Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Why I hate Superman

Here's the thing. I really hate Superman. I think he's a joke.

First off, he's kind of a cop-out when it comes to superheroes. He has every superpower imaginable e.g. super strength, flight, x-ray vision, laser vision, super speed, etc. He's also invulnerable. He can get hit by a train and nothing happens. He can even go hang out on the moon without any precautions.

Now, I know there are some fanboys and fangirls (cause we do exist, believe it or not) out there that will call foul on that last comment. He's not 100% invulnerable. He is vulnerable to kryptonite, the ore form of a radioactive element found on the planet Krypton (or so says wikipedia). But honestly, that's also a bit of a cop-out. The only thing that can weaken him is essentially a rock that was blow out to space when Krypton was destroyed. Yes, there have been synthetic versions of it created but in order to do that, you have to be super smart and super rich.

Recently, I have expressed my distaste for Superman via Facebook where I was advised by Joe to not judge Superman too quickly. Though he dislikes Superman as well (he called him the big blue boy scout), he said I should read All-Star Superman as it does explain why the world needs Superman. He did advise me that while I may still loathe him, it may help him seem less "toolish."

If it had been anyone else but Joe, I would've just blown it off. But considering Joe was the one who got me into this whole mess we call comic-book-love,  I had to read it. I promptly ordered it on amazon.com, patiently waited for 5-8 business days, then sat down and read All-Star Superman.

This is what it looks like, fyi. 
What was really interesting to me was that instead of making me better understand Superman, All-Star Superman helped me to better understand why I hate Superman so much.

For example, all of those things I mentioned above enable almost every story of Superman to be wrapped up quite nicely in an almost deus ex machina (esque) type of fashion. He gets shot with a kryptonite gun by Lois Lane (who shot him because the robot left the lab door open so some chemicals leaked out causing visual distortions and paranoia or some such bullshit) but instead of hurting him, he just conveniently discovers he has a new invulnerability to green kryptonite.

However, I think the thing that bothers me the most about Superman is the overall simplicity of everything. Superman is the good guy. He always is the good guy. He is basically incapable of doing anything bad. He really is the "big blue boy scout." No matter what, you know exactly what he's going to do in every situation. To me, this is simplicity to a boring degree. It makes him almost a flat character. There is no complexity, no questions of morality in his character. He's just good.

The same goes for his arch nemesis, Lex Luther. In All-Star Superman, it attempts to go into why Lex Luther hates Superman so much but doesn't do a very good job. Essentially, he just doesn't like Superman. It does get a bit more into the reasons but that's pretty much it. After talking to Jarom (who is my resident comic book go-to guy), it's a bit more than that. Lex Luther hates Superman because Lex Luther wanted to be Superman. They both wanted the same things. It's just Lex Luther wanted to go about them in a different manner so the two of them ended up competing against each other. And since you can't really compete against Superman, Lex became his arch nemesis. The prime motivation for Lex Luther to act against Superman is jealousy? It seems kind of petty.

Keeping these two things in mind, I was able to fully explain why I dislike Superman so much. It's because Superman, his characterization, his storyline, etc., is exactly opposite of everything I love about my favorite superheroes/heroes.

My favorite hero/comic book characters are Batman and Hellboy. One of the reasons I love Batman so much is the complexity of his characterization and his storyline. Think about it. He's a man who wants to do good by being a vigilante, by going independently of law enforcement. He wants to do good by beating the crap out of bad guys–and he likes it! He gets a kick out of beating up bad guys (pun very much intended). He is haunted by the deaths of his parents and yet his quest to rid the city of the evil that took them away from him has become his obsession.

Also, there is the question of whether or not his very existence leads to the creation of super villains such as the Joker or Two-Face. They are a reaction against him. Does he feed their motivations? Where does the line between Batman and them lie?

What I like about Batman is there's a lot of gray area to deal with. He's a man that choses to do good but you know that if the course of his life had been different, he might not have ended up on the side of good. He's a man who has the potential to be bad but chooses not to.

Same goes for Hellboy, in a sense. The guy is destined to use his Right Hand of Doom to summon the Ogdru Jahad and therefore the end of the world. Yet he chooses to fight on the side of good, to essentially fight against his destiny because it's the right thing to do. It's unimaginably hard and it causes him to live a very lonely life but he does it cause it's right.

I guess that's why I don't like Superman. There's no complexity with him, there's no gray area. In a sense, there is no choice for him. He's always going to do the right thing no matter what. I really do wish that the writers of Superman would put him in more moral dilemmas, in situations where the only two outcomes are losses. That's the only way I think you could make it interesting. Of course, they'd probably solve it with another deus ex machina and ruin the whole thing.

Stupid big blue boy scout.

Love you.
Mean it.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Me sans medication

When I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with a handful of emotional and mental disorders, including ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and bipolar 2. At the time, the only way for me to cope with these disorders, primarily caused by chemical imbalances in my brain, was to go on medication. I have since taken various medications every day for the last eight years. A little less than a month ago, I talked to my doctor about going off all of my medications.

This decision was not one I reached easily. My main motivation is I've been on medications for so long that I don't really know what it is like to not be on them. I wanted to know if I could get by without them. While I will never deny the good those medications did for me when I was younger (at the time, it was one of the only ways I could function), I feel that it's time I don't use them anymore.

The trouble is it's a lot harder emotionally than I anticipated. It seems my brain is determined to continue to have chemical imbalances. It's weird. There are times when I experience symptoms of my depression or bipolar 2 and I know that I am experiencing them because logically I have no reason to be depressed or melancholy. The thing is that even though I know that my feelings are illogical and are just a result of my brain not working properly, I can't force myself to be happy. No matter how hard I try, I can't just "snap out of it." And trust me, I try really, really hard.

It's incredibly frustrating to sometimes have no control over my own emotions, to be at the mercy of stupid chemicals and misfirings in my brain. And to know that without medication, this may be a forever type of thing. This may be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life, all because my brain malfunctions for some reason.

Even though it's been hard, I'm staying the course. I'm not 100 percent off my medications yet but by working with my doctor and lowering my dosages, I'll probably be off all of them by the end of the month. And even though I'm determined to see this through to the end, I know that things might get a lot worse before they get better.

Wish me luck.

Love you.
Mean it.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Thanatophobia

I am tentatively scheduled to die.
One day, for some reason
or for no reason at all,
my lungs will stop breathing,
my heart will stop beating,
and I won't be anymore

Everyone dies.
Everyone knows everyone dies.
Some believe there's something after this.
Some know their options after this.
But I don't.
At least, not anymore.

You see that poor, inert bird on the sidewalk that will never fly again
I crouch down on my knees and cry.

Where do we go, little bird?
Where do we go?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Forgetting my old religion

I don't remember the last time I sincerely prayed. I don't remember the last time I read the Bible or the Book of Mormon The last time I went to church was on Christmas Day because my entire family was going and I didn't want to stay at home alone with the dogs and the presents. Before that, I don't remember the last time I went to church.

I'm starting to forget some of the details of my old religion. I get stories from the scriptures mixed up. I can't recall the wording on some scriptures. I only vaguely remember how some church hymns go. I have no idea who is in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. All these things that at one time were so second nature to me are now almost foreign.

When you're raised in a family that is a devout believer in any faith, those beliefs become infused with your childhood, with your upbringing. It's almost impossible to separate the two. And now I am forgetting the very things that were carefully taught to me, things that were considered fundamental.

I knew leaving the religion I grew up in would mean a lot of redefining in my life right now. I never considered how it may change my views of the past.

Love you.
Mean it.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Happiest Accident

"So, there you go. Turns out I've had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. Sometimes, well, I can't tell the difference. They're all the same thing. They're just me."
–Elton 
"Love and Monsters"
Doctor Who

Every time someone finds out that I'm graduating this April, they ask me what I'm getting my degree in. After I tell them it's English, they ask me if I'm going to teach. I say no, that I'm going into journalism. They get a confused look on their face and usually ask why I didn't get my degree in journalism. I then have to go through the story of how I started doing journalism when I moved back to Provo because I had no friends in the area anymore and I was bored out of my mind. Then by luck or whatever, I ended up being the Assistant Culture Editor before I had even been at UVU for five months and Life Section Editor before I had been there a year. 

This is essentially the same story I tell people when they ask me how I got into journalism. The truth of the matter is it was mostly sheer dumb luck. I was bored so I started writing. The old culture editor had to quit so his assistant became editor and I became the assistant. 

Even though my journey into journalism was basically an accident, it was the happiest accident of my life. I can't imagine doing anything else. I really love my work and, as it turns out, I'm pretty good at it too. It's funny. I never would have considered journalism to be my calling but it's a career that suits me, my personality, and my ethics so perfectly. 

The funny thing is I never would have even considered going into journalism if I hadn't had to move back to Provo. Before I left Cedar City, I had finally admitted to myself I didn't want to teach high school. This had been my plan for the past four years or so. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I figured I'd follow in the footsteps of my friend Joe and go to grad school and then teach in college. It was a tentative plan but it was my plan. 

Then it happened. The worst day of my life. The day I lost everything. 

They say hindsight is 20/20. I never thought I'd ever be okay again after that day. But the funny thing is if what happened didn't happen, I probably never would have gone into journalism. I would have no reason to. 

It's ironic, I guess. The worst day of my life eventually led me to the best decision of my life. The day that held the most pain in the world for me has led me to feeling so happy every day. 

I guess that's the way it works out sometimes. The terrible things and the good things. Sometimes they're just the same thing. They're just me. 

Love you.
Mean it. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Creature from the Awkward Lagoon

There was a time in my life when I was not only cool (a subjective term, yes, but trust me, I was) but I was also an excellent flirt. I had a way with guys that could get them to not only talk to me at that moment but want to talk to me in the future. It was pretty standard procedure: I talk to a guy, I'd flirt and be generally awesome, he'd ask for my number and we'd continue talking/flirting with each other on a later date.

But time has not been kind to Kelly Cannon. Imagine, if you will, a number line like the ones you had to use in high school math class. Now, the middle of this number line is 0. 0 represents a person who is not flirtatious but isn't weird or abnormal in anyway. The line extends to 5 on the right. 5 represents a normal flirtatious level. In the past, I would rate myself at a 7. Now, to the left of the 0 is the negative region. A -5 represents a general awkwardness. Today, I would rate myself at a good -6 on this figurative number line.

This means not only have I lost my ability to flirt properly, but I've also fallen into the realm of the awkward. Being the awkward creature that I am has the exact opposite outcome of being a good flirt. While guys would want to continue talking to me and go out of their way to continue to talk to me, now they seem to go out of their way to avoid talking to me.

I can say, in all honesty & with only a bit of embarrassment, I haven't been in a relationship in over two years. Not only this but I can't remember the last time I've been asked on a date. I've asked guys on dates, yes, but this is not the same thing. And while there can be several causes to this uncomfortable truth, I know that it is in part due to this unnatural level of awkwardness within me.

I don't know when I made the Jekyll/Hyde transformation from flirt to awkward specimen. But I am able to recognize my symptoms. When I'm around a guy I find attractive, I tend to talk. A lot. More than normal. More than is natural. Essentially, I just can't shut up. It's bad. And not only do I not shut up, I begin to talk about really, really esoteric subjects like the mythos of Cthulhu or the fact that goats have rectangular pupils and that weirds me out. Okay, so sometimes they're not so esoteric as they are just odd.

The trouble is that my mind seems to only function at one speed: a bazillion miles an hour. This means that at any given time I'm thinking about about 7-12 different things, making connections, drawing conclusions, etc. It's pretty normal for me to get really frustrated with conversations because it takes others longer to finish thinking about something I've already thought all the way through. This leads to my verbal diarrhea when encountering a cute boy to go off into seven different directions for no real reason and to bring up subjects both esoteric and odd.

Sometimes I can try to play this off by saying, "And I'm talking too much" and physically put my hands over my mouth. Some guys may find this cute and quirky. Or at least I hope they find it quirky... My dating life would say otherwise.

My inability to STFU around cute guys is probably due to just plain old nervousness. It's a tick I've somehow developed by becoming nervous around these guys. The fact I am nervous around these guys is baffling to me. I don't remember ever being nervous around guys when I was up to a 7 on the figurative number line of coolness. If I liked a guy, I would be cool & confident and generally awesome. Now, since I experience more failure in the dating world then I do success, it's made me not cool, not confident and generally awkward.

In discussions with friends, I've explained my undying desire to one day be called charming. I don't know when this life goal developed. All I know is I've wanted it for years, only succeeding once (this was a particularly wonderful experience because I was called "unwittingly charming," one of the nicest compliments I've ever received). However, it is my belief that awkwardness is the antithesis of charm & therefore it is extremely difficult for me to achieve.

I've had friends try to convince me that perhaps I can develop an awkward charm that people (guys in particular) would find endearing. Though I am dubious that this is possible, maybe it is the best I can hope for, to be awkwardly charming, because this awkwardness doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon.

Love you.
Mean it.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Things I thought I'd know by now, Part 2

Back in August of 2010, I made a list of things I thought I'd know by now. I reread it for some reason and I'm very proud to say that I have learned some stuff. Here's what I know:

#1–I do know what kind of information you need to exchange when you get in a car accident. I learned this by, well, getting in a car accident. Gaining knowledge is not always fun.

#3–I know how to change a tire. I learned this by getting a flat tire at the end of my shift at Pizza Hut and having Trevor and Adam come out and help me change it.

#8–I know now when to use 'who' & 'whom.' (Hint: it depends on whether or not you're using it as the subject or object of the sentence. Grammar rules!)

#7–I know how to pick a good pineapple (Hint: pull one of the leafy things from the middle at the top. If it comes out easily, it's ripe). (Shout out to Davey Morrison Dillard for his help on that one).

#9–I know when to use 'effect' and 'affect.' (Hint: effect = noun; affect = verb). (Shout out to Davey Morrison Dillard for help on that one.)

So those are the things I now know from that list. I have also learned a few things just by, you know, living:

1. I know how the game of baseball works, the history of the sport, and a lot of the slang involved in the game.
2. I know that Joan Crawford & Bette Davis hated each other.
3. I know how to cut a pineapple (Hint: howtocutapineapple.com)
4. I know how to care for a tattoo.
5. I know how to give a little child eye drops/ear drops (Hint: wrap them up in a blanket and sit on them.)
6. I know how to check to see if there's going to be frost on your car in the morning
7. I know how to use twitter (follow me @mskellycannon)
8. I know a lot about feminist film theory
9. I know how to tell a convincing lie.
10. I know what the Doppler effect is.
11. I know what Schrödinger's cat is.
12. I know when it's okay to run a yellow light (in the legal sense).
13. I know how to take decent photos.
14. I know how to write a resume & cover letter
15. I know how a zollying shot is taken in the movies.

However, I've found there are plenty of other things I thought I'd know by now that I really don't. Here are just a sample of my new quandaries.

1. How to buy/rent an apartment in another state.
2. What's the difference between a good bourbon and a cheap bourbon (i.e. what's the difference between Maker's Mark and Old Crow?)
3. How to curl my hair with a curling iron
4. How to shave my legs so that they stay smooth longer
5. Whether I prefer salted or unsalted butter
6. How a combustible engine works
7. How a microwave works
8. How often one should change their sheets
9. What are good qualities to look for in a diamond
10. How to properly choose make up that's appropriate for my skin tone, etc.
11. How early is too early for a job interview
12. How to polish silver
13. How wrestling is scored
14. How crayons are made

I guess I don't have much to complain about. I mean, this is kind of what life is about, learning new things and then realizing there's so much more I don't understand about the world around me. It's depressing and exciting at the same time.

Oh, and I still don't know how much it costs to get something dry cleaned.

Love you.
Mean it.