded around in their skin tight dresses, bouncy curled hair, high heels, and plastered smiles that never faltered throughout the course of the evening, I slouched in my chair and pressed my fingers to my temples in an effort to stave off the headache I knew was coming. All I could think was, "This is so wrong..." These women not only represented female objectification at its worst but also seemed to reveal in it. They know they are on display and they love it. Most seemed to carry this air of superiority, knowing they are hot shit and because of that, can get whatever or whoever they want. Very few of them seemed genuine and none of them seemed like the type I'd want to be friends with, or even spend a small amount of time with.

These contestants would strike poses to the music, some giving off a look and aura that seemed better suited for the inside of GQ or Maxim magazine. Every now and then you could tell a girl messed up on the routine because her eyes and her smile would grow even wider in a split second of panic before recovering and continuing. That was enjoyable for me, not because I wanted them to fail but because I saw something real at that moment. 

The way these preliminary rounds are set up is one group will do the swimsuit part, one will do talent, and one will do evening wear and onstage question. Then they will rotate on the next night and the next. The final night is on Saturday where I'm sure they narrow it down to 10 contestants who do all of it all over again. 

The next even was the Lifestyles and Fitness section, also known as swimwear. The MC stated that the purpose of this part of the pageant is to show how these women are healthy physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I'm sorry. How is parading around in a swimsuit supposed to show the intellectual side of these women? Not to mention, some of these girls looked scary thin. That can't be physically healthy. However, I will say that one contestant, who was a bigger curvier woman, rocked the hell out of her green bikini. She was not fat by any stretch of the imagination. She had a big chest and big curves. But there was not even a trace of self-doubt or self consciousness from her. While the rest of the women looked like they could snap in half with their bottom ribs jutting out against their tight skin, this woman represented to me what it means to be physically & emotionally healthy. She knows she is curvy but she doesn't care. She knows she's beautiful and she doesn't have to conform to what society deems as beautiful. I wanted to stand up and shout, "You go, girl!" But then I remembered I wasn't in the 1990's so I stayed seated. 

The talent section consisted of three types of talents: dance, vocal, or piano, and the dancing consisted of all ballet except for one. Some of the girls' singing was beautiful until they'd try to hit that one high note and just couldn't do it. It made me squirm in my seat. However, one girl who played the piano was phenomenal. I was really impressed with her performance. Not to mention, she really looked like she really loved to play. It was magical to watch her face and her whole body move and change with the music. It was beautiful. 

Of the interview part, I will only say this: fake, fake, fake. These women put out so much crap, half the time never actually answering the questions but just saying stuff that would make them feel good. However, I will say Miss American Fork and Miss Pleasant Grove gave the best answers of the evening because they were immediate, honest, and really showed us who they were as individuals. They were real and by that point in the evening, it was refreshing. 

The evening wear part took way too long and consisted of these women walking around the stage in what looked like a figure 8 pattern at a painfully slow pace. Even the audience, who were full of whoops and hollers the entire night grew weary by the end of it. 

It was at this point I realized why I hate these pageants so much. They are based upon these women parading around in gorgeous attire and big fake smiles. They are scored on their presentation, by how they look. It's all so fake. Every conversation I've ever had with a contestant at one of these pageants is dripping with PR-esque crap. Just like the interview questions, they never really answer honestly but rather say a bunch of stuff that makes them look good. I know it's not real. The readers of my articles know it's not real. I don't get why they do it. They are always on display, never letting down their facade of perfection. It completely reinforces this idea that when it comes to pageants, it doesn't matter who you are or what you do as long as you look good, as long as you look perfect while on display. 

And yet those involved claim pageants make these women better people, that it teaches them it's more important who you are than what you look like on display. It's a giant contradiction, an oxymoron in high heels and lipstick. 

But, unfortunately, I can't express any of these feelings in my article. I need to stick to "just the facts" and while I may consider pageants as an archaic display of female objectification as a legitimate fact, it wouldn't hold up under scrutiny. Thank god for this blog then. Here is where I will always tell you the truth as I see it. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

Pick the Next Question I Answer

From time to time, I answer certain questions here at Love You. Mean it. I've always picked the questions at random but now I'm handing the power over to all of you. Vote which question you want me to answer and around mid-July I will answer it. Simple, eh?

Which Question Should I Answer Next?
	What was the best gift you ever received?
	What is your favorite book?
	What is your most prized possession?
	What was the best decision you made in high school?
	Whats your favorite word?
	What always makes you laugh no matter what?
	What is something you believe in even though you know its silly to?
	If you could design your own personal heaven, what would it be?
	If you could imagine your own private hell, what would it be?
	Who was your first love?
	Who was your first crush?
	Who was your first date?
	What town do you consider to be your hometown and what are your feelings toward that town?
	What is something that most people would consider to be somewhat trivial but drives you insane or ge
	What is your dream job?
	Who is your favorite film director?
	If you were given the assignment to become obsessed with something, what would it be?
	If you could write a letter to any famous person, living or dead, and they would respond to it, to w
	What is your favorite physical feature on yourself?
	What music do you listen to if you want to get psyched up?
	What was your proudest moment?
	What was the most terrifying experience of your life?
	What would you consider to be your theme song?
	What do you believe is the purpose of everything?
	What do you never leave home without?
	When it comes to people you date, what is a dealbreaker?
	When you look back at all of your exes, what do they all have in common?
	What would you do if you had a ton of money?
	What was the first concert you went to?
	How do you define family?
pollcode.com free polls

Love you.
Mean it.

What I Have Going

When I die, let it be written on my tombstone, "Above everything else, she was a good friend."

Love you.
Mean it.

That Same Sweetness

I honestly don't know what's caused this change in you. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It's just odd to see someone who is normally so angry and self-focused to suddenly express concern and sweetness toward me.

It reminds me of that night when I really got to know you for the first time. I saw that sweetness, that tenderness in you. In the days, weeks, and months to come, it disappeared, leaving me to think maybe I had imagined it. It's good to see it again, even if its unexplainable presence baffles me.

Maybe you remembered all those times I was there for you when you were having a rough go, even when you didn't want me to be. Maybe you figured it was time to return the favor.

Maybe you realized good friendship is hard to come by & one like mine doesn't happen often.

Well, whatever the reason, thanks.

Don't ever change.

Love you.
Mean it.