Life never turns out the way you plan it.

I am a lioness stalking her prey.

Well, more like an lioness practically begging her prey to let her have them.

In case you didn't know, I'm unemployed. I've been unemployed for a while now but I was also going to school so it didn't matter much to me. Now that I'm graduated, it matters a whole lot.

First off, I would really, really love to move out of my parents' basement. But I can't do that until I have some income. Funny how that works, eh? Second, I am bored out of my freaking mind. I have nothing but time and more time on my hands. I wake up every morning at 8 a.m. and it's all downhill from there. I spend a lot of time on my computer applying for various jobs but there's definitely a limit to how much of that you can do in a day. The rest of the time is spent being idle and bored.

Mind you, I've been aggressively trying to acquire employment. I apply for anywhere between 10-30 jobs a day. I've been able to have three interviews so far but to no avail. Today and tomorrow I have other interviews. It's very hard not to get discouraged by all of this rejection. But when you have, on average, 25 applicants for every one job, the chances of success are rather bleak.

I'm finding a common theme in my life. It comes from the movie "While You Were Sleeping." It is "Life never turns out the way you plan it." It's almost uncanny how often I think of this line over the course of my day. Life never turns out the way you plan it. I'm not even talking about plans you make for years in the future. I'm talking more like plans you make just for a few weeks in the future. I had this one job interview that I thought went really well. So well, in fact, that I started to look for an apartment somewhere near where I would work. I got so excited about the prospect of starting a new chapter in my life. Then, thud. I got the news I didn't get the job. All my dreaming and planning up in smoke. It was terribly depressing. And I know I shouldn't have counted my chickens before they hatched but it's unbearably hard not to. Right now, I feel like I'm in arrested development (the expression, not the t.v. show. The latter might be pretty cool.). I want so desperately to start a new chapter in my life, to try something new, to have an adventure in living. But no. I'm stuck right where I was a few months ago. Even worse so, since I don't have school to give me something to do everyday. I feel like I'm just ricocheting in an endless void with no real direction or purpose. It's frightening, yes. But more so, it's just boring as hell.

Love you.
Mean it.

Scary yet wonderful

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up you heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all of these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."
-Neil Gaiman

I've mentioned this quote before when I've talked about love. 

I've been dating this guy named Jake just a few days shy of two months. And though we are not in love just yet, the statement above still rings true. Being in love is a horribly scary thing, just like being in a relationship is a horribly scary thing. 

I mean, yes, there are wonderful things about being in both. I miss Jake whenever he's not around and when I'm with him, I'm very happy. He's incredibly smart and intellectually stimulating. He is passionate about activism and works very hard to promote his ideas. He is kind and thoughtful. And sometimes he can be so surprisingly romantic and sweet, I'm at a loss for words. I love being with him. I finally have someone to come home to. 

But being in a relationship is still horribly scary. Just as Gaiman points out, I spent over two years looking for someone while at the same time building up defenses against being hurt. And then one day Jake wandered into my stupid life and did something stupid like be kind or be intellectual and then suddenly, bam, my defenses were gone and my life wasn't my own anymore. He has a piece of me that he didn't ask for but that I consented and gladly gave. Isn't that frightening? 

Again, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with Jake. But it'd be stupid not to acknowledge the scariness of the situation.

But I think this is one of those situations that is scary yet wonderful at the same time. It's something where I'm willing to handle the scariness because everything else is so wonderful. There are nights when we are lying on his bed and he has his arms wrapped around me and neither of us are saying anything, those nights make the scary stuff seem unimportant, even if just for a moment. And those moments make all the scariness worth it. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

Atheist's prayer

O Deity Whose Existence I Doubt,

If I were a praying person (which I am not), I would thank you for this beautiful day. It's quite lovely outside. It's warm and sunny, the quail are eating the birdseed I left out for them, my mom's tulips are in full bloom. If you had a hand in creating this day (which you probably didn't), thank you for doing such a fantastic job.

I would also thank you for my family, especially my parents. They're both just wonderful. I owe them a lot. No matter what I've done or what has happened, they have stuck by my side and refused to part with me. The only reason I believe in unconditional, unending love, it is because I have them as parents. 

If I were a praying person (which I am not), I would also thank you for my friends, O Deity Whose Existence I Doubt. I have some of the best friends in the world. They are funny, kind, supportive, and fiercely loyal. They are there for me when I need them and vice versa. I couldn't ask for any better. If you somehow made it so I was friends with these people (which you probably weren't), I thank you.

O Deity Whose Existence I Doubt, if I were a praying person (which I am not), I would ask that you bless me with the strength to finish this semester strong. I have two huge essays to write and an exam to study for so if you could somehow help me with that (which you probably can't), I'd be very appreciative.

If I were a praying person (which I am not), I'd ask you for help with one more thing. I'm still trying to find a job. If you could (but you can't), please help me find a job soon. Again, I'd be very appreciative. 

I guess that's everything, O Deity Whose Existence I Doubt. Thank you again for everything. 

Amen. 

Now Panic and Freak Out

In five days, I will graduate from Utah Valley University.

Now panic and freak out.

I'm sure my feelings of stress and fear are nothing new to the millions of college graduates that have come before me, this terror of "Now what?" But this panic and fear is all too real in my case and I'm starting to lose sleep over all of it.

Here's where I stand:
I'm receiving my Bachelor's of Science in English with an emphasis in Literature and a minor in Cinema Studies.
I am unemployed.
My job search as produced nothing but a neat pile of rejection letters
I'm still living with my parents.
I have some savings that may get me through a couple months rent if I were to move out but no income after that.
And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

Like I said, panic and freak out.

I began my collegiate career back in the fall of 2006 when I entered the hallowed halls of Southern Utah University. Now, five and a half years later, I'm ending my time in college. Before I started college, I had an illustrious public school education, starting in pre-school and ending in graduating from Timpview High School. Essentially, I've been a student for the past 21 years or so. And now that I'll no longer be a student, I'm starting to wonder (and worry) what to do now.

The answer may seem simple to most: get a job. But that's the trouble. As I mentioned earlier, my job search has produced nothing but reject letters. Things aren't so easy for a bright eyed young journalist in Utah right now.

Between me trying to finish my semester's work and worrying about getting a job, I haven't spent much time analyzing what graduating from college really means to me. Sometimes people talk about the moment they decided to go to college. I never had one of those moments. I can't remember a time when going to college was a question. It was something I was going to do. And not only was I going to go but I was going to graduate too. Now here I am, about to graduate, finishing what I set out to accomplish.

I talk about it being terrifying because it is but it is also very exciting. I'm the first person in my family since my dad to graduate from college. And while graduating from college isn't exactly rare nowadays, I'm still very proud of myself. It wasn't easy but I did it.

In five days, I'm going to be a college graduate.

Yes, panic and freak out.
But also cheer, laugh, and congratulate yourself.

Love you.
Mean it.

March 12: Just another day.

It's been two years and two days since the worst day of my life. After that day, I never thought life would be the same again. I was so sure that I had lost everything and that day would haunt me for the rest of my life.

But a funny thing happened. The day, March 12, came and went and I didn't remember it. It didn't even really register on my mind. It wasn't the anniversary of the worst day of my life. It was just March 12, a Monday, the first real day of spring break.

I spent the day applying for jobs then, in the evening, I went to a meeting for the Coalition Against Discrimination. After the meeting, I went dumpster diving for the first time in my life with my friends in the coalition (it's not as gross as it sounds. Plus, free pizza!) then we went back to the house and watched "Fargo" while eating semi-stolen pizza and drinking whiskey. It was a nice day.

I guess this is the best possible thing that could happen in regards to March 12. I am no longer haunted by that day, by what happened, by the thought that I lost everything.

Admittedly, I did lose everything. I lost my home. I lost my sense of belonging. I lost my friends and the family we had created with each other.

But now, everything is different. I found belonging in the newsroom. I found direction in journalism. Ironically, the worst day of my life was the cause of the greatest decision of my life. Funny how life turns out sometimes.

Last year when I wrote about the anniversary of the worst day of my life, I finished it by saying, "Happy goddamn anniversary, Kelly. Maybe next year it'll just be another day." I didn't think it would actually happen. But it did. It's just another day now.

Love you.
Mean it.

Why I hate Superman

Here's the thing. I really hate Superman. I think he's a joke.

First off, he's kind of a cop-out when it comes to superheroes. He has every superpower imaginable e.g. super strength, flight, x-ray vision, laser vision, super speed, etc. He's also invulnerable. He can get hit by a train and nothing happens. He can even go hang out on the moon without any precautions.

Now, I know there are some fanboys and fangirls (cause we do exist, believe it or not) out there that will call foul on that last comment. He's not 100% invulnerable. He is vulnerable to kryptonite, the ore form of a radioactive element found on the planet Krypton (or so says wikipedia). But honestly, that's also a bit of a cop-out. The only thing that can weaken him is essentially a rock that was blow out to space when Krypton was destroyed. Yes, there have been synthetic versions of it created but in order to do that, you have to be super smart and super rich.

Recently, I have expressed my distaste for Superman via Facebook where I was advised by Joe to not judge Superman too quickly. Though he dislikes Superman as well (he called him the big blue boy scout), he said I should read All-Star Superman as it does explain why the world needs Superman. He did advise me that while I may still loathe him, it may help him seem less "toolish."

If it had been anyone else but Joe, I would've just blown it off. But considering Joe was the one who got me into this whole mess we call comic-book-love,  I had to read it. I promptly ordered it on amazon.com, patiently waited for 5-8 business days, then sat down and read All-Star Superman.

This is what it looks like, fyi. 

What was really interesting to me was that instead of making me better understand Superman, All-Star Superman helped me to better understand why I hate Superman so much.

For example, all of those things I mentioned above enable almost every story of Superman to be wrapped up quite nicely in an almost deus ex machina (esque) type of fashion. He gets shot with a kryptonite gun by Lois Lane (who shot him because the robot left the lab door open so some chemicals leaked out causing visual distortions and paranoia or some such bullshit) but instead of hurting him, he just conveniently discovers he has a new invulnerability to green kryptonite.

However, I think the thing that bothers me the most about Superman is the overall simplicity of everything. Superman is the good guy. He always is the good guy. He is basically incapable of doing anything bad. He really is the "big blue boy scout." No matter what, you know exactly what he's going to do in every situation. To me, this is simplicity to a boring degree. It makes him almost a flat character. There is no complexity, no questions of morality in his character. He's just good.

The same goes for his arch nemesis, Lex Luther. In All-Star Superman, it attempts to go into why Lex Luther hates Superman so much but doesn't do a very good job. Essentially, he just doesn't like Superman. It does get a bit more into the reasons but that's pretty much it. After talking to Jarom (who is my resident comic book go-to guy), it's a bit more than that. Lex Luther hates Superman because Lex Luther wanted to be Superman. They both wanted the same things. It's just Lex Luther wanted to go about them in a different manner so the two of them ended up competing against each other. And since you can't really compete against Superman, Lex became his arch nemesis. The prime motivation for Lex Luther to act against Superman is jealousy? It seems kind of petty.

Keeping these two things in mind, I was able to fully explain why I dislike Superman so much. It's because Superman, his characterization, his storyline, etc., is exactly opposite of everything I love about my favorite superheroes/heroes.

My favorite hero/comic book characters are Batman and Hellboy. One of the reasons I love Batman so much is the complexity of his characterization and his storyline. Think about it. He's a man who wants to do good by being a vigilante, by going independently of law enforcement. He wants to do good by beating the crap out of bad guys–and he likes it! He gets a kick out of beating up bad guys (pun very much intended). He is haunted by the deaths of his parents and yet his quest to rid the city of the evil that took them away from him has become his obsession.

Also, there is the question of whether or not his very existence leads to the creation of super villains such as the Joker or Two-Face. They are a reaction against him. Does he feed their motivations? Where does the line between Batman and them lie?

What I like about Batman is there's a lot of gray area to deal with. He's a man that choses to do good but you know that if the course of his life had been different, he might not have ended up on the side of good. He's a man who has the potential to be bad but chooses not to.

Same goes for Hellboy, in a sense. The guy is destined to use his Right Hand of Doom to summon the Ogdru Jahad and therefore the end of the world. Yet he chooses to fight on the side of good, to essentially fight against his destiny because it's the right thing to do. It's unimaginably hard and it causes him to live a very lonely life but he does it cause it's right.

I guess that's why I don't like Superman. There's no complexity with him, there's no gray area. In a sense, there is no choice for him. He's always going to do the right thing no matter what. I really do wish that the writers of Superman would put him in more moral dilemmas, in situations where the only two outcomes are losses. That's the only way I think you could make it interesting. Of course, they'd probably solve it with another deus ex machina and ruin the whole thing.

Stupid big blue boy scout.

Love you.
Mean it.

Me sans medication

When I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with a handful of emotional and mental disorders, including ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and bipolar 2. At the time, the only way for me to cope with these disorders, primarily caused by chemical imbalances in my brain, was to go on medication. I have since taken various medications every day for the last eight years. A little less than a month ago, I talked to my doctor about going off all of my medications.

This decision was not one I reached easily. My main motivation is I've been on medications for so long that I don't really know what it is like to not be on them. I wanted to know if I could get by without them. While I will never deny the good those medications did for me when I was younger (at the time, it was one of the only ways I could function), I feel that it's time I don't use them anymore.

The trouble is it's a lot harder emotionally than I anticipated. It seems my brain is determined to continue to have chemical imbalances. It's weird. There are times when I experience symptoms of my depression or bipolar 2 and I know that I am experiencing them because logically I have no reason to be depressed or melancholy. The thing is that even though I know that my feelings are illogical and are just a result of my brain not working properly, I can't force myself to be happy. No matter how hard I try, I can't just "snap out of it." And trust me, I try really, really hard.

It's incredibly frustrating to sometimes have no control over my own emotions, to be at the mercy of stupid chemicals and misfirings in my brain. And to know that without medication, this may be a forever type of thing. This may be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life, all because my brain malfunctions for some reason.

Even though it's been hard, I'm staying the course. I'm not 100 percent off my medications yet but by working with my doctor and lowering my dosages, I'll probably be off all of them by the end of the month. And even though I'm determined to see this through to the end, I know that things might get a lot worse before they get better.

Wish me luck.

Love you.
Mean it.