I'll See You When I See You, Part Two: A Promise Kept

I didn't really expect it to happen. I mean, I hoped it would happen. I wanted it to happen. But I didn't believe it would. It made it less painful when it didn't.

But then, out of the blue, I get a message. He would be passing through town soon and he wanted to see me.

Before he left nearly a year ago, we talked about that old expression, "I'll see you when I see you." It was all we could say to each other when the time came to say goodbye. What else was there to say? Those stupid words filled me with such sadness. It encompassed that naive hope of youth that people can stay close despite the fact they leave with the cynicism of adulthood knowing the odds are stacked against them.

He saw it differently. He saw it as almost a promise. We would see each other again, even if he didn't know how long it would take. I wanted to believe him but in my heart I knew it was a long shot.

But I looked up and suddenly there he was. And just looking at him made me feel as if nothing had changed. He had the same blond hair, the same pale blue eyes, the same broad smile. I threw my arms around him as he whispered in my ear, "I told you I'd see you again." We talked about what was going on in my life and what was going on in his. He asked me how much longer until I could get out of this place. I lamented of my extremely poor status despite working three jobs and said it's still very much in the future.

After not nearly long enough, he had to leave and I had to get back to work. I hugged him tight and he held on so fiercely. We stepped back and he smiled that same smile. "I'll see you when I see you," he said. I laughed and repeated the phrase back. It's the same seven words but this time, I'm counting on them. And I can't wait to see him again.

Love you.
Mean it.

That's how we'll live forever, my love.

but I do believe in you
and the love we will one day have.
I believe in that so fiercely.

I believe in the nights we will have
tangled in the sheets,
laughing till the sunlight seeps into our room,
in the fights and forgiveness we'll share,
in the terror of parenthood,
and the joy of welcoming another into our love.

I believe in our love lasting till we're old and broken
and the last kiss we'll share
before whatever comes next takes one of us away.
And I believe that our love will be passed
from our children to their children to their children
and that's how we'll live forever, my love.

Please save me from the monsters

I sometimes send out late night texts to certain people. I'm sure everyone has done something similar. We do it for various reasons. Me? I'm just looking for someone to talk to, even if it's through communication's most empty form.

I hate the night. Facing nights alone is almost unbearable.

When you were really little, you believed monsters came out at night. Monsters always come out in the dark. That's why you were so afraid of the dark. When you got older, you stopped believing that because you were too old to believe in monsters anymore.

When you reach adulthood, you realized monsters are indeed real and they do come out at night. But they aren't the gouls & demons in physical form that frightened you as a child. No. They are the thoughts that haunt you, torment you, those memories you can't seem to forget. The reality of your mortality is a monster, as is the knowledge of your loneliness and the fear of insanity.

So when I reach out & send those texts late at night, no matter what I write, I'm only saying one thing: Please save me from the monsters.

I lost a friend tonight

I lost a friend tonight.

I guess his girlfriend used his phone while he was asleep
to instruct me to never talk to him again.
I didn't argue with her.
What could I say?
It's not my place to come between him and her.
So I agreed to her terms,
put down my phone,
and burst into tears.

Lessons from Doctor Who

If you didn't know already, I am a huge fan of Doctor Who. It's a freaking brilliant television show. The other day, I was chatting with my dear friend Joe (who is the guy who first introduced me to Doctor Who) and we were discussing tattoos and how I really want a Doctor Who quote tattooed on me somewhere. The only trouble is there are so many great quotes from Doctor Who that I'm not sure I could pick just one.

The thing is Doctor Who provides a lot of really great lessons/ideas/whatever you want to call them and I'm convinced if people watched Doctor Who and took those lessons/ideas/whatever to heart, I think (cliche aside) the world would be better. So here are some quotes from Doctor Who that have inspired me the most (and some I just like for the hell of it).


Can it be that I have the world entirely wrong?

Not wrong. There's just more to learn.

–Charles Dickens & The Doctor, "The Unquiet Dead"

1941. Right now, not very far from here, the German war machine is rolling up the map of Europe. Country after country, falling like dominoes. Nothing can stop it, nothing. Until one tiny, damp little island says "No. No, not here." A mouse in front of a lion. You're amazing, the lot of you. I don't know what you did to Hitler, but you frighten the hell out of me.

–The Doctor, "The Empty Child"

Then prove yourself, Doctor! What are you? Coward, or killer?
Coward. Any day.

–Dalek Emperor & The Doctor, "The Parting of Ways" 

The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it's a world or a relationship, everything has its time. And everything ends.

–Sarah Jane, "School Reunion"

Some things are worth getting your heart broken for.

–Sarah Jane, "School Reunion"

Don't worry Reinette, it's just a nightmare. Everyone has nightmares; even big scary monsters from under the bed have nightmares, don't you, monster?
What do monsters have nightmares about?
Me! Ha!

–The Doctor & Reinette, "The Girl in the Fireplace"

What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective!

–Mickey & The Doctor, "The Girl in the Fireplace"

One may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel.

–Reinette, "The Girl in the Fireplace"

They're people.
They were. 'Til they had all their humanity taken away. It's a living brain jammed inside a cybernetic body. With a heart of steel. All emotions removed.
Why no emotion?
Because it hurts.

–Rose & The Doctor, "Rise of the Cybermen"

How do we do that?
Oh, I'll think of something.
You're just making this up as you go along.
Yep. But I do it brilliantly.

–Mickey & The Doctor, "The Age of Steel"

But if this is the original, does that make it real? Does that make it the actual Devil?
Well, if that's what you want to believe. Maybe that's what the Devil is in the end: an idea.

–Ida & The Doctor, "The Satan Pit"

I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be gods. Out of all that, out of that whole pantheon, if I believe in one thing–just one thing–I believe in her.

–The Doctor, "The Satan Pit"

I believe I haven't seen everything, I don't know. It's funny, isn't it? The things you make up—the rules. If that thing had said it came from beyond the universe I'd believe it, but before the universe... that's impossible. It doesn't fit in my rules. Still, that's why I keep traveling. To be proved wrong.

–The Doctor, "The Satan Pit"

So, there you go. Turns out I've had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. Sometimes, well, I can't tell the difference. They're all the same thing. They're just me.

–Elton, "Love & Monsters"

When you're a kid, they tell you it's all "Grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid," and that's it.But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder...And so much better.

–Elton, "Love & Monsters"

Doctor, they've got guns.
And I haven't. Which makes me the better person, don't you think? They can shoot me dead but the moral high ground is mine.

–Rose & The Doctor, "Army of Ghosts"

You are proof...That emotions destroy.
Yeah, I am. Mind you, I quite like hope. Hope's a good emotion.

-Cyberman & The Doctor, "Doomsday"

You step on a butterfly, you change the human race.
Then don't step on any butterflies. What do you have against butterflies?

–Martha & The Doctor, "The Shakespeare Code"

Some people live more in twenty years than others do in eighty. It's not the time that matters, it's the person.

–The Doctor, "The Lazarus Experiment" 

There's no such thing as an ordinary human.
–The Doctor, "The Lazarus Experiment"

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect. But actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey... stuff.

–The Doctor, "Blink"

Mankind doesn't need warfare and bloodshed to prove itself. Everyday life can provide honour and valour. Let's hope that from now on this country can find its heroes in smaller places. In the most ordinary of deeds.

–John Smith (The Doctor), "Human Nature"

Name?
General Staal of the Tenth Sontaran Battle Fleet. "Staal The Undefeated!"
Oh that's no good. What if you get defeated? "Staal The Not-Quite-So-Undefeated-Any-More-But-Never-Mind?"

–The Doctor & General Stall, "The Sontaran Stratagem" 

We always have a choice.

–The Doctor, "The Doctor's Daughter"

You want weapons? We're in a library! Books! The best weapons in the world!

–The Doctor, "Silence in the Library"

I never land on Sundays. Sundays are boring.

–The Doctor, "Silence in the Library"

I'm not scared.

'Course you're not! You're not afraid of anything. Box falls out of the sky, man falls out of the box, man eats fish custard. And look at you, just sitting there. So you know what I think.
What?
Must be a hell of a scary crack in your wall.

–Amelia & The Doctor, "The Eleventh Hour"

One little girl crying. So?
Crying silently. i mean children cry because they want attention. 'Cause they're hurt or afraid. When they cry silently it's 'cause they just can't stop.

–Amy & The Doctor, "The Beast Below"

What are you going to do?
What I always do. Stay out of trouble. Badly.

–Amy & The Doctor, "The Beast Below"

Now then. Rory. We need to talk about your fiancée. She tried to kiss me. Tell you what though, you're a lucky man. She's a great kisser...Funny how you can say something in your head and it sounds fine.

–The Doctor, "Vampires of Venice"

Anywhere you want. Any time you want. One condition: it has to be amazing.

–The Doctor, "Vampires of Venice"

That's the one thing that doesn't make sense. Let's go poke it with a stick.

–The Doctor, "Amy's Choice"

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

–The Doctor, "The Hungry Earth"

Lovely place to grow up 'round here.
I suppose. I want to live in the city one day. As soon as I'm old enough I'll be off.
I was the same way where I grew up.
Did you get away?
Yeah...
Do you ever miss it?
So much.

–The Doctor & Elliot, "The Hungry Earth"

Have you met monsters before?

Yeah.
Are you scared of them?
No. They're scared of me.

Elliot & The Doctor, "The Hungry Earth"

You know, it seems to me there's so much more to the world than the average eye's allowed to see. I believe, if you look hard, there are more wonders in this universe than you could ever have dreamed of.

–Vincent Van Gogh, "Vincent and the Doctor"

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa. The bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. And we definitely added to his pile of good things.

–The Doctor, "Vincent and the Doctor"

Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?

They never really stop.

–Craig & The Doctor, "The Lodger"

Never ignore a coincidence. Unless you're busy. In which case always ignore a coincidence.

–The Doctor, "The Pandorica Opens"

People fall out of the world sometimes but they always leave traces. Little things we can't quite account for. Faces in photographs. Luggage. Half-eaten meals. Rings. Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered it can come back.

–The Doctor, "The Pandorica Opens"

The Universe is big. It's vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes—very rarely—impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.

–The Doctor, "The Pandorica Opens"

Your girlfriend isn't more important than the whole universe.

She is to me!

–The Doctor & Rory, "The Big Bang"

You'll remember me a little. I'll be a story in your head. That's okay. We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? 'Cause it was, you know. It was the best.

–The Doctor, "The Big Bang"

I hate you.
No you don't.

–River Song & The Doctor, "The Impossible Astronaut"

Yeah, right. Cursed. It's big with humans. It means bad things are happening but you can't be bothered to find an explanation.

–The Doctor, "The Curse of the Black Spot"

Biting's excellent! It's like kissing. Only there's a winner.

–Idris, "The Doctor's Wife"

You want to be forgiven.

Don't we all?

–Amy & The Doctor, "The Doctor's Wife"

Then you stole me. And I stole you.
I borrowed you.
Borrowing implies the eventual intention to return the thing that was taken. What makes you think I would ever give you back?

–Idris & The Doctor, "The Doctor's Wife"

Okay, right. I don't... I really don't know what to do. That's a new feeling.

–The Doctor, "The Doctor's Wife"

You didn't always take me where I wanted to go.
No, but I always took you where you needed to go.

–The Doctor & Idris, "The Doctor's Wife"

Look at you pair. It's always you and her isn't it? Long after the rest of us have gone. A boy and his box off to see the universe.
Well, you say that as if it's a bad thing. But honestly it's the best thing there is.

–Amy & The Doctor, "The Doctor's Wife"

Yes, it's insane. And it's about to get even more insaner. Is that a word?

–The Doctor, "The Rebel Flesh"

Doctor I am frightened. I'm properly, properly scared.

Don't be. Hold on. We're coming for you, I swear. Whatever happens, however hard, however far, we will find you.

–Amy & The Doctor, "The Almost People"

The anger of a good man is not a problem. Good men have too many rules.
Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.

Madame Kovarium & The Doctor, "A Good Man Goes to War"

My whole brain just went "What the hell."

–The Doctor, "A Christmas Carol"

Oh, you should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you. Rule 408.

–The Doctor, "Let's Kill Hitler"

Don't run. Now I know you're scared. But never run when you're scared. Rule 7. Please.

–The Doctor, "Let's Kill Hitler"

That's what it's called. Pantophobia. Not fear of pants though, if that's what you're thinking. It's the fear of everything. Including pants, I suppose. In that case... Sorry. go on.

–The Doctor, "Night Terrors"

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.

–Amy, "The Girl Who Waited"

It goes up, tiddly up! It goes down, diddly down. For only £49.99, which I personally think is a bit steep. But then again, it's your parent's cash and they'll only waste it on boring stuff like lamps and vegetables. Yawn!

–The Doctor, "Closing Time"

Doctor, are you going to kiss me?
Yes, Craig. Yes I am. Would you like that? Bit out of practice but I've had some wonderful feedback.

–Craig & The Doctor, "Closing Time"

Yeah, you always win. You always survive.
Those were the days.

–Craig & The Doctor, "Closing Time"

You could be anything. You could walk amongst the stars. They don't actually look like that you know. They're a lot more impressive.You know when I was little like you I dreamt of the stars. Yeah. I think it's fair to say, in the language of your age, that I lived my dream. I owned the stage. Gave it a hundred and ten percent. I hope you have as much fun as I did, Alfie.

–The Doctor, "Closing Time"

You went back in time. That means you used up your hours. what about Exidor?
What about you being in trouble with Sophie when she comes back? I couldn't let that happen.
You used up your time for me?
Of course I did. You're me mate.

–Craig & The Doctor, "Closing Time"

You mentioned a woman.
Yes. I'm getting to her.
What's she like? Attractive, I assume.
Hell. In high heels.

–Winston Churchill & The Doctor, "The Wedding of River Song"

Why would you do this? Of all the things you've told me, this I find hardest to believe. Why? To invite your friends to see your death?
I had to die. I didn't have to die alone.

–Winston Churchill & The Doctor, "The Wedding of River Song"

However dark it got, I'd turn around an there they'd be. If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.

–The Doctor, "The Wedding of River Song"

And you are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven.

–The Doctor, "The Wedding of River Song"

Love you.

Mean it.

Atheism and religious music

I am an atheist. I don't believe in god, a higher power, some mystic energy, or anything like that. My view of the world is based on the idea of "what men do," meaning that everything in this existence, both good and bad, is the result of mankind and mankind only.

That being said, some of the most beautiful music I have ever enjoyed has been religious music. Most of my life, this didn't bother me since I was somewhat religious, if very bad at it. Yesterday at my sister's high school graduation, the choir sang two songs that are religious. I sang them at my graduation when I was in the choir. They are beautiful songs. But I began to think about their lyrics for the first time from an atheist perspective. As I've stated before, I listen to music mostly for the lyrics. And now that the lyrics from religious songs are no longer relevant to me (or worse, they say the exact opposite of what I believe in), does that mean I can no longer enjoy them?

Well, no. At least, I don't think so. Again, some religious music is incredibly beautiful both in melody and lyrics. And while I no longer believe in the words they are saying, I still find enjoyment in their beauty. For instance, here is one of the songs they sang yesterday: "Come Thou Fount."

Sorry it's MoTab. But isn't that beautiful? Even if you just listen without trying to pick up on the lyrics, it's glorious. Then you listen to the lyrics and it's even more beautiful. Maybe it's just the remnants of theistic upbringing but the part that says, "Prone to wander, lord I feel it. Prone to leave the god I love." There is a sadness and desire to be better in those words. And while I no longer believe in the need to please any god with how I live my life, I still remember those days of despair and desire to be with the god I loved.

The other song they sang yesterday was "Go Ye Now in Peace."

Still to this day, it's hard for me to listen to this song without tearing up. It reminds me so much of Mr. Larsen, our choir teacher in high school. This song is always taught in his A Cappella class at the end of every year. I like to think it's Mr. Larsen's way of saying goodbye to all the seniors. Mr. Larsen is a great teacher and a great man. He has touched so many lives and all of his students have nothing but love and respect for him.

The words to this song are absolutely stunning. Again, this may just be my old theistic ways talking but the concept of leaving in peace and knowing that you will be protected and loved is a beautiful idea. And even though I consider such ideas to be complete bullshit, I still can feel the appeal of such an idea. It's a lot less scary than going out on your own. Trust me. I've done both.

Not all of my favorite religious songs are so blatantly spiritual (and perhaps didactic). This one is called "Lamentations of Jeremiah."

It's all in Latin and it's still to this day one of the most powerful and haunting choral pieces I've ever heard. I'm getting chills just listening to it. It's from the bible and while my bible knowledge is shaky (at best) I know it's Jeremiah lamenting the destruction of Jerusalem. And while religious, it's hauntingly beautiful.

I think I've made my point (if I even had one to prove to begin with). So I'll leave you with a few more of my favorites.

"Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho"

"Amazing Grace" by the Dropkick Murphys. For a long time I wanted this played at my funeral.

Love you.
Mean it.

Pour salt in the wounds.

It's getting worse.

The infection is spreading.

Like a cancer,

it festers and grows

polluting everything that once held meaning,

perverting everything that was once good.

Every street corner

every back alley

carries this sickness,

this disease of memory.

My hometown is overrun 

with infected memories
that I try so hard to forget
but never can. 

And like a cancer,

the only cure is to cut it out of my life

forever,
to leave this haunted city,
with its plague of phantoms
and haunted memories
and not look back.
Not even once. 

It would only pour salt in the wounds.