Being a Friend or Being a Sucker

The thing is, when you come into my life & I consider you my friend, that comes with a fierce kind of loyalty from me. Friendship means a lot to me, probably more than it should. There's a cliche old adage that says friends are family you get to choose. And I guess that rings especially true for me.

The way I figure it, if you're my friend & you need my help, there's not a power on God's green Earth that's going to keep me from helping. Cause that's what being a friend means to me. It means fierce loyalty without questions. It means standing by you when everyone else is against you. It means sticking up for you & defending you, even when I know you're wrong. It means supporting every stupid or brilliant decision you ever make and loving you not matter what. It means doing everything I can to help you find happiness.

The trouble is that very few people share my same definition of friendship and, as a result, I get burned. A lot. I mean, I've been burned before. It's nothing new. But when you're burned by a person you consider a friend & they don't even realize it, that's a new level of horrible hollow pain. And that bit about them not even realizing it is true in almost every case. Most friends don't even realize when they're hurting you. For example, if a friend of mine needed to talk to me about something important, I'd drop nearly everything to be there for them. But often when I need to talk to someone, my friends are busy, distracted, or otherwise preoccupied. I check up on my friends if they are sick or depressed or whatever, just to make sure they're doing okay. They rarely check up on me.

And I know it's not their fault. Their definition of friendship is different. And that's not a bad thing. It's just different. And it's in that difference that a lot of pain for me occurs. It's like I'm always giving 100% of myself to my friendships and not receiving a whole lot back. And it really does hurt, makes me feel worthless, not good enough, and ultimately like a sucker.

Of course, the obvious thing to do is rework my definition of friendship, change it so I'm not so loyal, not so caring & supportive. But, in all honest, that's never going to happen. That's not who I am. And I'm not trying to play the martyr here (god, I hate it when people do that). But I'm not going to change my definition of friendship because nearly everyone's definition differs from mine.

Because every once in a great long while, I become friends with someone whose definition is strikingly similar to mine. And when that happens, it's one of the best things in my life.

So yes, I'm going to get burned a lot by the very people I call friends but, as so well put by Sarah Jane Smith in Doctor Who, " Some things are worth getting your heart broken for."

Love you.
Mean it.

Fence Sitting, Religion, & Cognitive Dissonance

Wolverine: Magneto's right: there is a war coming. Are you sure you're on the right side?
Storm: At least I’ve chosen a side.

-X-Men (2000) 

Sometimes the worst thing anyone can be is a fence-sitter, a person who doesn’t pick a side or worse, someone who only wants the benefits of both sides without the messiness of actually committing to one side completely.

One of the reasons I left the church was because there were parts of the religion I couldn’t agree with. These included the idea of a theistic god, the condemnation of homosexuality, and practice of confessing sins to a bishop, among others. Because I couldn’t accept parts of the religion, I couldn’t accept the religion in its entirety, neither could I claim to be a member of that religion. Yes, there are parts of the church I believe in and have incorporated into my own belief system such as brotherly kindness, charity, self-improvement. But in its entirety, the LDS religion is something I cannot accept as a whole. So I don’t. If I were to still claim to be LDS, there would be serious contradictions between things I believe to be personally true and the things that my religion say are true. Living with these contradictions, with cognitive dissonance in general, is something I cannot do no matter how hard I try. (Don’t know what cognitive dissonance is? Yes you do. You just don’t know it yet. Go here)

That’s really the way organized religions work, especially the LDS religion. To be a true member/believe, you must accept all parts of the religion. You don’t get to pick and choose depending on what’s convenient. It’s an all or nothing kind of deal. That’s one difference between the religious and the spiritual. Religious people accept ALL parts of an organized faith. Spiritual people can take parts of different faiths, religions, belief systems, etc. that they find to be true and incorporate them into their lives in order to find happiness and be better people (mind, there are plenty of other differences between religious people and spiritual people, as well as different kinds of spiritual people. This is just one example).

To claim that you’re Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Muslim, or Mormon requires that you believe in every aspect of that religion. If you live your life in a way that is contradictory to your ascribed religion, one of two things is true: you are not active in your religious belief or you have found a way to justify your actions when they are in contradiction to your religion. Either way, you are still not being completely faithful to your religion and, therefore, are somewhat of a liar whenever you claim it as your own.

So what’s to be done? Well, that really depends on the person. I’ve said before that people need to find a way to live their lives that works for them, that brings them happiness. God knows it’s taken me so long to find my own way. Who am I to knock someone else’s way? But this whole idea of claiming to be a devout member of a religion when it’s obvious that your life is in direct contradiction to that religion just baffles me. I don’t see how it can happen, how a person can not go insane from the constant cognitive dissonance they must experience. Maybe they don’t feel that cognitive dissonance. Maybe they’re happy just the way they are, by either ignoring those feelings or finding ways to justify their actions. Just because I couldn’t stand it doesn’t mean someone else could.

I left the church because I couldn’t continue to live with the feeling that what I considered to be “truth” and what my religion said was “truth” were in contradiction. I abandoned all I had been raised with and set out to find my own truth. It’s been one of the most difficult tasks in my life. And I’m still not done. I’ve got a lot more things I’ve got to figure out. And I’m not saying that my decision to leave the church makes me better than the people who choose to stay. Again, I’m a fan of whatever makes people happy & doesn’t hurt others.

I guess I’m slowly learning that when it comes to finding happiness & truth in regards to religious beliefs, things are a lot more complicated than I initially thought.

Love you.
Mean it.

Perceptive Jerk

Yesterday, someone texted me this:

"Kelly, you're a lonely depressed girl who doesn't believe in anything and scrapes out an existence through cynicism and bluffing."

Obviously, there was a lot that lead up to this part of our texting conversation but dealt with more personal matters (especially for the other party) and therefore will remain private.

All the same, it pretty much hit the proverbial nail on the head, don't you think? I mean, it doesn't take a genius to see that I'm a "lonely depressed girl." Hell, read this or this or this and it'd be damn near impossible for you not to reach that conclusion. I openly admit that I'm lonely & depressed because it's the truth.

However, that bit about me not believing in anything is simply not true. I mean, no, I don't believe in organized religion. I don't believe in a god that gives a shit about us. I don't believe in fate. And yes, life has turned me into a rather cynical person. But that doesn't mean I don't believe in anything.

I believe in myself, that I can do anything I set my mind to & that I'm a lot stronger than I realize.
I believe in Augustus Johnson, that he will always be there for me & only wants me to be happy.
I believe in the power of words and their ability to create change.
I believe in luck.
I believe that life is plenty shitty enough without people making things worse.
I believe that we need to help make other people's lives less shitty, or at the very least, not make things any worse for them.
I believe in truth, honesty, and in doing what is right.
I believe in being fiercely loyal to my friends.

And I know that most of the bluffing I do is trying to convince myself that things will get better, that one day I will be happy again. Yes, it may be a lie but it's a lie worth believing.

And yes, I am cynical. I am lonely & depressed. But never think that I don't believe in something.

If I didn't believe in something,  I wouldn't still be here, "scraping out an existence."
That's a goddamn promise.

Love you.
Mean it.

Why I Love Augustus Johnson: A Texting Conversation.

Kelly: So I’m working on an article about the different women’s roller derby leagues in Utah. It’s shaping up to be a cool piece with scandal, corruption, betrayal, etc.

Gus: Any sex appeal?

Kelly: If you like empowered women who look somewhat like Slavic gymnasts who could kick your ass, then yes. Lots.

Gus: Empowered women? Slavic I could deal with. Violent, meh. But empowered? That’s taking it one step too far. I prefer my women well subjugated.

Kelly: Remind me to punch you in the neck next time I see you.

Gus: Ahhh! They’re rubbing off on you! Quick! Read some BoM! Do some dishes! Put on a 50s outfit. This calls for desperate measures.

Kelly: Hahahaha. I used to have a very sexy 50s dress but it got lost in the move, along with three other very sexy dresses.

Gus: Hmmm...A sexy 50s dress? Good...Objectification is a step in the right direction. Empowered women... *Shudder*

Kelly: *Neck punch via text!*

Gus: Ouch! You know, I’m glad you’re my friend. I’m glad we talk. ... Even if you aren’t the perfect picture of feminine subservience.

Kelly: I’m glad you’re my friend & we talk too, even though you’re an effeminate chauvinist.

Gus: Effeminate? WTF? Me? I’m the quintessential model of machismo and masculinity. Dangerous. Intimidating. Dripping with testosterone. *Strikes manly pose.*

Kelly: Let’s face it, honey. If you’re macho manly, then I’m dainty, delicate, submissive, and stupid.

Gus: Hey! I’m manly! What are you implying, Miss Cannon? Just cause I occasionally indulge in breaking gender boundaries doesn’t mean I can’t be macho too. *pout*

Kelly: Manly men don’t pout. Point Kelly.

Gus: Uh... I meant to write... *Punt!* Like football. Manly men, uh, play football.

Kelly: Kelly: 1 Gus: 0

Love you.

Mean it. 

Write Me a Tragedy

Love you.
Mean it.

Key to Insanity

Goddamnit, I hate the weekend.

I know. There's something wrong with me if I hate the weekend. Everybody loves the weekend. It's a chance to go out and party it up. It's a chance to get caught up on all the things you kept putting off all week. It's a chance to sleep in or watch all your tivo'ed shows.

If my weekends were like that, then, yeah, I'd like them too. Hell, you'd be stupid not to like the weekend if that's what they consisted of.

But that's never my weekend.

My weekend is two days of being stuck with myself. I mean, when I'm at school or work or in the Newsroom, I have things to do, people to talk to, tasks to accomplish. It gives me purpose. It gives me a sense of belonging. But more than anything, it gives me something for my mind to focus on. But take all those things away, and all I'm left with is my thoughts.

You want to know how to go insane? It's easy. Just get a mind that is constantly infected with thoughts of isolation & loneliness, of anger & hostility. And then make it so you can't escape. Become afraid of your own mind. That's the key to insanity.

And I have that for two days every week.

Love you.
Mean it.

A Prayer to Myself & the Universe (And God, If He Cares Enough to Listen)

May the bridges I burn light my way.
Wherever I go, may I never be too far from friends.
May my curiosity never be satiated & my wanderlust never satisfied.
May I never be content to sit on the sidelines or on the fence.
May I always try to understand before I hate and help before I hurt.
Help me find a place I can call home & people I can call family.

May I always choose what is right over what is easy.

May I never hurt so much I forget to laugh.
Help me save my tears for when they're needed.
May I never be afraid of new things.
Never let me lose my desire to change.
May I always find my way to forgiveness.
And whenever I sleep, may I always dream of better things.

Amen.